Author's note: One thing that I'm unsure about, would be that there are two historical facts that take place here, and I was wondering if that's too quick? Also, I need help on the swearing spot. I know that sounds weird, but I NEVER swear, and when I do, it's hardly anything. So I'm wondering if the swearing impacted you at all, or anything like that? And maybe suggestions to improve on it?
As the trees and fields slowly disappeared from his line of sight and the encampment filled it instead, Jean began to notice a strange look crossing Joan’s face.
Instead of the usual peaceful look—that was only disturbed when somebody disobeyed, or the occasional flair of temper that would come—she had a stony expression instead. One that was going to make sure everyone knew why.
“Is something the matter?” Jean asked, looking at her nervously. This is strange for her.
“Yes,” Joan answered, her voice becoming forceful. “There are women everywhere!”
“Uh,” Jean started. “You’re a women…”
“These women have no purpose here, except for perhaps the impurity of this situation!” she retorted. “I have a purpose, and I was sent by God to fulfill it. These women don’t.”
Jean, and turned away from her, not wishing to get into another argument. True there were women around. Every time he turned his head, he saw at least one or two, milling around. Most were filthy and wore clothing that drew out the shape of their bodies. He looked away with loathing at their disgusting way of dressing, and stared at the ground as they continued by.
What is their purpose here? He questioned himself. They are just standing around talking, not accomplishing much. She does really have a point, in a way.
Grabbing ahold of his hat that was starting to come off—due to the now oncoming wind—he watched cautiously as the women began to cluster into separate groups and started to point at the coming party of soldiers.
Comparing the faces of these women to Joan’s face, he found that he could understand why people saw her as different, and why she was viewed by most as sent from God.
The pureness of her expression and the calmness in her eyes, showed her gentle and true spirit from within. What’s on the inside will be reflected in the outside, he remembered. The same could go for the women that were seen everywhere now.
Taking his mind off the women of the camp, he ran his hand through his hair and looked ahead, past the countless tents and soldiers, to the gate of Blois.
Squinting, he could see that there was standing in front of the gate, a small group of around ten men. The one in front was a big burly, brown haired man, his hand resting on the sword hanging on his side. The rest seemed to just melt away next to him.
“Who is he?” Joan whispered.
“You’ll see once we get there,” Jean answered. “You might like him.”
He smiled. This is what she will not be prepared for, he thought. Hearing several shouts ring out above the clamor, Jean turned around to see their party of twenty men or so turning off the main road and going to merge into the camp. Turning his head again to see what Joan was doing, he was surprised to see that she wasn’t by his side, but ahead of him.
On her white horse, she was slowly making her way towards the big man. Her two pages on one side of her, followed. Looking back, he noticed Gourcout looking after her and then at the Archbishop. Is he going to be following or something…, he asked himself.
Still smiling, Jean kicked his heels into his horse’s side, and followed her. Urging the animal faster, he caught up to her before she reached the gate and the group of soldiers.
As soon as her horse stopped, she dropped her reins and swung off. Jean followed, and also left his horse to the care of the now dismounted pages.
As he moved closer, Jean began to notice the power, but also the scars covering the big man’s face. A scruffy beard covered his cheeks and chin, the white scars not as prominent through it. But on his forehead and around his piercing brown eyes they could be seen—in thin white stripes, occasionally crossing each other’s path.
The man instantly stepped forward when Joan approached, and grabbed her hand. He then proceeded to shake it vigorously. “Curse all those politicians that kept you waiting in Poitier and Chinon,” he growled, all the while still shaking her hand. “Damn them!” When he finally let go of her arm, she held it up and eyed it for a moment, before dropping it down to her side to hang limp and lifeless. “I’ve never served under a woman before,” he continued, “but I’d sure as hell try anything now.”
“Thank you, sir,” she replied, a slight frown appearing on her face. “I hope your men are ready.”
“They’re ready,” he boomed. He turned and spat on the ground. “I swear by all the living souls on God’s damn earth, that all they need is a change of leadership and a bit of hope.”
Jean grinned and looked at Joan, to see her reaction to what the man was saying. Instead of a pleasant look on her face that he had expected from the encouragement that the soldier had been giving her, a stony angry expression was etched across her face. What has happened now? He groaned inside.
“What is your name, solider?” she asked, her voice cold and even. Jean could now see that her hands were clenched tightly into fists.
The man looked at her warily, his sharp eyes eying her. “Most call me La Huire,” he replied. He folded his arms and looked down at her, as he spoke.
“Well La Huire, if you wish to be part of my army then you will have to give up swearing of any kind,” Joan said, her voice low but it made her point clear.
At those words, La Huire and the group of men around him burst out laughing. Their shouts of laughter rang over the field and bounced off the walls of Blois, causing soldiers to lean over the walls on the other side and see what the fuss was about.
Jean although tempted to laugh along with them, stopped the ready chuckle that would have come out if he hadn’t stopped it. But he couldn’t stop the little smile that briefly crossed his face, but not brief enough to where she didn’t see it. Looking at her expression, it was so hot and fierce, that he was surprised that La Huire and his group had gone on laughing for more than five seconds.
Jean knew that La Huire had expected a different reply to his name from her, than what he had been given. The tall man laughing in front of him was known throughout all of France for his strength in battle, and his foul language. Language that he wasn’t afraid to use in front of anyone, regardless of their rank.
I didn’t think she would be quite so sudden about talking to him about it, though, he thought. And even then… I didn’t think she’d make quite a fuss about it, either. But I was wrong about her, again.He gripped his sword handle and watched as Joan’s face went from red, to white.
“Stop that behavior this instant!” she cried, stepping forward. Every line in her body trembled with rage, and hot angry tears were starting to well up in her eyes and spill down her cheeks.
La Huire stopped and after one glance at her enraged face, immediately ordered that the rest stop laughing as well. “I’m sorry, Maid,” he said, an occasional ghost of a smile crossing his face as he spoke, “but every soldier and even women swear in this army, and there’s nothing you can do about that.”
“I can and I will,” she answered, her voice clearing of emotion and turning cold. “If they see that their leaders have given up that evil habit, and if they also understand that they will not be riding with me unless they do, then I think it would work.”
The smile disappeared completely off La Huire’s face as he stared at her. “You’re serious about this?” he asked. “You won’t allow swearing in the armies?”
“I will not ride at the head of any army that is composed of blasphemous men,” Joan calmly stated, her eyes steadily fixed on La Huire.
La Huire rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, a man has to have something to swear by,” he muttered.
Joan smiled faintly, the frown slowly lifting from her face at La Huire’s comment. “Then swear by something that isn’t offensive to God. Swear by your shoe, if you must.”
La Huire burst out laughing, and grabbed her hand again, shaking it until Joan politely withdrew it. “If you can stop me and the army from swearing, then maybe you have been sent by God!”
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi Therese!
Happy review day!
Wow, there really isn't too much I can say that hasn't been mentioned already! Honestly, the three of them below have really done a good job of reviewing this, so to my sadness I am simply going to keep this sweet and short, and hope you can find it helpful in some way. What I liked about this chapter was the fact that no one took Joan seriously. That was completely realistic, and I wonder if the soldiers are actually going to do what she is asking of them in the end, especially if La Huire was going to change his ways as well or not. As Blue said, he's one of the characters that has stood out to me most so far, and I am looking forward to seeing how their relationship is going to pan out.
At one point, Jean mentioned how he was surprised Joan was so blunt about the whole swearing thing as well as approaching the person so well known for his use of that kind of language. But then, seeing as Joan is new to all this, would she have really known of La Huire before this? I don't think so, unless Jean and her had a discussion about him prior to this. From the way she is acting though, I doubt they had.
The women are mentioned at the beginning of the chapter and then seemingly ignored for the rest of the time. I am not sure why they are really there, but if they are there for the purpose I am assuming they are, I think they would do more than huddle together and point. When people are alone or in pairs, yes, maybe that is what they would do. But people are more confident in numbers and if there are groups of them they would at least approach I think, trying to get closer, possibly to the extent where they would have to shooed away. I think. But then again, maybe they are just women going about their business... It just felt weird for them to be mentioned, a comparison between them and Joan to be made, and then the move on. They were seemingly forgotten.
That's a lot of stopped xD I would replace one of them with something else!
One thing I have noticed with your story is that it does have an awfully slow pace. You have some great scenes scattered there amongst the others, like this one, where humor comes in and I don't mind this speed because the scene is good as it is. But I know lots of people don't have the patience for slow paced books (me not being one of them) and need a bit more excitement to keep them sustained. It's up to you whether you want to add a bit more to urgency to the situation or something (as long as it doesn't mess with the history aspect) or throw in some action, maybe through training the soldiers or something. It's up to you, what you want to do in this case.
Keep writing, and I look forward to future chapters
Deanie x
Thanks Livvy!
Yeah, when I do the final edit I'll be taking out a LOT of the journey, speeding it up, and then putting something else in there. xD Hehe, I was reading through it the other day, and I was noticing that it just had a LOT of talking. xD
Well the women in the history aspect, were there just as tag alongs, and had no real purpose at all. Except for well, the impurity of some situations. Yeah, I'm thinking you're right on them probably moving closer and trying to get closer to the group. I'm going to have to work on that, as there will probably be a scene where Joan confronts three of them on that. #Spoiler
Thanks for always reviewing this Livvy!
Hiya, Therese! Your Team Black Cousin is here to finally review ^-^
Okay... Seeing as Timmy and BlueAfrica have already covered all the plot issues, I will be a kind little dear and fix all the little issues.
I have three nitpicks for this (two separate and about both paragraphs). It's funny because you were just talking about this to me - you don't really need them to be separated because they are both talk about the same thing: Joan's face. Plus, like you said to me... You really need three sentences or more for a paragraph
Now, the first sentence. Yes. The Sentence Master is already on your case. You need a semi colon not a comma!!! These are two completely different ideas. I can see how it links, with the seeing aspect of it, but to me it went: fields, trees, camp, JOAN'S FACE xD it was a little jumpy. If you messed around with it I'm sure you can make it fit. Perhaps put: As the trees and fields slowly disappeared from his line of sight and the encampment filled it instead, but then Joan began to notice a strange look crossing Joan’s face. See? Easy ^^
Onto the second! Hmmm... I don't think "that was disturbed" sounds right. Maybe, "that would disappear".
Hmmmm. I feel as if the middle part was showing. Why not put "Grabbing ahold of his hat that was blown off"?
A little bit of redundancy my dear friend. I don't think you need the second "face" after "Joan's".
I don't think "ring out" is the right word. I'd just cut it out. But it is up to you.
*ALARMS BLARE* DUN DUN DUN. I think you know what is wrong. You have a plural moment when you were meant to be talking singularly
Okay. And that's me done. Great chapter dear Therese!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thanks for reviewing Traunt! Hmm, about the paragraphing... yeah, you're right about those two ideas being one. I'll work on that. As far as the length though, I've been studying paragraphing recently and it says that it doesn't matter really how long the paragraph is, just as long as it presents a whole idea. So yeah, I'll work on keeping my paragraphs one solid single idea though. xD
Omigosh! I'm like constantly getting the plural and singular's wrong in for women and woman. It's like my thing! Thanks!
Thank youu soooo much for the review cuz! Make sure you write some more of Traunt soon, btw.
Hmmm. Interesting. I'll have to do dome research too
Hahaha. And me with the "their" and "you're"s xD
You're most welcome. It will more up to standard next time
Timmy here!
That would be fun to see - him swearing by his shoe because she told him that was the only thing he could swear by.
So I will try to write this review as best I can without using quotes, since I don't think that will help you as much in this case as simply talking about the characters and setting.
So the first thing that sent up a red flag for me was how you referred to the women. Okay, I get it… They wear clothing that isn’t the greatest, but you kind of just skipped over the entire scene. Think of that part as rock skipping. You just went boom!, boom!, boom!, without letting the idea rock) sink into the water (our heads) for the idea to connect, and for it to finish. Everything just zoomed by and I was left wondering why that spot was even in there… because it didn’t have a resolution or even an ”I’ll come back to this later”. It just began and then ended just as fast, with Joan seemingly moving on to a different topic. When you begin a topic, think of it like a story in itself. There needs to be some little bit of solution or temporary fix for whatever they were talking about before you can continue on to the next idea, or you are just leaving empty holes in your work. Your reader is still wondering what Joan is going to do, and then you bring the conversation zooming past that onto the ten guys coming to them…. I know the situation may not be resolved at that specific time, but you need some temporary fixture – a band-aid for the problem, if you will. Just throw a temporary thing over it so the reader is satisfied and move on. The reader is satisfied, because while they know the topic will be addressed in the future, it is temporarily taken care of and their mind can rest easy and put it on the backburner until the information is relevant once again. I hope you see what I mean there. Sometimes I can ramble on and on and on, losing the author in my endless talking spree.
Another thing I think could be worked on is the transition between La Huire (<--- that spelled right? I think it is) being his cursing self and whatnot to having his conversion. Looking back at what I read, I think it was more of a snap conversion - an instant change of personality, even - to make it what Joan wanted. These are battle-worn men, especially La Huire, with that wonderful description of his face and everything you gave us, and they just relented so easily when Joan screamed at them with tears in her eyes? Psshhh... Doesn't seem very realistic to me. I think it would probably take a little bit more for La Huire to be persuaded, and perhaps a bit more time. And the other men? Perhaps I wouldn't think it unrealistic for La Huire if perhaps not all of his men were of the same mind? Because, while that makes for unity in the big bunch, it does seem rather odd for them all to be in unison so wonderfully. Perhaps a few of them nodding along, maybe understanding and sympathizing with Joan - oh, I am drifting back to when they weren't convinced, but anyway - while the rest of them are laughing. I don't know. They just seem too much like canned laughter to me, just going "Aha! Aha! Ahaha!" because La Huire is doing so. Maybe some discomfort in the men?
While you posed a very striking figure with La Huire, I didn't get the impression that I would want to stay out of his way in battle. I mean, you gave us a nice description, admittedly, of his face and appearance and stuff, but then when his personality came around the corner, it took me for a spin, because it wasn't what I expected. Jolly? I was more expecting the kind of guy who would laugh, yes - but more at her than with her. You know, now that I think about it, I think his personality is fine - but just make sure you give him an impression of hardness as well as his jolly laughing side. So perhaps two sides of the man. Because when he shakes her hand, I get the picture of Santa Claus... and I don't think that is what you intend, unless you want presents to be handed out to the men for Christmas, which isn't such a bad idea, either.
I think I'll go with Blue on the entire swearing deal, and that it was done pretty well - except for the one spot she mentioned. I got the impression that all the language, while being harsh and stuff, wasn't really terrible? Like it was still watered-down language for a younger person's story? Which isn't bad or anything, but I am just telling you that he may have used harsher language than that. Damn is actually a pretty harmless word when you think of all the terrible and blasphemous stuff people use nowadays, but it does get the picture across you want us to see, so your choices for language may be fine.
Oh, and one more thing... I would have liked to see him swear by his shoe at his last dialogue spiel.
Overall, this was your best chapter yet. Good solid descriptions, not too much dialogue and thought - and they didn't seem to dominate, but everything flowed together very nicely in this. I think you may have reached the perfect compromise with all of these different pieces of a story, with internal thought, especially. If you keep things close to this way, and how you have everything right now, I think you'll do fine. Very good characterization, too. Love it all.
~Darth Timmyjake
"Swear by your shoe" omfg.
The only swearing bit that stood out as a little awkward was "God's damn earth." The rest of the swearwords were used quite well (if you can take that as complimentary).
(How would he swear by his shoe anyway? "Shoe damn it!" I mean...how would that work, exactly? Please tell me he'll actually do it at some point.)
I'm not sure which two historical facts you thought might be too fast--Joan's reaction to the other women in the camp and her reaction to La Huire's swearing? They worked together just fine, I think--after all, they're both related to her purity and her standing against anything she sees as offensive to God, so they actually go hand-in-hand. Plus they're minor things, not two giant battles or something crazy like that, so having both of them in this chapter didn't seem off.
Overall, your description felt better in this chapter, too--La Huire is the first person I have anything like a clear image of, and you didn't have any of those awkward minor character actions that were so jarring in previous chapters. However, setting-wise I'm still kind of floating in the air. I think what would help with this would be if you'd describe a bit more of the camp right at the outset of this chapter--I only know it's a camp and that there are a bunch of loose women there because Joan and Jean were talking about it. Otherwise, as far as I was picturing, we were still on the dusty road just outside the gates of Blois. Which could still be where we are, but setting up camp...I really don't know. So give us a little more to work with at the opening, and in previous chapters--it seems like you warmed up to more description once you got to the bit with her meeting La Huire, so see if you can't find more of that in yourself for earlier parts.
Blue
hee hee I didn't mess up that bad then when it came to the swearing? hehe, that part with the shoe... well in all the history books, they always say stuff like I swear on this or I swear on just whatever. I mean, one book, Joan told La Huire to swear by his stick. Does that sound like it would work? or... maybe just get rid of it?
Thank you Mommy!
I was thinking that I would do more description in the next chapter, but I can see your point with the setting. I'll work on putting in more description as they go along.
He could swear by his stick...but I just really loved the idea of this battle-hardened dude swearing by his shoe because a girl told him he's not allowed to take the Lord's name in vain.