Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
Author's Notes: This is very highly subjected to get rewritten. Also, you may notice like 7 other chapters of this series. It's okay, this is the prologue so no need to read 31 pages of the other ones before this one :)))
Prologue
I woke up in a cold sweat. My mind was flashing with yesterday’s events. I steadied my heartbeat before getting out of bed to get some cold water from the fridge. As I looked at the grandfather clock, its short hand was between two and three. It was dark, with a sparse glitter of starlight outside. Realizing that it was still deep in the night, I returned to bed to get some shuteye, knowing that tomorrow will be another long day.
As the roosters crowed, the sun began seeping into my bedroom. I got out of bed, getting greeted by a lovely breakfast prepared by Leah, my wife. After finishing my breakfast of scrambled eggs on toasted bread, I got myself ready and headed out to work. Morning commute was always hectic because of how many people there were, but I made my way steadily through the crooked alleyways and big roads toward an enormous brick tower. Beside it, on the ground, was a concrete wall that had the letters D, M, and A carved into it.
The DMA–also known as DEPARTMENT OF MORAL ACCOUNTING, is a government agency that is in charge of all things that have to do with the goodness and badness of us human beings. My role in it involves handling customer service inquiries and resolving any issues or bugs related to the Ethicalibrator. An Ethicalibrator is a device that we all have on our personnel, which is used to track how good our actions have been throughout the day. The more good deeds we do, the higher our point total is in the Ethicalibrator. The more we misbehave or act out of the norm, the lower our point total. However, the device isn’t perfect. Hence why there are people like me who work in customer service.
I headed up the elevator, getting to my little cubicle and starting off my day with a warm brew of coffee. Teriq, a colleague of mine, came by and gave me a stack of paperworks that needed to be looked over.
“C’mon man, do I have to be the one to do it?” I complained as I rotated my chair.
“You know how it is. All ‘em young ones don’t even know how much points a loaf of bread is worth! You’re the only one who I trust to look over these numbers.” Tariq said.
I couldn’t complain about it since the Ethicalibrator was on me. But if I could, there could be a three hour special of me doing so on DVD. The numbers I had to look over were pretty menial. All I mostly had to do was assign points for new actions that weren’t registered in the database yet. Here are a couple of fun ones that I saw:
-Giving the middle finger to an expired jelly salad after food poisoning: -23 pts.
-Giving 53 bunches of bananas wrapped in the shape of a TV as an anniversary gift: +13 pts.
-Using volcanic rocks as seasoning during environmental awareness day: -7 pts.
-Killing a significant other with a cyanide lubricated marital-aid: -5672 pts.
-Helping people afford groceries in a superhero costume while calling oneself “THE PRODUCER”: +127 pts.
After spending my entire morning time on just assigning points to actions based on the guidelines, it was time for a lunch break. I headed out with a couple of my colleagues to this sandwich shop that we’ve been hooked on lately. The best part was, they let us customize our sandwiches however we want.
With lunch break ending, I got back to the office to continue my tasks for the day. When I got to my cubicle, an envelope from an unknown sender was lying on my desk. After checking that it had my name on it, I opened it up on the spot, intrigued as to why it was there. The letter read:
“MEET ME AT THE 83rd FLOOR,
ROOM 108324
AT 1800 SHARP.
YOU SHALL COME ALONE
AND DISCLOSE THIS INFORMATION TO
NO ONE ELSE.”
I returned to my desk, mostly puzzled by why I am the one receiving something like this. I couldn’t really focus for the rest of the day.
When the clock struck 6 PM, I rushed towards the elevators, spamming the button numbered 83 when I got inside. Getting out, I saw a long corridor of doors labeled in an unintuitive mess. It seemed that the bigger numbers were to the east, except only for even numbers. Some numbers didn’t exist at all, and it was like a whole labyrinth up here. After scrambling around, I managed to find room 108324. When I opened the door, there was no one there. As I was about to walk away, I spotted another piece of envelope on the ground. Picking it up, I opened it like the last one. It read:
“GOD IS DEAD.
KEEP IT A SECRET FROM THE PEOPLE.
KEEP THE LIE GOING.
THAT IS THE FABRICATED MOTTO
YOUR COMPANY IS RUN ON.”
Getting an unnerving sensation behind me, I turned my head around to spot Teriq standing in front of the door.
“H-hey, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Were you the one who called me here?” I continued, showing him the first letter I received while hiding the latter.
“What if it was? Also, do you know what could happen if it’s found out that you were to be found in possession of something like that?” He said.
“Like what?”
“Nothing. I recommend you get some rest, colleague. Tomorrow will be rough.”
He left without saying a word more. Looking out the windows and seeing the setting sun, I realized that I should also head home. I also realized I might be slightly scared of heights as I looked down on the town from such a high viewpoint.
Returning home, I got greeted by Leah who was preparing dinner. After dinner, I got ready for bed earlier than her, who was on the sofa knitting some kind of ugly Christmas sweater. I told her to not sleep too late before passing out on the bed.
I woke up in a cold sweat. My mind was flashing with yesterday’s events. I steadied my heartbeat before getting out of bed to get some cold water from the fridge. As I looked at the grandfather clock, its short hand was between two and three. It was dark, with a sparse glitter of starlight outside. Realizing that it was still deep in the night, I returned to bed to get some shuteye, knowing that tomorrow will be another long day.
My sleep was interrupted early in the morning by the doorbell ringing. I went to check out on it as Leah was fast asleep on the couch, her hands loosely holding on to knitting pins. Opening the door, I was greeted with two officers with a badge that I was all too familiar with: the DMA.
“How’s it going?” I asked.
“Mr. Levi, you have been sentenced to damnation by the moral court.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is about Esther’s Uncle Levi and how he had lived a normal life until the DMA decided to take him away. He’s very understandably in shock, but maybe there was a mistake…right? Right…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like how everything seems normal for Levi, but there is a hint that things are wrong, especially from the letters presumably written by Teriq and from how Levi couldn’t sleep at night. The mundanity of his life contrasts perfectly with that last sentence, because it feels like no matter what, anyone could be sent into damnation. Even good people like Levi…at least, from what I gather, he was good.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a haunting prologue to the story! I liked reading it as it was, but I can’t wait to see what it’s like rewritten! I wonder if Esther will ever reunite with Levi. I hope that she does, that would be nice. But whatever happens, I’ll be sure to read more and…
I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^
Oy, there's an immediate hint of humour in this that pulled me past echoes of 1984. ^_^ So simply on the initial impression--that lightness on the edge of dystopia--I read on.
...have me giggle snort, indeed.Particularly (as it relates to humour): Your choice of terms and names for gov't roles/systems. Ha! Ethicalibrator? Brilliant, mate. And these!
Dystopias and apocalyptic narratives usually suffer from either overwhelming flippancy, or more often, so much Seriosity, you want to peel your eyes out and bury them. You've struck sort of an-between, which has me curious.
Basic Copy Editing - Punctuation & Grammar
I'm not sure if you're the drafting stage where you'd like a full line by line edit? I'm assuming not quite yet, that you're still developing. That said, three points:
-Watch your dialogue punctuation. This happens somewhat often:...where the quote mark closes a full stop [.] and the dialogue tag follows [Tariq said].
When someone is speaking, tags are part of the sentence, thus the full clip ought to include a comma after "these numbers" follow by "Tariq said." ( Do you think it might work something like: On arriving home, I found Leah... (making dinner?) She greeted me with a smile.
Character & Story Et al:
-Leah -- I haven't the faintest if she'll be a player in the ongoing story. But oy, if she had a face or affect to give the reader a sense of who she is, she'd also be a avenue for more deeply drawing your protagonist. If she's purposefully a blank (a la Truman Show woman, perhaps, or Millie in Fahrenheit 451?), I would also suggest characterizing her that way deliberately.
-Delighted by your protagonist's casual recording of his job and observations of the world he lives in. I think you've set this up neatly for dropping world and plot details without dumping info;
-Do other characters (Tariq?) have distinguishing characteristics? This bit seemed a bit bare.
Oy, that's all. I had fun skating through this, and if I can make the time, I'll try to stop by the follow up chapters!
Cheers and toodles,
IMP
Hi imp, thank you for your review !!
I definitely have trouble writing grammatically correct dialogue, and didnt know that you could end dialogues with commas haha...
Im glad you found this story amusing! and yes, its still in the early stages so i am open to ideas in terms of plot development since i have a reallllly hard time with pacing
Hiya Toast! It's good to meet you, I've seen you around the site but I don't think we've really been introduced. I'm excited to be able to read and review your work and hopefully leave you some thoughts that are helpful.
My first thought when reading through the description of the Ethicalibrator was that it reminded me of the Good Place. It's one of my favorite shows; I love the idea of assigning points to moral actions, and the inevitable breakdown of a system that relies upon that because human behavior is too complex to be broken into a point system. Plus, there's so much humor in the random acts that are assigned point values in the Good Place, and you did the same thing here. I like the way the humor of bizarre actions breaks up the intensity of the moral system that's being described and the dystopian feeling that accompanies that.
Also, the second letter is very intriguing and incredibly well-written! Props to you for that. I can totally see that inscribed on the back cover of a book because it encapsulates so many important aspects - God is dead, keep it a secret because your wellbeing depends on it. I can't even properly describe why that's so hard-hitting, but it was for me. Probably my favorite part of this prologue.
One part that didn't quite make sense to me was the discrepancy between Levi's job description at the beginning and what it seems he actually did. Towards the beginning you said:
However, once Levi starts working, what he does is this:
Is he only covering this task for the day because there's no one else who is able to do it, as Tariq said? Or does Levi have both responsibilities? It seemed like a discrepancy to me, but maybe I'm missing something.
Moving into a few suggestions, the first one I would have would be to slow down the pace of this story. Things seem to move very fast, especially considering this is the reader's introduction to a new world and new characters. Rather than flying through Levi's morning routine, I would take that opportunity to describe the relationship between Levi and his wife, his relationship with his work, the world around him and how it might be different than the world that we (the readers) live in. Beyond that, I would have loved to see more suspense built up between the appearance of the first and second letter. In general, taking things slower would have built up more suspense, introduced the characters more thoroughly, and described the world that you've built.
On a smaller note, I think maybe it would be beneficial to have some action descriptors accompanying the words. For example, here:
From the stutter (and the context lol), I can sense that Levi is nervous. But it would be more descriptive to say:
This shows just how nervous Levi is, which gives some more gravity to the situation. I hope that that example helped clarify what I mean as well as why it might be beneficial.
Overall, this was a really fun prologue to read and has me interested in the rest of the story! I'm on a bit of a Green Room kick but I've noted down this story to follow if I start to follow a novel again. I think a sort of fusion between the Good Place and 1984 has a lot of potential as a dystopian novel, and I'm excited to read more! You've established a fun premise, and the humor you wove and the slight de ja vu of the repeated-dream. Great work on this, and I hope to see you around and read more from you soon! Please feel free to reach out with any questions about anything I've said here.
Best,
Atticus
Hello Atticus! Ive also seen you dwell here and there on this site as well but i dont think we have properly met before. Also, what a great review thank you so much for the valuable feedback! Originally, Levis existence was completely missing in the story, only coming about as a mention here and there. However, some people (a lot actually,) mentioned how it would be better to start the story off with Levi. I definitely think his actions are very consequential through the story, but there is this sort of haziness surrounding him, making him slightly mysterious and unknown. So, I omitted quite a lot but I am definitely open to hearing how to better pace this lol bc it is indeed a mess rn.
this is very. the good place vibes.
Lmaooo the points system of the Ethicalibrator is very heavily inspired indeed