z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dawn of the Daughter of God-Chapter 11

by ThereseCricket


Author's note: I haven't written on this story in a while, so it was rather difficult getting it out. It might come out as clunky and such... but oh well. xD There will be something in-between this chapter and Chapter 10, but for now I'm putting this up since I can't figure out an appropriate scene. Most likely it will be something that gets a good setting of Blois and the surrounding area. Please let me know if this is too much to take in (the no swearing, women are to leave, ect..,). Thanks!

Looking back on it, Jean couldn’t remember a time when he had felt such respect for any one person. The way she said so clearly every little statement—her soft but firm voice always seeming to echo and bounce off of walls—,and her abrupt manner of dealing with her armies.

Shaking his head, he grinned down at his boots.

Being a man who had never fallen into the habit of swearing too often, he couldn’t quite understand the mannerism of the soldiers. But he knew that with an army came cursing. It would be considered strange in these times of war if an army of rough Frenchmen didn’t swear and curse God’s name for creating the English. This was something that was a well-known fact.

Even so, the very day that Joan arrived at the camp and forbade La Huire to swear Jean could see her eyes widening with surprise and horror as she walked through the camp and listened to the men’s talk. Many a time he would inwardly wince as they walked past a tent and a spew of words swearing and cursing by God’s name came flowing out. To his shame later on, it wasn’t the swearing that was causing him discomfort, but the look of pure white-faced anger on the Maid’s face. Never had he seen such white rage.

“How dare they…?” she breathed, her hands coming up and resting on her hips is tightly formed balls. Turning around she stomped away, and towards the center of the camp.

Looking ahead, he saw that she was heading towards La Huire and the generals. “What are you doing now, Joan?” he muttered to himself. Keeping his step only two behind hers, he trailed behind her, taking care to not kick any mud in front of him and on Joan.

The broad road that cut through the center of the camp had been trampled by men and horse alike. Glancing over the dirt, he could see that it had rained at least yesterday. The appearance of wagon wheels slipping through the mud—even stopping and sliding backwards—were apparent. Stepping off to the side, Jean walked carefully on the very edge of the road where there was very little trodden dirt.

Feeling the curious glances that passed over him to rest on Joan, filled him with discomfort. Trudging after her, he stared at the ground—confused thoughts running through his head. Why she just can’t let this go? She’s in charge of an army of soldiers trained for the one purpose of war. Why can’t she understand that she isn’t leading an army of monks…

“La Huire!” He heard her voice echo over the field as she called ahead to the broad-shouldered man.

“Ah, yes, Maid,” La Huire answered cheerfully, stepping forward to meet her. Running his eyes over her face, they darkened when they saw the anger vibrating off of her being. “Something amiss?”

Placing her hands on her hips, Joan nodded vigorously. “Yes, I wish the swearing to stop in this army. I told you before, I will not ride at the head of an army full of blasphemous men.”

Shifting awkwardly, La Huire stared at the ground. “Joan,” he said, looking up at her and attempting a smile, “you do realize that these men will not take kindly to such an order. They will resist you in every way they can think of. Some will disobey directly, others will just desert. You should think this over more, before making such a decision.” Lowering his voice, he stepped closer. “It’s one thing to order a leader of the army to give up blasphemy and swearing, as I was ready to follow you, even before I had met you. But these men are different. They don’t know who or what you are, so they have no reason to obey your command in such a matter.”

Joan’s eyes softened. “I understand your concern, but my mind is made up on this matter.”

“Listen well, La Huire. Tonight, before the soldiers lay to rest, I wish you to issue a command. From your own mouth, I wish for you to say, The Maid has commanded that from this moment onward, no more swearing or calling down of evil –by the use of God’s name—from this moment onward will take place in this army. Furthermore, by tomorrow morning every woman will be gone from this encampment, and sent back to their rightful homes.”

As she dictated this out to La Huire, Jean could see a smile halfway twitching to life on his face. “Why must the women leave?” the big man asked, staring at her face intently now. “They have done nothing.”

“They have done nothing, but draw the men’s attention away from the task at hand,” she replied. “Furthermore, their current situation with the men is impure, and should be done away with. That is why they must be sent away. There is no reason for them to be here.”

Shrugging his shoulders, La Huire sighed. “Be it as you say, Maid. But I warn you, sending the women away will provoke more of an uprising than forbidding swearing.”

“Perhaps,” she replied, turning away. “Before we leave for Orleans, I want every man to have gone to Confession and received Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.”

“Confession?” La Huire inquired. “Why?”

“Why? What do you mean by that?” Turning back around, Jean stared at him in utter bewilderment. “They are about ready to march into battle. They need to be ready to meet death, and God. What other reason is there?”

Biting his lip to keep from laughing, Jean couldn't help but notice her crossed arms, narrowed eyes, and now cold voice. He could see the reason of why all the men would be receiving the sacraments before going into battle, but even his good childhood didn't see the problem of whether or not they actually did go, or if they didn't.

“Well, Joan,” La Huire said, for the first time his eyes lowered to the ground in a submissive manner. “I don’t recall the last time I've seen any of my men go to Confession or receive Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. I don’t know how they will take this.”

Joan smiled. The wind whipping around the lower plains near Blois, threw her hair every direction and into her face. Reaching up she pulled it away. “It is best that we always have the soldiers prepared for death,” she said softly. “That way we will feel no guilt upon sending them to it.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:12 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Therese!

Oh wow, it has definitely been a while since you published this so I am behind. I even skimmed over the previous chapters just so I would know what I was reading again :) I have to say that I did like this chapter, and a lot more than the previous ones as well. I get the weight of things actually starting to unfold and happen that will be meaningful to the story. Also, what is happening here really does reflect Joan's character as well. It is showing her to be a stubbornly persistent and willing woman. I liked that. I also approve of her insisting in no swearing throughout the camp. It seems like just the kind of thing Joan would really want, especially as she believes she is fighting this war in the name of God. Why then would approve of people cursing in His name? That's why I think you are doing the right thing here :)

I thought it would be a bit extended if they said there would be no swearing throughout the camp and then soldiers decided to desert. I am sure people would laugh and ignore the rules, or maybe even mock Joan, but I doubt they would run away because of language. Unless they implicated a type of punishment for breaking that rule. If that is the case (or if it was supposed ot be the case then maybe make it clearer here) I could understand why people then would desert from time to time.

I also found it slightly ironic that she said all women should leave but then she is in fact a woman herself as well. I can understand why she would see them as a distraction especially as women were used in many ways during wartime, but I would also think he would have a comeback to her saying that as well. Seeing as she is a woman herself I would probably be asking her if she wasn't a distraction to some men herself? And as a reader I would be intrigued by knowing what her response to that would be, and how she would deal with that question. I am not saying the women should stay - I just think that is a point she would be challenged on as well.

Jean couldn’t remember a time when he had felt such respect for any one person. The way she said so clearly every little statement


This sentence is worded pretty awkwardly. I would think that it is because of word order or having unnecessary little words in there. So, for example I would switch it to being like this: couldn't remember a time when he had felt such respect for someone. The way she clearly said every little statement.

Watch out for moments when you can make the text flow smoother and in a simplistic manner as well ;)

Jean walked carefully on the very edge of the road where there was very little trodden dirt.


You've double up on the word very here. Make sure you are careful about how much you use that word. Like just it can be easy to throw in everywhere, but it should be rarely used and used strategically in places where you really need it as well!

I don't have much more to say that others haven't already covered in their very good reviews. So I look forward to whenever you write another chapter of this! Make sure you let me know :)

Deanie x




User avatar
233 Reviews


Points: 19633
Reviews: 233

Donate
Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:44 pm
View Likes
Cithara wrote a review...



Heya Therese~

I haven’t read this in forever, and I’m pretty sure I stopped at like Chapter 4, so. I’m just going off what I see here; correct me if I’m wrong on anything. I won’t go into plot too much, but I do like this scene a lot!

One thing I want to note is how short this chapter is. It’s only 1,098 words—2 ½ pages. In those pages the only thing I’m really seeing is a bit of characterization on Joan’s part. Nothing else is really happening. She’s in a camp with Jean; she’s appalled at the soldiers’ mannerisms; she commands La Hurie to end it; he agrees. That’s literally all that happens. I think you could expand on this, add more to the actual plot. I also see some characterization for Jean as well, which you did really well. Your word choice isn’t too bad, but the grammar and punctuation need some help.

Your writing style is very prominent in both Dawn and Secrets. I notice you love to use the “-ing the blah blah, she blah blahed.” You use this over and over again, especially one sentence after the other in some cases, and it really weighs down the descriptions. An example:

Running his eyes over her face, they darkened when they saw the anger vibrating off of her being.

Placing her hands on her hips, Joan nodded vigorously.


And those sentences are very very close together, and I think what needs to be done is variety. Read through the chapter and note where you see these type of sentences, and then make a point to change some of those sentences to something like this: “He ran his [color of eyes] eyes over her [what kind of face?] face, and they soon darkened when he saw the anger that vibrated off of her.” If you can tell, I also can see a lack of simple descriptions. If you at least add some to the sentences as I have done prior, they not only detail the situation further, but add to the sentences as a whole. That’s just one of the grammar/description issues I found.

Other issues:

The way she said so clearly every little statement—her soft but firm voice always seeming to echo and bounce off of walls—,and her abrupt manner of dealing with her armies.
The appearance of wagon wheels slipping through the mud—even stopping and sliding backwards—were apparent.
Feeling the curious glances that passed over him to rest on Joan, filled him with discomfort.


Your sentence structure is quite weak, especially with these random breaks in the first two sentences. If anything, break these sentences up into smaller ones. I want you to keep all the information in these sentences, but the way you present them here just aren’t working.

The first sentence could read better as [and you could see it’s an incomplete because there are no linking or action verbs that complete the sentence]: “Looking back on it, Jean couldn’t remember a time when he had felt such respect for any one person. The way this girl said every little statement so clearly was remarkable. Her soft but firm voice always seemed to echo and bounce off of walls. One also couldn’t forget her abrupt manner of dealing with her armies.” I’m also confused with the last sentence; what do you mean when you say “abrupt manner?” When she’s with the armies, is she one minute nice, then one minute commanding and strict with them? If so, elaborate and explain that last sentence. That sentence was a perfect trigger to present a situation that explains that idea.

The second sentence has some unnecessary information. The way you word it is so excessive, the actual action feels detached from the details. And the third sentence is also jumbled. What you should try to do when revising is a) print out your draft and then b) read the whole thing aloud…slowly. In this way you’ll most likely catch all these odd-worded sentences and revise them ^.^

I think the previous reviews have stated most else of what I had to say, but hopefully my suggestions here are helpful, too! Honestly, I didn't have much to say about this chapter. Again, things could be worked on/expanded/revised, but I think you have a great start here in this latest installment.

You know where to find me. [actually I hope you don’t know where to find me >.> xD]
~Writer~




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Mon Mar 02, 2015 11:26 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



“It is best that we always have the soldiers prepared for death,” she said softly. “That way we will feel no guilt upon sending them to it.”


Seems a bit cold to be concerned more about "our guilt" for sending soldiers to their death than about the soldiers' potential death, but I suppose she's just being a realist.

To address your specific concern, I don't think too much happens here. I mean, Joan forbidding inappropriate language seems to go right along with her sending the women away for their inappropriate contact with the men, so it doesn't seem like too much to take in. And it's sort of a natural thought that she would then introduce the idea of sending all the men to Confession before going into battle. If they've been taking God's name in vain and living in "impurity" with the women following the army, they obviously have a lot to confess just from their daily army life. Although, that being said, I think there could be slightly more transition here to connect those decrees:

Shrugging his shoulders, La Huire sighed. “Be it as you say, Maid. But I warn you, sending the women away will provoke more of an uprising than forbidding swearing.”

“Perhaps,” she replied, turning away. “Before we leave for Orleans, I want every man to have gone to Confession and received Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.”


Even if Joan just said, "But before we leave" or "And before we leave" or "On that note, before we leave" or something of that sort. Just to see that the decree that the men must go to Confession ties into the other decrees.

Blue

Image




BluesClues says...


P.S. You don't even notify your own mother that you have finally posted another chapter???





Ohh, sorry Mummy. I completely forgot to do a status update when I posted this. Soorrry.

Ahh, yes. I see what you mean by making sure that her decrees go into each other. Like to make sure that they don't seem too random or misplaced? I mainly was concerned about all those decrees seeming like she was just trying to make the army into an army of monks, but I wasn't sure. Thanks for telling me how to get it fixed! I appreciate that, and I'll mess around with the last bit of text in the end. Thank youuu <33333



BluesClues says...


Well, she is a very pious lady, so it's probably okay if she sounds like she's turning them into an army of monks.



User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 833
Reviews: 48

Donate
Sat Feb 28, 2015 5:16 pm
View Likes
WeasleyDragonStar wrote a review...



Is this about Joan of Arc? If it is, how much research is involved? Is much of this guesswork and basic information, or did you take detailed notes? I'm not sure if Jean or La Huire are real people or not...I'd like to know. Try adding in some more powerful or colorful words (the word choice so far is a bit bland), and make sure to shape your phrases with elegance. The great part about your writing style is that it's easy to read, and, for the most part, continues with no unwanted halts. Interesting project so far. Good luck!






Hi! Thanks for the review.

Yes, this is about Joan of Arc. So far the research involved is just the basic, basics. When I do the re-write I will be putting in the actual details.
Jean and La Huire are real people. Jean is Joan's squire (he is basically with her all the time), and La Huire is one of the generals in Joan's army (more detail on his backround will be coming in the re-write and later on).

Yes, I will definitely work on putting in more powerful words. xD Thanks for pointing out such a major problem; I'll be sure to work on that.

Thanks! :D




The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal