Jean grinned, and leaned forward in his saddle. "That you can," he replied. "Can you see the castle that has the twin towers, there?" Pointing with his finger, he indicated two glowing pinnacles that the setting sun was just beginning to go behind.
"Yes," she answered. Lifting her hand to her eyes to shade them from the sun, she stared at the towers. "There isn't much else that is visible, though."
"Wait till we get around this bend," Jean answered, smiling. "You will be able to see the entire city, or at least most of it."
She turned her head, and glanced at the road for a moment. "So once we get past this bend, how long until we get into the city?"
Didn't she ask this question, a few minutes ago? He asked himself. Shrugging his shoulders, he replied, "in about an hour, or possibly less. You can't really gauge the time, when dealing with this kind of cavalry."
"Oh, alright then," she answered.
She sat there, as her horse plodded along, not speaking as her facial expressions kept changing. Her eyebrows would go up in confusion, and then down in anger, it seemed. Her eyes would narrow, and her hands would clench the reins more tightly.
She's thinking, and whatever it is, it's serious. Maybe those Voices of hers, are talking again. Smirking to himself at that thought, he rubbed his chin, and took note of the stubble that was beginning to form there.
"It's going to be nice to finally arrive," he muttered to himself, to faint for anyone else to hear, "and to get cleaned up a bit, before the actual action starts, will be enjoyable."
Minutes passed, and soon a full line of men was swinging around the bend, and the full beauty of Blois could be seen.
At first upon looking at Blois, all Jean could see was the sun, glowing behind rooftops. But as his eyes adjusted to the bright light, he could begin to see the actual city.
The sunbaked rooftops shone blazingly on the south side of the city, while the others on the north side were dull and cold. Trees spread throughout, gave a touch of color to the grayness of the city, and their branches swayed gently in the breeze.
“Even after you’ve seen it all your life,” he murmured, “the sight of Blois never gets old.”
“I've never seen the like,” Joan breathed. “It’s beautiful!”
Jean, woken from the daze that Blois had laid on him, smiled. “Wait until you see Orleans. Once we get across the Loire River, we will be within sight of it, and you’ll be able to make your plans for the siege.”
Instead of answering, she turned her head, flipping her hair as she went. Gazing up at the trees passing overhead, she grinned. “I never knew that there were so many trees on the way to Blois, and surrounding it. Back home, we always had so few.”
His eyes opened slightly at the sudden change in the conversation, but he held his tongue, knowing that it would be of little use to now stop the flow of it now. “The soil around the Loire River is good. The farmers are always glad of the richness of the land here.”
“I come from a family of farmers,” Joan laughed. “I understand.”
Jean nodded. “I knew you came from a family of farmers,” her head snapped up, and her dark eyes sharpened, “as whenever I meet somebody from that line of work, they have a sense of peace about them. They don’t need the outer world to care for them. They show from the outside, that God is pleased with them.”
Her dark eyes stared at him for a moment, and then turned away. “Most treat us like yokels. Mere tools. Dirt under their feet.”
From the side, Jean could see one tear slide down her face. But her lips were parted in a smile. Turning towards him again, she said, “I’m glad you think better of us, than I thought someone of your rank would.”
She is the strangest girl I've ever met, Jean thought, rubbing his shoulder with a gloved hand. Shaking his head in bewilderment, he quickly changed the subject.
Lifting his hand, he pointed towards one of the towers that was above the rest. “That is one of the Church of Saint Catherine. You’ll be able to visit there, if enough time is granted.”
She followed the direction of his finger, and smiled. Wiping the tear streaks off her face with the sleeve of her shirt, she sat up straighter in her saddle. “I will see it,” she replied, but with a certainty. “I have some business that I must attend to there.”
He looked at her, a surprised expression firmly implanted on his face. “What? What business?”
“I will tell you when the time is right. My Voices told me about it,” she answered, her voice dropping an octave.
Resisting the urge to act like a child and roll his eyes, Jean bit his lip in frustration and turned away. Can’t ever get a solid bit of information out of her, he thought, running his hand through his hair. These Voices of hers seem to talk a lot. Wish they’d tell her to tell me what is going on.
As the sun slipped behind the horizon, the dusty army neared the city. The sounds of men shouting, the gossiping of the camp women gathered in groups, filled his ears as he went forward. As they moved towards the encampment outside of Blois, men and women alike put aside what they were doing and edged over to watch.
Feeling uncomfortable at the now many prying eyes, Jean ducked his head down, and focused on the road passing underneath his horse’s feet. The breeze yanked on his hair, pushing it up to uncover his forehead.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the field off to his right, passing like a sea of brown and white. The dark brown dirt, clashed with the white-ish wheat, and bounced back to his eye.
Blinking, Jean turned his head, to avoid the last rays of sun that were disappearing, the clash of colors from the fields and trees surrounding him, and the tired army. Keeping his gaze fixed entirely on the camp of soldiers coming up slowly, he winded the reins around his left hand more securely.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi Therese!
And keep up the writing!
I don't think there is much left to say because you've had three fabulous reviews on this. I really need to stop saying I need to get here earlier and actually do it so I can write full reviews instead of really short ones. Hehe
What did I like in this one? I think we got a better description of the setting and that was something which was nice to see. And on top of that, we got to know more of Joan's past and how she was a farmer. Jean sounds like a considerate person, mentioning how farmers are people who are content to be outside and one with nature, with little demands. I do wonder a bit because he says this and I feel like Joan's next question would be, did you grow up on a farm as well? Because he speaks about farming so fondly I wouldn't be surprise if he had been working on a farm at some point in his life.
As well as this, one thing I have noticed is that it is pretty hard to determine what Jean's opinion of Joan is. I think I have briefly mentioned this in previous chapters but I am going to expand on it a bit more. What we have here is sometimes he connects with Joan and starts to respect her voices that she hears and herself as a person as well. But then we will get a new chapter and then he'll be smirking at her inner thoughts which are visible outward and complaining about how much merit she gives her voices. I don't think that's right because we first get the impression he is getting along with Joan and then we get the opposite. It ties in with the emotions thing that Blue mentions, but you really need to make it clear which side he is on. And then you have to stick to that side and show us it gradually as well.
When I string this story altogether like it would be in your document, you must know that they have spent a lot of time talking and riding out in the country. Aside from the witch hunt interruption that was quickly dispelled, there hasn't been much to bar their way or stop them on the journey. I believe I previously mentioned them wanting to get there quickly. But now I think you need to put more tension or suspense in there. Not necessarily from a great disaster on their trip - but just something. It could be an argument that leads to relationship tension, or a new character blocking their path. Either way, something to increase tension and suspense would be much appreciated.
I don't think there is much more to mention aside from what has already been said! Make sure to keep me updated, as always
Deanie x
hehe, something to build up tension... I'll find something
weirdgood! I might try a new character, as there's a pretty cool character that I want to use. Hehehe, he's cool in the history books too!Yeah, I'm having a hard time finding a way to get Jean's opinion of Joan constant. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to think over and work on! xD Let's hope my next chapter does it a little.
Thank you so much for the awesome review Livvy!
So the main thing that bothered me in this chapter was the characters' emotions. I think they've kind of been bothering me in general, but like more in this chapter. The problem is that I can't get a good read on either Jean or Joan--the viewpoint character and the, you could say, main character. One minute, Joan is as excited as a child about the sight of Blois; the next she's crying because people usually think lowly of farmers, but she's also smiling, maybe at the thought of her family? And then the next minute, she's imparting deep wisdom of some sort. I guess I could attribute all that to her voices--but then Jean is the same way a lot of the time. His moods don't swing quite as much--at least not to such extremes as clapping like an excited toddler one moment and crying the next--but he'll be smiling at Joan's excitement or what have you one moment and then pouting like a child the next because she won't tell him about her Voices' instructions in detail...even though, come on. I mean, for one thing, he's just joined her, so why would she tell him her every plan in excruciating detail? For another, if it's God's voice she's hearing then wouldn't he expect God to have a plan that would include when it's right to tell other people about it?
I mean, I understand that Joan and her leadership are not at all the kind of army experience that Jean is used to, but...even so. It would be nice to see a bit more consistency from him--either not warming up to her so much/still thinking thoughts about "geez, she won't even tell me her plans, well, what else would you expect from a woman leading an army" or more consistently warming up to her without feeling so resentful at odd moments.
Now, obviously I don't know all about the history surrounding these two or their relationship--only the most basic things. But from the perspective of a reader, it would just be nice to get a better feel for these two characters.
The description was better this time, though. And there were fewer of those too-detailed character actions that were annoying me last time, so good job with that
Blue
ahhh, constant character emotions throughout, and try and make sure the reader gets a good feel of their character throughout the entire thing. Gee, I need to work on that. xD
Yeah, I'm working on Jean's character especially right now, but I can't ever make up my mind which way he's going to act at a certain moment. Well, I guess I'll work on that a bit more, as I see it's becoming a problem.
Thanks for the awesome reviews Blue!
What can help is just, like, finish the draft so you've got it all down on paper. Then, when you're ready to revise, go back and try to get a better handle on your characters. What are their motivations? Why do they feel the ways they do?
I had to do this for one particular character in TBM, so that's the best advice I've got for now.
Yeah, that's exactly what timmy told me! He said no revising or anything, and to just get it all out on paper first off. Yerp, I'm doing it. Thanks!
Timmy here!
So we aren't in Blois yet, eh? That is okay, I think. Except for one thing: This chapter seems like it should be merely an extension of the last, because it really tells the same part of the story - the first sighting of Blois. If you go by technicalities, the first sighting was of the tower in the last chapter, and since they are still not in the city, perhaps there is a way you could mold these together in the final draft? It would make more sense that way, because this didn't seem like its own scene (One chapter per scene, no matter how long), but more like just the rest of the last chapter's scene. I dunno. Perhaps you can make sense of what I just said, and apply it where useful.
As far as your descriptions go, they were short and sweet. I think we will need more description of Blois eventually - but not now. No, right now we have just the right amount of images in our head, and just enough to keep a good picture for where they are and stuff, but not too much to break the story up and make the focus imagery... which so far does not seem to be the focus of your story, but more like only using description where necessary, and not clogging it up with useless adjectives. Dialogue and thought seems to be the main point of this novel, as well as being your strongest point, I think, so far in this. Your dialogue is good, but your character's reactions (which is a type of description, I suppose? But also has a lot to do with the dialogue. Makes or breaks it.) are very realistic and very visual, adding a lot to the conversations they have.
The she sat there bit didn't make much sense to me, because there isn't much else she can do. The girl is sitting on a horse... Is the reader expecting her to be doing cartwheels or juggling? Sitting there is a given. Allow us to fill in the blanks with things like that, and use your precious words for what is truly important. So more about the house plodded along, or such? Or just cut things like that out. Stuff that is given, unnecessary words, etc...
exclude that sabotaging comma.
This was strange, because it almost seemed to imply that he had his eyes closed before, which is entirely ridiculous, but seems like what was happening... His eyes are open, right?
When describing things, try to use as few adverbs as possible, and remember that the road to hell is paved with adverbs. Every writer has a few adverbs in their arsenal. There are times when they are definitely needed, but when you can exclude them from the game... DO IT. So in this case, shone blazingly could have been reduced to blazed without a hitch, I think. Look at it and see what you think. It seems to say the same thing, and as powerfully, just more concise.
Another sabotaging comma there that shouldn't be!
May I reconstruct this sentence of wordiness and awkwardly phrasedness? (so a word!)
There! Eliminated two commas and unneeded words. *Bows* Thank you so much for your applause.
Well, what did he see? He focused on it... so tell us what he saw there! A lot of people have been on the road before him, so maybe something you can comment on there? Him marveling for a moment - not as a Marvel character, mind you, just marveling.
*he wound
That is it for nitpicks! I am really loving this now, and the parts I mentioned in the previous chapters about their personality and character being somewhat vague in many places and also their character flipping about? Fuhgetaboutit. You are doing a lovely job now with both of their personalities, I think, giving us a true and constant representation of who they are. Great job.
Looking forward to chapter ten!
~Darth Timmyjake
hehe, the road to hell is paved with adverbs? But I can see what you mean by that. xD Might be a good idea for me to keep that in mind in the future. Or I might get a hugely long review again.
Sabotaging commas... *applauds her big brother*
Oh, I see what you mean by describing what he sees at this part! I'll do that next time. And yeah, I was reading it over last night actually and I thought maybe I could put the two chapters together, but I wasn't quite sure, but now I see that you think so too. I'll put them together in the next draft. Thanks Timmy!
Hey, Therese! Your cousin here to review!
So... I'm going to take the reigns so-to-speak and go right into it. A beautiful chapter, I must say. I really enjoyed reading it. I think it is a real insight into Jean's character. You do focus a lot on him in this chapter, which is nice, as you have balanced it out in the other chapters. I think it is good when you lean towards one character more in the odd chapter or two, it shows a "new layer" to the character. I liked that. It is really interesting to hear about his background. I feel like I know him a little bit more now.
This is meant to be "too".
This could be so much simpler, my dear. Why not put something like: "His eyes partially opened at the sudden change in the conversation, but he knew that it was too late to interrupt and put a stop to it."? It would be quite a bit easier to read
"a sense of peace" doesn't sound quite right. Why not put: "are usually more peaceful"?
"at the now"? Hmmm... I don't think that sounds right. Maybe just take out the "now".
I don't think the comma is needed. Plus, seeing as this is a list, "and" before "trees" is not needed.
Hope this helped, my dear ~
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Augghhh, why must you be sooo awesome, m'dear?!?!?!? xD Thanks hon. Yesh, I will fix all those nitpicks in the next draft. Hehehe, you really point out a ton of stuff. Thank you soooo much!
Aww shucks! Give over, Therese! You're awesome <3
You're welcomeeeee ~
Gah I can never review anything before you, Traunt XD
hehehehehe
Oh, Writer! xD
Oh, Writer! xD