Day 3 (Midnight)
Nihilism; it’s a strictly forbidden belief in this town. The idea that nothing matters, or that there is no end goal inherently defies the twelve commandments that Yahweh gave to us. However, we all live nihilistic at times. Sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. Even though I know that Yahweh exists and that there is a clear-cut goal in basically everyone’s life–get into heaven, I sometimes lose hope in this world. This cruel, unfortunate world that I was born into. And, I have never felt more hopeless than right now. Right this moment where I was being tackled and overpowered by a what-seemed-to-be-a demon.
“Give me that stone, woman!” He said, tightening his grip on my wrists. His sharp claw-like fingernails digging into my skin was painful.
“Who… who even are you?”
“You have no business knowing my name! Just hand over that gemstone and I’ll-”
Suddenly, a powerful ring of aura emitted from the gemstone, repelling the demon away from me. He crashed into my bookshelf, causing the books to crash down and cause a commotion. The demon looked a little startled, but not injured.
“How… how did you do that?” The demon asked, bringing himself up as he was regaining balance.
“What? I didn’t do anything! Physically harming someone would cause me to lose points; even if they’re assaulting me!” I yelled—like an ignorant-shill-that-denies-how-messed-up-the-system-is-to-the-point-that-defending-yourself-is-considered-a-bad-deed-by-the-Ethicalibrator-for-some-dumb-reason.
The demon scoffed, taking a step back and then whispering what seemed to be a spell under his breath.
“O asteraki tou proinou, dose mou ti dynami pou chreiazomai; paralytiki anthisi!”
I didn’t understand a word he said but when he finished his chant, a floral scent shrouded the room; an accidental whiff later, I couldn’t move. The demon, step by step, drew closer to me. As he passed by the blinds, I could faintly see his face illuminated under the moonlight. The light seeped through the blinds, lighting his face in narrow, horizontal segments. A strong gust lifted the blinds high up, allowing the moonlight to light up the room, and I got a proper look at his face; eyes with pitch-black pupils that were placed in the middle of slightly iridescent scleras, crimson hair that surprisingly seemed better kempt than mine, and a horn only on one side of his head.
Before he could do anything further though, my parents seemed to have woken up from the commotion.
“Esther? You alright honey?” I heard my mom ask.
“Tsk, we aren’t done.” The demon said, before disappearing into the shadows.
My parents opened the door to discover a messy room with books all over the floor, the blanket more wrinkled than my great grandpa Alef’s forehead, and me… unable to move.
“Honey, are you okay?” Asked Mom, shaking me. I still couldn’t move a muscle.
“What happened?” Asked Dad, examining the room. I couldn’t answer.
As time passed, I could slowly move my body again, and I explained the whole situation. They only half believed it though. They somehow distorted my story of an unihorned demon barging into my room and trying to steal my gemst- I mean, the random gemstone I picked up from the ground, into a burglar coming into my room and causing mayhem. I didn’t bother correcting them, half because they wouldn’t believe it, and half because talking back to someone older loses me points (screw this system by the way).
“Get some sleep now, tomorrow- I mean, today’s the Sabbath after all.” Mom said, closing the door.
“Mom?” I asked before she fully shut it.
“Can you sing me… that? I don’t think I can sleep well right now.”
Smiling, Mom came back into my room and sat on the bed.
“Alright,” she responded. She gently started patting my head, singing me my favorite lullaby.
Numi, numi yaldati, (Sleep, sleep my daughter)
Numi, numi, nim. (Sleep dear, sleep)
Numi, numi k’tanati (Sleep, sleep my little baby)
Numi, numi, nim. (Sleep dear, sleep)
Aba halach la’avoda (Dad has gone to work)
Halach, halach aba. (Away, daddy’s away)
Yashuv im tzeit halevana (He’ll come back when the moon comes out)
Yavi lach matana (He’ll bring you a present)
I fell into slumber shortly after.
Day 3 (Day - Church)
The sermon was preaching about ‘forgiveness’ today.
‘Forgive others, and they shall forgive you. Our holy Yahweh made this world fair for everyone, and justice always prevails. Forgiving is the stronger thing to do.’
I tuned him out after around ten minutes of listening, focusing more on the stained glass windows and looking at the artworks that were illuminated through them.
Before I knew it, the sermon was over. As I was getting ready to leave, someone jumped on me behind my back.
“Yo! Where are you headin’?” Asked Khea, nearly making me choke on air.
“Oh, I’m just um… heading home. Why?”
“Well, pastor Elijah is calling for you.”
“Really? Why?”
“Dunno. Anyway, wanna go to the Bazaar after? They’re holding an art convention there and Alzayin’s artworks are being featured!”
“Oh cool! Then wait for me. ‘Kay?”
“Sure.”
Alzayin was a really popular cartoon artist that both Khea and I admire. I rushed up the stairs with my tote bag swinging heavily back and forth like a pendulum. After reaching the third floor, I headed straight to the pastor’s office and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” Pastor Elijah said.
Entering his room, I could feel a special holiness emanating from the room.
“Hey Esther, do you know how many points you have?” He said.
“Huh? Why?” I asked, pretending to be oblivious about being in the top ten and potentially being a candidate to enter the gates of heaven.
“Well, this Wednesday, they will be holding that in the town square. And you are one of the nominees.” He said.
YESSSSSS!! I yelled… in my mind. I couldn’t scream out loud or that would’ve been rude.
“Really? Wow, that’s amazing news!” I exclaimed as if I was surprised to hear it.
“Okay, now I just wanted you to come here since I wanted you to know. It’s great that you
have the chance to be selected by Yahweh, but if you are, you’ll need to be prepared since you will be leaving this mortal realm soon.”
“Alright! Thanks for letting me know.”
“That’s it. You’re free to go now.” Pastor Elijah said. I nodded and made my way out,
smiling and thanking him nonstop. A few more points can’t hurt after all.
As soon as the door shut, I did a little celebration, punching the air, trying to contain my joy.
I might actually get to heaven! I get to enter the gates of eternal paradise! I… I get to leave this place… forever… I suddenly stopped, realizing what pastor Elijah was trying to tell me. I took it as good news. However, now that I realized it, Pastor Elijah wasn’t exactly smiling for me. He seemed more… worried.
I decided to ignore it; like so many other holes in this system. After making my way down the stairs again, almost tripping on the last step, I quickly caught up to Khea and we headed down to the bazaar.
Day 3 (Day - Bazaar)
“Esther, what did you talk about with pastor Elijah?” She asked, taking a big gulp from the strawberry smoothie she bought from the booth earlier.
“Nothing much. You’ll find out on Wednesday. Oh hey, there it is! Alzayin’s booth!”
We both admired the artworks displayed; chatting and laughing together as we looked around the booth.
I had a lot of fun today.
"Flower Shop" - Painting by Alzayin
End of chapter
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Esther almost gets the gem taken from her by a demon, she listens to a lullaby from her Mom, then, she goes to church the next day and learns that she’s going to Heaven! Pastor Elijah seems worried about it, though, but she doesn’t think too much on it. After all, what is there to be afraid of when you’re going to Heaven?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you wish to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love that it seems more like Esther is getting more upset about the system, like she wants things to change, but feels powerless about making those changes happen. I also like the description of the demon with the one horn, it’s a unique and cute detail. ^v^ And the lullaby Esther’s Mom sang to her was nice, very sweet, very much something that one would want to hear to distract from the horrors of life.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely chapter on revealing even how flawed the system was even more! I’m certain that this demon will come back and that whatever Heaven Esther is going to might not be the Heaven that she dreamed of, but I will be certain to check out the other chapters to find out!
I wish you an awesome day/night! :>
Hiii again!! Been a bit, sorry, but I'm back to review this incredible story so far!
I can't get over the art. I can't get over the art you're TOO good. (Any tips for a lil amateur over here?) The cover for NaNo, the three covers for each chapter, the art of the flower shop painting?? Your avatar?? Everything in your art thread??? Okay, sorry, I'll stop. This is about your chapter. (But the artttt it calls to meee)
I remember you asking for more critiques and possible improvements for your work, but sometimes I can go a bit overboard, so hopefully anything I wrote isn't too discouraging or critical, but please tell me if anything is so I can avoid it in the future! I really just want to be the most helpful I can, and if something isn't working, please tell me!
Anyway, with that, let's get onto the review, shall we?
I really like this for many reasons. One, it's a great hook. Like, it's so interesting but it actually relates deeply to the story, and it makes a perfect transition into the rest of the story. It also reveals a lot about Esther's character; stuff that's interesting and that I didn't expect. Many characters (and people), when attacked, get a sense of rage and self-preservation, and either fight back or run away if possible. But her reaction is hopelessness when overpowered, which I find incredibly interesting and very much the opposite of cliche! Huh I wonder if I've seen this done before in this fashion before... I don't think I have...
Wait, isn't Esther a child? (Or a teen or something) I think I remember that from somewhere, plus she lives with her parents. It feels a bit strange to call her "woman"; not necessarily anything wrong with it, but it caught me off guard and took me out of the story.
On a different note, if you wanted to add more strength to his entrance and the description, you could try a different way of describing things. For example, instead of saying it was painful, you can show or describe how it's painful. Describing also, a little more about their body language can both help with pacing and and creating more believable characters. For this scene, I think you can lean more on those descriptions. (Although not to a great extent - you've already got a lot tucked around everywhere.)
This kind of relates back to descriptions, but also something about the word suddenly. I think suddenly is a perfectly fine word, but there are many better words that can't be expressed. It really goes back to the show, don't tell, (another way to think about it is describe, don't explain), and how instead of telling the reader something was sudden, you show the reader how sudden it was. You don't want to confuse the reader, of course, with something sudden happening with no warning, but often the word "suddenly" is simply not needed, or the sudden action can be led up to in an easy way.
But oooh, the gemstone is protecting her? I'm so excited to find out how it works and what it does... And why does he want it? I'm so curious about this demon... speaking of which...
I love love love this description of him! It perfectly portrays what we know of him so far, and gives us some information we didn't know previously. I also love that his hair is more tidy than hers... that's so funny XD And now I'm wondering, too, why he only has one horn? Backstory?? I'm so excited to know more about him, and you did an excellent job introducing his character.
I feel like her parents should be a little more worried??! Their daughter literally was paralyzed for a bit, and even if only some of what she's saying is true, it's still very concerning! If you wanted to make this a little more realistic, I might say give her parents a bigger reaction or a bigger reason for not reacting as much as they probably should in this situation.
One other quick suggestion would be to try to create more unique character voices while people are talking, and in general, adding more interesting dialogue. From the authoritative image we have of him, it doesn't seem quite right for him to say, "Hey Esther." And things that are simple and don't add much or anything to the story or what's happening probably isn't very important, so I'd suggest finding ways around that or making it more interesting - potentially by adding more character voice. This is a bit of an uncharted territory for me, though, because I know nothing of writing characters XD so take what I say about them now, before, or later with a grain of salt because I don't know... anything.
You are very good with Esther's inner dialogue, or more accurately her inner voice! We can hear so much of her character from these little snippets here and there of how she's interpreting the world around her, and already I'm getting very attached to her, and we're only 3 short chapters in. I can't wait to get to know her better because unlike a lot of main characters in a lot of popular media, she has some personality going for her.
There's this and another part where the sentences get broken up, which I doubt was purposeful... XD Okay but now I'm more invested in the story than ever - you're offering a mystery of what it's going to be like there and if it's truly worth it... and how at least something is going to go wrong. I mean, this is what Esther has always wanted. She's not just going to get it without any struggle, right? But something tells me that it's not quite as good as she's making it out to be... or that something bad is about to happen... or she doesn't know something... important...
What exactly is he not saying? But also, I LOVE the way you got his emotion to creep through that entire conversation. I could tell he was worried before Esther ever did, which I thought was literally incredible and insane. I love it when writers can do this, and you pulled it off soo well. You showed his emotions and thoughts so clearly, and I love that you could show that so well without Esther noticing that until after, which also created this sense of dread. This part was absolutely masterful how do you keep doing stuff like that.
This whole song is so sweet I love it, and reading the Hebrew was really fun because I could recognize, like, two words XD It was a really nice addition, and it also wasn't something that took you out of the story. It was really fun and almost like, a nice break from the story while still giving more of the story.
The character movement, ahh, those little details. And I love how she's actually aware of the holes in the system! Dystopian worlds have characters that are so blind to everything, so it's so fun to have one where she acknowledges it! You keep twisting cliches and actually making them good! (Which is so hard to do ahh)
Overall, this whole story is turning out absolutely AMAZING, and I'm having so much fun reading it. That being said, don't be pressured to write faster or even continue, if that's what you're going to do. I hope whatever you do, you'll keep writing, because you are literally such a good writer I love reading your stuff. Thank you so much for spending time writing (drawing
Omg welcome back Orabella, thank you so much for your review! And no, you didnt go overboard, you gave me alot of valuable detail about my work. I definitely agree that overusing words like Suddenly, Then, However, etc. can seem lazy and doesnt have the same impact as actually good descriptive words. I know that, yet I still lean on them wayyyy too heavily haha..
Anyways, Im so glad you liked my drawings and thank you for appreciating the lullaby! Its actually a very common lullaby sung in Israel and other jewish communities called Numi Numi.
I might actually use my art thread for tips or smt as Im trying to learn anatomy who knows :eyes: but till then, chapter 4 might actually take a while not because of me procrastinating writing (althought that too) but because of tue drawing lol.
Hello!! I think adding the demon adds a touch of suspense and intrigue to the story, the struggle between her and the demon is described vividly.
I think this is too sudden. Maybe you could add some more foreshadowing about the system being messed up in the previous chapters? I know the readers probably realise this is coming before now, but somehow inserting it like this doesn't feel right.Is this the conlang that you're working on right now :eyes:
It's interesting that the system for going to heaven is screwed up, but the man who is preaching the system seems to be genuine because "special holiness"
This explains it i think. So he knows somethings wrong?
This is my favourite part,
I really like this because it makes the story feel real. I love how the descriptions of the demon are so detailed.
This was a really good story and I enjoyed reading it. And the painting at the end is really good. At first I thought Alzayin was an actual artist, so I searched for him. I found an artist from UAE called Khalid Al Zayani XD
Thank you so much for your review! I actually thought that I already wrote about the system being messed up but maybe not! Ill definitely try and foreshadow more about other elements of the story before revealing it next time as to not just rush exposition haha.. Also, thank you for appreciating the art at the end! I drew it like a year ago for a different project but decided itd go well with this story. (Btw alzayin is just a name combining Al which is arabic for Mister and Zayin which is a letter in the hebrew alphabet.)
(Also also, as this story is set on earth in the distant future, sadly that wasnt a conlang im working on but just a sloppily google translated phrase in greek. Sadge)
Foreshadowing would make it better, although i like the story so far anyways. Also, do you know Arabic?? I'm currently learning Arabic