z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+

Fabrication: Shikri - Day 1

by ToastK


Day -2402585

Yahweh has witnessed humanity’s first crime. The forbidden fruit has been consumed. Sin has now filled this forsaken world. Only the chosen will gain salvation. The rest… an eternal damnation.

Day 1

I carefully listened in on the baker and the customer’s conversation.

“That’ll be 12 Khyunyots please.”

“C’mon, I only have 8, can’t I get a discount? I promise I’ll make up for it.”

“No. I’m not even making that much of a profit by selling a single loaf of bread. Lower its price any lower and I’ll be losing money!”

“Fine…”

“Hey, I have a couple Khyunyots left over. Do you need any?” I asked, interjecting the two of them.

“Oh, thank Yahweh! Yes, that’ll be life saving! I only need 4 Khyunyots. Do you have any?”

“I only have 5 Khyunyot coins, but you can keep the change.”

“Thank you so much!” The customer said, thanking me multiple times before buying the bread from the baker.

No, thank YOU.

I walked back home, gleefully, knowing that I helped another person today.

In the small town of Eden, we are one of the last civilizations to still exist after The Great Extinction: An event we learned during history class where 99.99982% of humanity became extinct due to various conflicts and global crises. Now, we live in a peaceful time thanks to Yahweh protecting us. After seeing such tragedies, he came down to earth and created gardens(towns) around the world where survivors could gather and take refuge. Eden was one of them.

I arrived home and looked at my Ethicalibrator, a device that shows me how good I’ve been, and saw that I was in the top three of this month. Basically, if you’re like one of the highest scorers in the Ethicalibrator by doing good deeds, then you basically earn a one way ticket to heaven. Literally.

A long time ago, a man named Jesus died for our sins during ye olden days, but even that noble sacrifice couldn’t wash away humanity’s sins after what happened during The Great Extinction. However, even though humanity was beyond ever regaining salvation, Yahweh loved us so much that he created a new system, where only the ones who were truly good during their time on earth, would get to enter the gates of eternal paradise. On the other hand, people that Yahweh deemed to be dirty and unredeemable were sent to the depths of hell. Your age didn’t matter and instead, it was based on the Ethicalibrator. It measured how many good deeds you did and calculated your good points based on how much your actions helped others. If you do bad deeds, you lose good points. Not that hard to understand.

And then, out of the top 10 or so people on the Ethicalibrator leaderboard, the one who Yahweh deemed most good would gain salvation. And good news was, I was top 3. All of a sudden, someone opened the door.

“Hey Esther, Uncle Levi got sent down this morning.” Mom said, dropping a bombshell of a news on me.

“What? How? I thought he had at least a 1000 points!”

“Well, it turns out, he had over -10000. You never know with people.”

“But… He was so kind, caring and…”

“Quiet! Your uncle turned out to be a two-faced man and he paid the price for it. That’s all.”

She left as quickly as she came in, grabbing a couple things off the shelf that she needed to use for her job. I stood there, shocked. The uncle Levi I knew was not the type to be two-faced. He wasn’t backstabbing but loyal. He would always be genuine and caring when it came to others. But, he got sent to eternal damnation.

That night, I tried to not cry too loudly, as that would’ve caused discomfort to my neighbors on the other side of this extremely thin wall, and that would’ve made me lose points.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
32 Reviews

Points: 1543
Reviews: 32

Donate
Stickied -- Wed Jun 12, 2024 1:25 am
View Likes
ToastK says...



if ur curious how an ethicalibrator looks, check out the blueprint on my wall toastk

it’s very poorly drawn tho so…




User avatar
109 Reviews

Points: 12392
Reviews: 109

Donate
Sat Jun 15, 2024 5:39 pm
View Likes
goodolnoah wrote a review...



Image

Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here! I was instantly drawn to your story upon seeing the glorious art that came along with it! The cover is truly beautiful!

Hello there! ~ Writing/Story Commentary

I arrived home and looked at my Ethicalibrator, a device that shows me how good I’ve been, and saw that I was in the top three of this month. Basically, if you’re like one of the highest scorers in the Ethicalibrator by doing good deeds, then you basically earn a one way ticket to heaven. Literally.


This is a cool concept! I presume you may be using the ethicalibrator (funny name, too) as a satire of sorts? This is a world where Yahweh is confirmed to exist. After brief research, Yahweh is a Hebrew god of sorts (connecting to the Israelites). I’m not very educated when it comes to religion, so please feel free to call me out if I make any mistakes!

That night, I tried to not cry too loudly, as that would’ve caused discomfort to my neighbors on the other side of this extremely thin wall, and that would’ve made me lose points.


I feel as if this work is slightly…dystopian. Our main character has to try not to cry too loud in fear of upsetting the neighbors…A world where we knew heaven or hell was real would be frightening to say the least.

Damned ~ Closer

Sorry if this review included more of my personal beliefs on religion, but it seems like you have something to say here, and it’s very compelling thus far!




ToastK says...


thank you so much for your review!! and also, dont worry, talking about religion or personal beliefs is totally fine here. Also, Yahweh just means God as in the biblical God of christianity. And, the word Jehovah comes from the word Yahweh (as in the Jehova witnesses) so yeah, the more you know ig. Anyways, your feedback has been very valuable and I hope you have a nice rest of your day!! :D



User avatar
50 Reviews

Points: 6037
Reviews: 50

Donate
Wed Jun 12, 2024 5:39 pm
View Likes
Isbah wrote a review...



Hi ToastK! This was a very interesting and gripping story. I love the history and the world you’ve set up. Specially the device called an “ethicalibrater” I saw the blueprint on your wall before and now I’m going to look at it again :)
I also noticed that it’s different from other sci fi stories because the religious beliefs contrast with the new technology. In every other book I’ve read, it’s been about science overtaking religion. So this is refreshingly new.
My only suggestions would be to talk more about the settings because a reader will mostly want to know how the earth changed. Also, I’m not sure if this was the impression you’re meaning to give but this point system, it feels like it’s not going to be presented in a positive way throughout the story. That comes from the last lines I guess. And the part about Uncle Lev being sent “down” which I assume is the opposite of going to heaven is really interesting. Please write more of this. Good luck writing!




ToastK says...


thank you for your review!! I will definitely unravel more about the setting of this world and maybe, you might be on to something about the point system :eyes:



ToastK says...


thank you for your review!! I will definitely unravel more about the setting of this world and maybe, you might be on to something about the point system :eyes:



User avatar
243 Reviews

Points: 27897
Reviews: 243

Donate
Wed Jun 12, 2024 5:32 am
View Likes
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hello there! This is Orabella, here with a quick review. :D

Ooh, do you speak Hebrew? I see a lot of Hebrew/Jewish/related stuff here... (I mostly do not so if you write anything in Hebrew I won't understand XD)

Also, did you draw the cover??? If so THAT'S AMAZING WHAT THE HECK. If not, so far it fits the story soooo well, and it looks really awesome. I love the addition of glowing letters, too! I'm wondering what exactly Shikri is... I think it's a name but I'm not quite sure? If it's a character, I wonder who it is, as a "Shikri" hasn't been mentioned yet.

I love this unique idea! Kind of a dystopian religious world where everything is based on trying to get to heaven and staying out of hell. At first I was like, "Yeah! This sounds like a good idea!! Absolutely nothing can go wrong with trying to be kind." But when Esther's mom talked about her uncle getting "sent down," which I can assume means hell, that just created an uneasy feeling, which only grew from there. The fact that he went from kind and caring to her mother saying how bad he was because he lost so many points is off-putting, to say the least. Now I feel bad for Uncle Levi. I get the feeling this wasn't so fair, and clean-cut. Something about this whole situation seems off...

It's cool how you start out with negative days... kind of the beginning of it all, which immediately hooks the reader in as to, "what is going on?" and it helps explain some of the information later.

And 99.99982% of humanity?? Goodness that's a lot of people... Uhm... Yes, the Great Extinction is one way to describe that...

That night, I tried to not cry too loudly, as that would’ve caused discomfort to my neighbors on the other side of this extremely thin wall, and that would’ve made me lose points.

And this last line is so unsettling and so interesting; I just have to read more. It feels sad and somewhat foreshadowing; a place where crying loudly would be frowned upon because it could lose you points, where anything 'unkind' would lose you points and all you're thinking about is points. I can't wait to see where this goes; I actually love this story so much!! (Do tag me when you have another chapter out? I'd love to keep reading!!)

Thank you so much for sharing this story! I love the premise, the writing, and the incredible potential. Please keep writing, and have a terrific day!!! ^^




ToastK says...


Thank you so much for your kind review!! Also, I dont speak even an ounce of hebrew. I can read like 2 words but those are literally Yahweh (Jehova or God) and Hello.
I drew the coverart myself on procreate and it took roughly 2 hours to make. will definitely tag you if you want for the next post! also, if theres anything to criticize or improve, please do feel free to as that would be much appreciated :D



OrabellaAvenue says...


The cover art is sooooo good I love it soo much!!! I will definitely include more criticisms and improvements in my next review!! (And I'd love to be tagged ^^)

If you want any short improves from this chapter, I'd say try to make the explanation not an explanation... what I mean by that is, often in stories, authors will sometimes infodump their premise to the reader which isn't necessarily bad (and you do a great job not giving too much at once so the reader can process), but often it's more interesting if you can subtly describe the world to the reader. Or not at all! For example instead of explaining the Ethicalibrator to the reader, you could have two characters talking about it's function, and the reader will be able to pick up what the characters are talking about.

That's one idea, and it's really hard to pull off (heaven knows I've tried and failed sooooo many times), but from what I've seen you're an excellent writer and could probably take that idea and turn it into a masterpiece. (If you want. Remember, only a suggestion ^^)

Anyway, thank you for being so kind in your interactions! And you don't even have an Ethicalibrator to persuade you to do so! :D




Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury