Author’s Note: a lot longer than usual with lots of dumpsplaining(exposition dump & explaining) in this chapter. But, hopefully this will set the scene for future chapters.
Day -2791520
“Yen, come here immediately.”
I begrudgingly followed the voice, staring at nothing more but the obsidian floor that had yet to cool down, and the chain dangling on the ground that was leading me. I was in hell. Literally.
The volcanic mountains that surrounded this place, barring anyone from entering or leaving, the mysterious darkness that flowed in the air, fueling people with nothing more than pain and agony, it was all torturous. I may have been a demon, but I wasn’t a masochist.
“Lucifer, our great morning star has suddenly vanished! We must find the heir immediately,” said Belphegor.
We demons had a bimillenial(as in once every 500 years) meeting where certain things about hell were talked about–especially our relationship with heaven. However, sometimes there were emergency meetings like this one when a big event occurred. Of course, only the top demons had a say in these meetings. The rest of us underlings were to just stay and agree with whoever was talking at the present. We had it worse than those cherubims who were nothing but servants; running around all day at the mercy of that damned Yahweh.
While we were listening to the higher-up demons talk about whatever they wanted, I noticed something on the ground. It was a green gem. When I came into contact with it… a very large blast of energy came out, interrupting the meeting.
“WHAT WAS THAT?” yelled Mammon.
I frantically took off my chains and ran off, fueled by adrenaline and something else that I wasn’t sure of. All I knew was… this gem… this necklace… it potentially contained the power to defeat God himself.
This was the day when it all began. The plan… to kill God.
Day 5
The first thing that came into the focus of my eyes when I woke up—apart from the alarm clock that required 3 hits to shut off because of how old that darn thing is—was the framed picture I had of me and Uncle Levi on my 4th birthday. Our family isn’t that well off, so we would usually try and save whatever we had; as much as possible. However, Uncle Levi would give whatever he had to other people, making most of my relatives, including my parents, shoot daggers at him at every family gathering. I admired that part of him though. It’s just unfortunate that… well, I won’t get to see him again… forever…
Anyways, the past’s in the past. Today’s a big day, so I should start getting ready.
I opened the door, meeting eye-to-eye with Khea who was waiting for me outside. It’s officially the first day of The Festival Kayitz and there are so many things to explore.
Looking around, I asked, “Where’re the others?”
“Oh, they left earlier. Sakura’s performance is at 11 AM and there are so many people lining up for it y’know.”
“Sakura? Isn’t she that super popular idol from Rakuen? How did she travel all the way here?”
“She didn’t; it’s CAMEL. I’m shocked as well though. They did a really good job keeping this a secret until today.”
I remember learning in history class that people used to be allowed to travel wherever they wanted via various modes of transportation. At least, until The Great Extinction that is. After that, places outside these designated gardens we live in became so hazardous that travel across gardens was impossible. Luckily, the internet still existed, and even we residents from Eden were big fans of Sakura’s performances. And lately, a new technology called CAMEL(Cámara El hoLograma) has allowed hyperrealistic live performances to be remotely attendable from all over the world.
Jasmine and Mary were huge fans of her. On the other hand, I did see a couple of music videos from her but I wasn’t a huge fan. Not that her music was bad or anything though… If I said that, you might discover me buried on the hill and Jasmine’s shovel suspiciously covered in dirt tomorrow.
Personally, I was more worried about tomorrow. I really needed to say all the goodbyes I could before it was too late.
Once we arrived at the festival, I asked Khea if we could go our separate ways. She was devastated because she thought I would be touring the art section with her. But, material things wouldn’t matter in like 48 hours anyways. So, I gave her half the money I brought with me–a 200 khyunyot bill–and we parted ways for a little while. Only until the fireworks display tonight.
Even though I would technically be leaving all material possessions behind tomorrow, it was still heartbreaking to give money to someone else. With that done though, I headed straight towards the food section where Auntie Lea was working. She was roasting up something called Char Siu… I looked up at the sign and asked her what it was.
“Oh hey, Esther! Fancy seeing you here! Char Siu is a traditional Woguok(和國) style roasted pork dish. It is marinated in a sauce before being cooked and it goes well with rice.” Auntie Lea said, sounding like she was reading off a dialogue in a video game.
“Did you just repeat what’s written on your paper?”
“Haha, yeah. I have no idea what this thing even is. Tastes great though! Want some?”
“Sure. Uh, how much?”
“Free for you dear.”
I grabbed the small paper plate with Char Siu that Auntie Lea was holding over the burning grill.
“Hm, it’s good. Better than what Mom makes at least.” I said as she took a bite.
“Young lady, you cannot say that! But thank you for the compliment. I had to make the sauce myself because the others had no clue what they were doing.”
“Uhm anyways… I came here to tell you something else. You see, I heard from Pastor Elijah that I was uhm-”
“Koimisou” said a voice from behind, interrupting me.
I suddenly felt dizzy, my vision fading dark as I struggled to remain conscious. All I could do as the muscles in my legs gave in, was hopelessly listen to Auntie Lea’s voice getting further and further away.
“No! Esther! Who the hen’s egg are you to take my niece?”
Auntie Lea’s voice slowly died down until… everything was just black.
Day ???
I could see Uncle Levi standing on top of an unfamiliar hill. I couldn’t focus on him though… there were too many voices in my head; fighting for my attention. Fighting… to make me lose sanity.
‘You’re weak,’ ‘Nothing more than a fraud,’ ‘You stole a place that belongs to someone else,’ ‘You don’t belong anywhere,’ ‘Liars never go up,’ ‘Your life’s a fabrication,’
“Esther.”
Uncle Levi’s voice commanded a moment of clarity, ceasing all these thoughts from bombarding me any longer. As I was able to regain some sanity, I lifted my head, rushing up the hill to grasp at his shirt.
“Uncle Levi! Why did you… Why did you leave me?” I asked in a shaking, clinging to him afraid that he might disappear without even a goodbye again.
“Esther, how did you come here?” he asked, gently embracing me and calming me down.
“I don’t know… I got caught by something- someone. And when I woke up, I was here at this… where am I by the way?” I asked as I looked around this field of pure emptiness. It sure wasn’t the garden.
“Oh, this is Limbo, my dear. A place where we stay before crossing the Styx as ye olden people said. No living or dead people are allowed here. Only lost souls who have yet to have their fate decided. It’s funny though, I realized so many things that I was blind to since I got here.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll realize soon enough. Woman.”
Huh?
“Woman, wake up.” Said a familiar voice.
I lifted my head up from the stiff pillow that my head was buried in, witnessing something that I would probably never be able to forget. Sitting on the chair in front of the cardboard-like bed I was lying in was the uni-horned demon I saw a couple of days ago, his eyes focusing on the necklace that felt heavier than ever. His silhouette ever more menacing as it was illuminated by the window behind him. It was the scene that was unfolding behind him that truly horrified me though; a background of nothing but torment and agony, where it seemed that the damned were being tortured by demons and the environment itself. Even the color of the fire that was eternally burning in the mountains that I could see outside was of unimaginable horror. They burned with agony, almost as if it were a color on the visible spectrum.
“Finally you’re awake, what a piece of work,” the demon scoffed.
I couldn’t really say anything back because I was scared of what might happen to me.
“Hello! Are you the human from above ground? Wow, we haven’t had one of you guys in so long! Nice to meet you! Name’s Shi,” a voice said, opening the door to this cramped house wide open. He… or she(I couldn’t tell) leaned his hand over for a handshake. I subconsciously reached mine out, shaking their hand.
“H-hi… uh, where am I? Who are you? Actually, scratch that. What the actual fork is going on here?” I asked, finally being able to process enough of the situation for me to say something out loud.
“Haha, it looks like Yen didn’t explain it well to you. It’s fine, I can explain. By the way, it’s still Tuesday right now.”
Day 5 (time doesn’t exist here… what’s the point?)
It turns out that the Necklace I’ve been wearing wasn’t just some random ol’ jewel. It’s a jewel called “Tears of Genesis” which has an immense amount of power that’s stored in it. It was feeding off of my divine energy, and that’s why it was getting heavier; it was literally eating my stamina alive.
This piece of gemstone belonged to Yen, the uni-horned demon who was staring daggers at me while standing at the corner of the room after Shi took over the flow of the conversation. Not that there was really a conversation that happened between us in the first place.
Also, the reason that Yen was going after me and even going as far as to kidnap me was because he couldn’t get the gem off of me as I was registered as the gemstone’s owner after it absorbed my energy. Yeah… demons sure aren’t the brightest I can tell you that much. This buffoon thought the best way to get something back wass by kidnapping and threatening that person.
“Look… uh, Yen’s techniques might’ve been a bit… unorthodox. But, we really need that jewel back as it is crucial to us,” Shi tried to negotiate.
“Well, can I like get some fresh air? Also, what’s the way back to Eden?” I asked, rubbing my forehead, pretending to have a headache.
“Oh, yes you may. Also, just taking two left turns on this road can get you back there. Funny right? How close yet far away hell is from Earth. It’s a shortcut that only us demons know about though.” Shi replied.
Ha, idiot.
I left the cramped house, slowly closing the door… and bolted straight back home. Demons were a lot easier to fool than I thought.
–Later That Night–
“Hey, it’s been a while since that woman’s gone outside,” Yen said.
“Her name’s Esther; not woman. Should I go check on her?”
“What do you think?”
“Fine… Oh hey, she’s gone.” Shi said, peaking their head out as they opened the door.
“I told you! You trust people too much.” Yen grumbled.
“Well… we were angels at one point,” Shi said, closing the door with a smile on their face. They opened the second compartment of the drawer that was next to the bed, grabbing a strange device.
“It doesn’t matter anyways, since we know where she is. Always.” Shi said, his smile growing into something much more sinister. A beeping could be heard from the device they were holding.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Fabrication: Shikri - Day 6 & 7Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the gory S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Esther and Khea are going to see a singer named Sakura perform through some virtual device, which goes to show how synthetic the world has become. Then, Esther wakes up in Hell, with demons wanting her gem, but instead, she runs away, back home! But it was a mistake of her to run from those demons, because they always know where she is…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - The part where Esther asks to run away confused me a little bit. Isn’t Eden her home? Unless you meant her ascending vs her going home. That is just one little thing, though.
Chocolate Bar - I like the parts that were in italics, with the different memories. It seems to me that it was the demon memories and Esther’s past memories that were suppressed overriding each other to create a sort of dreamlike story. And the part about the gem growing because it’s taking life energy is pretty terrifying, but I enjoyed that detail, as well as the description of what Hell is like. Hell seems very much like, well…Hell.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an awesome chapter on Hell and demons! There is much more after this, which will reveal the bigger truth that is hidden just under the surface. I shall be certain to check that out, to continue on with Esther’s journey and so…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Okay so i've not read any of the previous chapter's but I really want to after reading this. It's not my usual go-to genre but I really enjoyed it.
The opening to the chapter is very engaging, and the scene in hell immediately drew me into this world. I was probably missing a lot of details, but from what I got in this chapter, you are great at building up a picture of this world"
I really liked this short passage, it dragged me straight into Yen's world despite not having read about it previously. The hierarchy of demons and the mysterious green gem create a very layered and imaginative world. I'm also immensely intrigued with the missing Lucifer!!
This was actually a pleasant surprise, because I assumed the story would continue as a sort of fantasy/demon world but now you're mixing the previous 'religious' lore of satan, demons, God, with Sci-Fi, which I think is actually pretty unique. My own suggestion here is that you do just tell us a lot of information that perhaps could have been worked into some speech and revealed in natural dialogue, but it's not like it doesn't work in a simple paragraph like this either! These were just the most interesting parts to me, and I feel it may be more effective to build up these aspects of the world through character's actions and dialogues, though you may have done this in previous chapters!
I wonder if you could tell the passage of time through the story rather than just adding a heading like this? I think it works, but to me it just feels a bit jarring!
I really enjoyed this and I will definitely go and read the other parts! I'm trying to get back into reviewing so I'm sorry that this was quite surface level
Hey there Toast! I've not reviewed any of this story before, but I had a quick skim of the first two chapters so I think I understand the premise. One of your other reviewers likened this to The Good Place, except it's the bit on earth where they're aware of the points system. I like that you mentioned motivation being important, because surely it skews the system if you know what you're doing.
Anyway, let's get into this chapter.
Wow, this is going to be a big thing to tackle in a novel. I'm interested that by having a dream this character thinks they're going to be able to defeat a supposedly almighty being... and hasn't really stopped to think through the consequences of if they succeed. I wasn't expecting this when I read the first chapter, but I like that you're thinking big!
This feels like a show not tell situation. To make Khea have more depth as a character it would be good to see the conversation and witness her devastation. Otherwise I feel removed from her as the reader. It depends if you plan for her to feature more, but currently I feel quite ambivalent about her.
I found it odd having this one after we'd already had the 'day ?????'. It felt like the header progression was maybe the wrong way around?
I feel like the plot is moving pretty quickly here, so I'm not really getting a chance to connect with many characters. I'm not sure how long you're planning on this piece being but it might be something to take a look at when you come to editing, because it's important to balance character arcs with the plot progression too.
I'm still liking the concept though, and interested to see where you take this one!
Hope this was helpful.
Icy