Author's note: This is written in a time when women weren't allowed in military operations. But Joan was chosen by God to lead the men, but at the same time she wasn't a feminist. I would really appreciate any pointers on this matter, as I DO NOT want to make her seem like one. Also any corrections on Grammar, plot, history and the like will be greatly appreciated. Thanks a million guys!!
Jean stared at the wooden door. The lines throughout the wood seemed to stick out and he let his eyes wander over them, taking in every detail. The Dauphin knows that I don’t believe in the Maid from Lorraine, but still he appointed me as her squire, he thought. Jean set his mouth in a grim line; she will know that I am only doing this for Charles and France. No woman should command the men, especially one that is 17 years old and has no experience in warfare.
“Thankfully, Joan has her Voices, so she should be fine in battle,” a sarcastic voice said.
Jean jerked his head up, startled. Now awakened from his thoughts, he saw that the door had opened revealing a tall bearded man. “Did I say that aloud?” he asked, bewildered.
“Unless God gave me the power of hearing thoughts, then I’m fairly sure you did,” the man answered, his voice practically dripping with sarcasm. He stuck out his hand, “My name is La Huire,” he said.
Jean shook his hand gingerly, “Jean d’ Aulon. The Dauphin appointed me as the Maid’s squire.”
He shifted uncomfortably; feeling La Huire's eyes scanning over his body. When told that the Maid would be having a special household, he had expected as a military head, someone who looked intimidating and strong. Jean wasn't what most men would call overly strong. Just average strength it seemed, but La Huire could tell from his stance that Jean was exceptionally skilled in warfare.
Jean was not what most people would call good-looking. But all would say that he left a lasting impression on your mind. When a person would look at him, they would find it hard to rip their eyes away from his. He had powerful blue-nearly black eyes, that were steady, and to the point. His wavy black hair brushed against his shoulders barely, as befit the style in France, and framed his sharp, rather hawk-like face. Yes, most would say that he was different, but all once they knew him, they respected him.
“He said I was to report to her, and find out what my duties are,” Jean said.
“The Maid is in the chapel right now praying,” La Huire answered. “She is the oddest girl I have ever met. Most girls would be taking advantage of what her position brings but… Joan, well, she spends all her free time praying.”
Jean frowned, “when will I be able to report to her?”
“She is requesting confessions for the entire household before departure, so in about 15 minutes,” La Huire said, grimacing. “Strange order from a military leader, but still an order.”
A military leader that is a woman, Jean thought, a sour taste starting to come up in his mouth. Although he had been thinking about it for a while, he still couldn't wrap his head around the idea of a woman leading men into battle. Particularly a girl of 17.
“But come in, “La Huire said, stepping aside to let Jean pass. “Joan would never forgive me, if I was rude to her squire. Although I don’t know why the dam-uh sorry; the stupid servant brought you to my compartment.”
Although he wondered why La Huire corrected himself so suddenly, he did not comment on it and moved past La Huire and went into the room. Once inside he instantly became aware of his surroundings. He could feel the grain of the wood of the floor through his leather shoes; luxurious velvet curtains hung from windows, where sun streamed through illuminating patches of flooring. A table was in the center of the room, with a simply decorated sword lying on it, along with a map of France with an evident path marked out.
A lamp, not lit, stood on a small table next to a chair on the other side of the room, and Jean could tell that this was a very favorite spot of La Huire. Books lay on the table alongside the lamp and around the floor in tall stacks. At a glance around the room though, despite the comfort’s, gave him the idea of rigidity and study.
Jean stepped back towards the wall and placed his hands behind his back. This was his gesture in body-language to himself that he was nervous and uncomfortable. “When will the Maid be able to see me?” he asked.
La Huire had been standing near the table in the center of the room, fingering the elegant blade that lay there. He looked up at Jean’s question and smirked, “You must have already forgotten or you are very nervous about this job. I told you, Joan is in the chapel praying and will probably be out in about 15 minutes.”
Jean smiled, slightly embarrassed. “Forgive me. My mind was wandering it seems.”
Both men were interrupted by the soft closing of a door in the other room. La Huire looked up nervously. “It’s probably only a servant,” he said uncertainly.
A light knock was heard on the door connecting the two rooms. “La Huire?” a soft voice called. “Brother Pasqueral wishes us to prepare for our confessions.”
La Huire turned to Jean, and smiled. “It’s the Maid,” he said. “I must go, and prepare. You’d better do the same. Tomorrow we leave for Orleans, and the Maid has refused to have anyone with her who will not confess and receive our Lord.”
Jean nodded, inwardly as confused as a man could be. When he had heard La Huire say that she wanted all of her household to go to Confession he hadn’t believed him. But La Huire was speaking in all seriousness now.
I have never met a military leader who has ever even given a thought towards the men’s souls, he thought. Maybe she has the right idea of what she is supposed to be doing. But then he shook his head. That was absurd. She shouldn’t be in the army and that is final, he told himself sternly. Only Godless woman insist on accompanying the men.
Carefully, as to not disturb the books lying on the ground near his feet, he followed La Huire quickly over to the door. Crossing the corridor to the other side, Jean went and looked out the window. Already, he could see streams of men and woman crossing the courtyard for the chapel.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there!
What really strikes me in this novel is how you're able to portray Jean's disapproval of Joan's position. Being a girl, I can imagine that you would've had a hard time writing from that point of view. I have to admit, I feel a bit uncomfortable reading something like this, being a woman living in the 21st century. And that's great, seeing as you always want to invoke those kind of emotions into your readers. However, for the time period that this is set it, it's quite realistic. Of course Jean isn't going to want to follow Joan because she's a woman, among other reasons as well.
As for Joan seeming like a feminist, well, I don't see any of that in this chapter. Although we don't see any of her in this chapter so there isn't much that I can say about that. However, you've done a good job presenting her as a woman of faith rather than a woman for herself and the other women through the fact that she wants the men to go to confession. We get a good look at her personality and the way she lives her life. As long as she continues to do such things like this, she'll definitely appear to be a woman of God.
So you've introduced a new character in this chapter. I do wish that I knew the history behind these people so that I can give you a good idea of how well you are portraying them in your story. Since I don't I guess I'll just have to look at these characters as fictional characters.
La Huire is his name. That's an interesting name. After a short visit to Google, I figured out that that name is actually a nickname meaning porcupine, since he had a prickly personality. I find it interesting that you chose to refer to him by his nickname instead of his real name. I think it might be quite beneficial to readers if you mention his real name at one point or another. I think it's great that he's in this chapter because how else would Jean, and us readers as well, know what's going on? He gets a good explanation as to what is happening and what he is going to be expected to do. It's not anything complicated or completely specific, but it's informative all the same.
Looking forward to reading more soon! I hope I can give you better and more detailed reviews in the future
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks Noelle! xD This chapter I'm probably tossing aside, as I rewrote it and that's also posted, and La Huire isn't in it. But he will in later, and yeah, I'll make sure I tell everybody what his actual name is. *makes note* Will do that.
hehe, I'm sooo glad you didn't see her as a feminist! OMG, I would have torn this story apart until I figured how to make her seem not like one, if I had presented her like one. xD
This review was suuupeeerrr helpful, and I can't wait for the next one! Thank you!
Hello again ThereseCricket!
I do believe that this chapter kept up the same quality as the last one! All though I do have one minor suggestion. Just a pointer, instead of just this:
"Jean was not what most people would call good-looking." I think you should add either at the end so it would read "Jean was not what most people would call good-looking either." Just a suggestion because you said something very much like that in the previous paragraph. Otherwise, it's great!
~Kelpies
Oh, thanks Kelpies! I'll do that!
Old King Cole here for a review (I will also be commenting on Part I, as well)!
People have already written-up the mistakes in your grammar. I will mention briefly that you need to avoid repetition and you should adjust your dialogue and narrative voice so it feels more authentic and less like a Young Adult novel. Also, refrain from using digits (like 1 2 3 4 5); instead, write-out the numbers ("five" rather than "5"). Also, be careful about info-dumping. There are several instances of you writing paragraphs of Jean's physical and personal description. Try to weave description of the character throughout the whole piece. In addition, show instead of tell. Rather than telling us about Jean's awkwardness and lack of physical beauty, show the readers these characteristics in the ways he interacts with others.
I'm a Joan of Arc nut, so I think I'm going to focus on your characters.
Charles, the Dauphin: In your Part I of this work, the readers meet the Dauphin! However, I don't think you've accurately captured his character. You seem to make him entirely confident in Joan and her voices. Charles would have been close to paranoid. Not only were dozens of people threatening his life, but his father was mentally insane (his father believed he was made of glass and had a habit of throwing his feces on the walls of his estate) and his whore-of-a-mother was so depraved that she slept around with dozens of men and basically sold France to the English. I'd like to see the Dauphin more anxious, nervous, and doubtful of Joan. I think you need to drag out the time it takes for people to accept the true divine identity of Joan. Have them wrestle with it!
Étienne de Vignolles, La Hire: In Part II, you introduce readers to Étienne, known as La Hire, who was a famous military commander. Here, you have diminished his presence. Étienne was called "La Hire" for his intense personality. He was known to be wrathful, difficult, brash, and perhaps even vulgar. I'd like to see La Hire being much more fiery than what you're portraying here. However, despite his disposition, he eventually became a very good friend of Joan's and was so inspired by her that he prayed before every battle--it looks like you're on track with this bit.
Jean d'Aulon: I'm not sure I like your portrayal of Joan's squire. You've made him irritable, arrogant, meek, and even a little dim-witted, in my opinion. Jean was a noble, so perhaps he would have been a little conceited, but he wouldn't have been as petty and small-minded as you've made him. Jean fought alongside Joan, was captured with her, and eventually became Captain-Governor of the castle of Pierre-Scize, so he had an incredible sense of purpose and he was definitely courageous. Furthermore, you've mentioned Jean's wife Helene, which is great, but Jean was also married to Michelette until she died. I'd like to see you write on how her death impacted him.
Characters I hope show up in your work at some point:
Yolande d'Aragon (the duchess who funded Joan's military campaign), Jean de Metz and Bertrand de Poulengy (both squires servicing Robert de Baudricourt, they escorted Joan to Chinon and became life-long friends of hers; they also convinced de Baudricourt of her cause), Baron Gilles de Rais (a commander and companion of Joan, yet he was later executed for kidnapping, child molestation, murder, and witchcraft, of which he devoutly practiced), Georges de la Trémoille (he was actually an opponent of Joan in the French court), Jean de Dunois, Bastard of Orléans (a lord and warrior who was active in Joan's military campaign).
I hope this wasn't too harsh and that you find some of this helpful! I'd like to see where you take this. I'm currently writing a couple pieces on Joan of Arc myself, so I'd love you to look at those when I'm done. We can compare notes or something.
You have a great start, here. Take care and keep writing!
Best,
-H.
Turns out I didn't need to wait until after finals!
Thank you for the review!!! Yeah, I'm thinking about dumping this part two and rewriting it completely. I have already started on doing it actually, so I should be posting it soon. But anyway, if you don't mind that is...I'm going to PM you some stuff that I'm wondering about for Character references and the like when it comes to La Huire and d' Aulon. La Huire I'm going to take out of Part Two because I found out that I was off when it came to where he was at the time( he wasn't in Chinon). But I'll definitely work on everything that you mentioned. As for the other characters..yeah..I'll probably bring in most of them, as they are all major characters it seems in the Joan of Arc story. Thank you so much for reviewing!!!
I really like the concept, being a fan of history, but there are quite a few nitpicks. I will hopefully get to a comprehensive review when I get the chance, so I will just leave you with some initialy thoughts.
Look, I know you are religious, but you should try and work on making the concept more objective rather than outright say that she most definitely heard God speak to her. Yes there is a chance that such may have been the case, but she may have also been psychotic. You never know. Make it more ambiguous and make it interesting. If you made it overly religious and biased I would most certainly put the book down and move to something more engaging and mysterious. Wow the reader. Give them something more subtle so they can make the decision themselves!
It's funny. Whenever someone claims to "hear voices from God", the immediate reaction is that they're insane and are not taking their antipsychotics, especially in today's society given the overall stygma of mental illness. Nobody would ever believe that they are actually God's messenger, even if there was the slightest chance that they were. It's very similar to Jesus. People thought he was crazy. As a matter of fact Jesus WAS crazy. He was radical and completely and utterly mad, which is why Christ is so awesome and unique. If He weren't so mad and revolutionizing we wouldn't have modern Christianity (even though Christianity was never intended to be a religion at all and Jesus would be very displeased with how the institution is now...thanks a lot Constantine)
It's the best of us who are mad.
Take into account that people who weren't in the clergy/priesthood who claimed to hear voices were thought of the same way they are today (only people think the clergy would be crazy too in this secular society). You do not seem to properly convey or realistically paint the stygma that people had back then as well. People thought that Joan was batsh*t crazy, which she was. But, like Jesus, if she weren't she wouldn't have done what she did. Across the years everyone has judged everyone who claims to hear voices.
Be sure to have people actually JUDGE Joan and treat her like she is absolutely insane, but she should prove otherwise through her actions or at least convince them that with madness comes greatness.
Joan is believed to have had Manic Depression (a genetic vulnerability and chemical balance also known as Bipolar Disorder [although NOT a fullblown mental illness]) along with individuals such as Teresa of Avilla, Ernest Hemigway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Abe Lincoln, Syd Barret, Mark Twain, Thomas Jefferson, both Roosevelts, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen (winning), Van Gogh, Augustine, Caesar, and possibly even Jesus as researchers have recently discovered.
Manic Depression, if serious, can lead to grandiose delusions and the hearing of voices, which was most likely the case with Jean D'Arc, but her voices helped her succeed. Who knows, maybe having bipolar disorder means that you have a special connection with God that nobody else has! I'd like to think that. I'm bipolar, so.
Anyway, moving on, your dialogue isn't very realistic. It sounds like two middle schoolers conversing. Make it more historically accurate. Even though we do not know how they talked back then in terms of linguistics, let alone the Froggies! It does not have to be realistic, as the reader won't understand the difference (always assume that the reader is a fool). I know you're still new and all, but really work on dialogue. Your prose is semi-decent and good for your age, but still. Practice, practice, practice!
Your story is going in a good direction and I can't wait to see how it turns out! It has promise, kid.
-Spotswood
Oh yeah, character idea.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_de_Metz
Thanks for the review Spotswood! Will work on it.
As a humongous Joan of Arc fan, I promise to review this after I'm done with final exams!
Thanks! Would be much appreciated!
I am obsess with Joan Of Arc!
Heya Therese
It's always nice to read more of your story. I have to say I did like the progression of it. Now we're getting to see the religious aspect of Joan a bit more and yet we still have to meet her. I feel like you're really building us up to when we are going to get to meet and her and I can't wait to see what Jean's first impression will be! All this talk about her also shows how she is really creating a stir among everyone.
Jean repeats an awful lot that she is a woman and she shouldn't be in the military. I understand why, this is a big scandal and everything is about this. But after about two times of it being the priority of it's own paragraph I got the message. I felt it was a bit too repetitive for my liking which kind of made me a bit bored. Maybe mix it up a bit by adding different reasons why she shouldn't be leading them other than her simply being a woman with no experience. Maybe instead of mentioning them all each time, one time you mention her gender, the next her age and then lastly her inexperience. Creates a bit of variation and you really get to focus on each one in more detail.
Cut the 'very' here.
Nervous, nervous, nervous it's all we hear! Yes, this is more spaced out in the actual story, but not enough for me not to notice the repetition. Vary it a bit... synonyms are great when it comes to this
Really I don't have much else to say! This was pretty brilliant on it's own. Don't forget to tell me when there is another chapter!
Deanie x
Thank you Livvy dear. I shall work on the repetition!!
Cricket this is great! I think Jean is coming along well- this is part two of the first chapter, correct? If so, than yes. I think, of all people, you needn't worry about your characters. I love how you write your character's interactions, it's quite humorous.
Keep it up!
Thank you Holy!!
Anytime!
Hi Cricket!
Here as requested. You asked me if I felt like I knew Jean, and the answer is yes! Yes I do. You do a fantastic job in opening him up to us without bogging the story down.
However, the section where you're describing his appearance.
This is a little infodump that borders on tiresome and makes your really cool character trite and overdone. I suggest showing people's reactions to him instead. I hesitantly suggest you leave this aspect of him out altogether because there are a ton if male mc's like this, and it sorta kinda begins to ruin him if you add this.
My other main point is La Huire. He's sarcastic one moment, informative the next, friendly the next. Who exactly is this man? I think I like him, but he has so many confusing layers that I'm not sure I see how they fit together yet. I also want to know how he feels about Joan (btw, Jean, Joan... Could get confusing later on...). I can tell La Huire respects her, but is it a grudging respect a whole hearted one? I want the details.
Which leads me to gushing about how cook a Joan of Arc story is and how excited I am for you to continue. I'll check out the first chapter soon and maybe leave a review. Let me know when the next chapter is posted!
Keep writing,
Megs~
Oh, OK. So I need to explain more on what La Huire feels about Jean. Will do. Thanks for reviewing!! And I will definitely tell you when I post another chapter.
Dash it all. I'm so curious for Jean to meat Joan...
I really just have a couple nitpicks about this chapter. Overall it was alright--I mean, there's not a lot happening right now, but we see Jean arriving at Joan's...camp or whatever? I'm not entirely clear on that, but that's alright--we see his deep disapproval of a woman warrior, which I'm sure shall change through the course of the book. And we get a decent idea of what La Huire is like because of his room, which is a good way of setting up a character.
This bit should probably be moved to chapter one, however:
Because we've been in Jean's perspective this whole time, and yet this is the first time we actually get an idea of what he looks like. (On that note, we have no idea what La Huire looks like, either.)
Plus this passage begins in a way that could be simplified--you could just use simple past tense instead of "would say," "would agree," whatever, to clean up the writing. Like this:
"Jean was not what most people would call good-looking, but he left a lasting impression on people. When they looked at him, they found it hard to rip their eyes away from his."
That as opposed to "when they would look at him" and "they would find it hard." It reads more smoothly, flows better, and sounds more interesting than constantly using the word "would."
Also, this bit:
Because we've been in Jean's POV so far and this sentence uses "he" without clarifying the object of that pronoun, at first I thought this was Jean's thought. But then, as I continued reading, I realized it must be La Huire's. So if you wanted to keep this, you'd have to clarify that it's La Huire thinking this about Jean, but since we've been solely in Jean's POV so far, it would be better to delete it. It's okay to have scenes that are in different viewpoints, but you need to make sure there are clear breaks in viewpoint rather than slipping a different character's POV into the middle of a scene from someone else's viewpoint.
All for now! Thanks for tagging me
Blue
Hey, thanks for reviewing Blue. Yeah, Timmy was getting at me just today for changing viewpoints all of a sudden like. I will definitely work on it. As for the description, I'll move that one part to Part One. The part where you weren't sure where they were though...they are still with the Dauphin in his palace at Chinon. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that. I'll work on that too. Sorry, if this is an extensive reply Blue. LOL Thanks for reviewing!!
THIS IS FREAKING GOOD, I am hooked. I am not a fan of historical books. But i'm a fan of yours. The dialogue was genius and funny and you had me laughing the first part when he said it out loud and Jean made a sarcastic comment.
Um I like the names of the characters; their complicated to pronounce. Which to me made it more life like cause back than in France and Europe. Their names were freaking hard to say and your characters just seem life like.
I like how you tell us, the readers, how Jean feels uncomfortable by the way he positions himself. Now we know what to expect when he does that. Your words flowed and it was remarkable to read. TO be honest I was not paying attention to grammar spelling I was more like reading it for the fun and i'm sorry if you wanted advice what to fix. I just didn't think you need to ask people. Your work is too interesting to judge even so it could need work..... Not saying it would
Um thanks for the read!
OMG, thanks for this review! I could always use encouragement like yours. It always a pleasure to hear it, when someone likes what you write!! Thanks!!!!