Authors note: Any corrections on anything, even if its awkward word choice, would be much appreciated. Also, I’m trying to make Joan seem very human and real, so if I get that wrong at all, or you think I need to improve on it, please tell me! I’ll go right in and work on it. Anyway, I’m also trying to make it seem like Jean is warming up to Joan, and starting to believe in her, but isn’t sure why he is. If you don’t get the feeling that he is warming up to her, then I’d really appreciate, if you told me. This is part one of Chapter 4. Thanks guys!
Joan turned pale, and carefully pulled on the reins of her horse. “What is it then?” she asked fearfully.
Jean shook his head. This girl never ceased to amaze him. Brave one moment, and frightened the next. And not too proud to show it.
“I want a full halt ordered,” he said. “Immediately!”
He turned to a squire-the one whose horse was impatiently prancing about. “You,” he barked. “Find four men, and send them up ahead. I want a detailed reporting of what’s going on.”
The squire nodded. “Yes sir,” he answered. He turned his horse and galloped off sending a cloud of dust up in the air, and into their faces.
“His name is Raymond,” Joan said, trying to choke off the dust. A splotch of dirt was smeared across her cheek, giving her a grimy look.
Jean turned and stared at her. “What?!”
She looked back at him evenly. “I said his name is Raymond. You should call him by it.”
His jaw dropped and he stared at her. She wants me to know everybody’s names, when I’m in the process of figuring out what’s going on up ahead! Well…she’s going to figure out that this is war.
Jean shook his head. “I’m too busy for that right now. If I don’t make sure everything is done quickly, then we could pay with lives.”
She glared at him, angrily twisting the reins in her hands. “I think you should-“
“Not right now!” Jean snapped. I’m don’t want to be rude, he thought. Or disrespectful towards her, but I can’t argue right now. There are too many lives at stake.
Joan stared at him speechless. By her expression he knew she hadn’t expected him to snap at her like that. He stared back, his mouth twitching nervously.
His entire life he had been trained to focus on the main picture. On whatever was the most important at the moment. And that main picture right now, was to get the Maid safely to Orleans. With or without her co-operation, he would do it.
He didn’t think she was trying to not co-operate. She’s just not used to the ways of war is all, he thought wryly. She was raised on a farm, and is used to showing respect to everyone, regardless of their stature in life. Well… let’s hope she warms up to the idea of war and how things work in it really soon, or this campaign isn’t going to go to well.
He rode slightly forward, so that he stood in front of the entire army and tried to see down the road. The entire road was shaded with trees, and covered in leaves. Not good when trying to keep it quiet, he thought. Although, an army passing through is never quiet, so nothing big there.
The wind was starting to blow, whisking his shoulder length hair into his eyes and nose, causing him to cough. This wind could be helpful, as long as we move in the right direction, he mused. Let’s hope the English have no bloodhounds.
As the thought ran through his head, four riders thundered past them. Looking back over his shoulder he could see the entire army had stopped at a full halt due to his command. Probably Sier de Goucourt’s doing when he heard me.
The sound of mail clanking and horses stomping their feet filled his ears, as he watched the army mill nervously about. He could sense the men’s eyes on him, as he swung off his horse, and led it back to stand besides Joan’s.
Her black mare danced lightly with nervousness as she bit her lip uneasily. She stared up ahead at the road, straining her eyes so she could maybe see around the corner, to where the four riders had gone. Jean craned his neck also to see, but nothing was there. Just a cloud of leftover dust from their passage.
“You might want to dismount and take a break for a while,” Jean said, not looking at her. When he received no answer, he moved his eyes over to her.
Her hands were clasped carefully as in prayer, and at looking up at her face, he could see that her eyes were now closed and her lips were moving.
Not a bad idea, really, he thought. He bowed his head and began to recite the Hail Mary, trying to ignore the crowd of men clambering about him. Even the horses were stomping their feet, and snorting impatiently.
After praying for a few moments he lifted his head and took a deep breath of air. Something didn’t smell right to him. He could just taste the air; it was foul. Maybe there’s a carcass of an animal nearby.
“Is something wrong?” Joan asked.
Jean looked up, to see she was studying him, her eyebrows raised.
“I’m not entirely sure, “Jean replied. “I doubt it’s a hare or even a stag hunt. There usually aren’t that kind of animal in this area.”
He frowned and shook his head in frustration. “The only other two things that it could really be is-“he stopped and bit his lip.
“Yes?” Joan prodded.
Jean sighed, “The most likely candidate would be Burgandian’s or the English. Due to the latest reports, they are scouting the country side daily. The other… well, it could also be a witch hunt.”
“Are we stopping because of the witch hunt, or the English?” Joan asked.
“Mostly the English,” he said. “But a witch hunt is not good news either.”
“You mean the witches will cast a spell on us?”
“Yes, and not to mention the hunters may be English spies.”
Jean looked towards the road to see the four riders coming back. “We’re about to find out now, but you’re going to need to talk to your fancy Voices, if the generals are called to make a decision to change course.”
Joan’s skin turned pale and her grey eyes darkened to almost black, but she smiled calmly. “I’ll ask them.”
Jean swung back up on his horse, and grinned at her. “You do that. And while you’re at it, tell them that I almost half-way believe in them.”
“What of Sier de Goucourt? He will want to know your plans…”she said. “And the Archbishop?”
“They will know soon enough. If I’m right in either one, then you will need to decide what to do, along with them both.”
“I will have to ask my Voices,” she said, frowning worriedly.
“I hope they answer, “she muttered as he turned away.
Crossing through the mass of riders and foot soldiers took longer than he expected, but he finally got to where Sier de Goucourt was.
The tall Frenchman was standing, leaning up against his horse, with a map spread across the saddle. After raising his hand to acknowledge Jean’s presence, he turned back to his poring over the map.
“So is there any way we can swerve around this part in the route?” Jean asked.
Goucourt scowled, and shook his head. “Difficult to say really. But judging from it all, I’d say no. We wouldn’t be able to get the entire army through this mess of forests without a major break in the line or at least a loss of men from English attacks.”
He sighed, “I hate to say it, but we really have no choice but to stick to this road.”
Just what I was worried about, Jean thought. Well, maybe the scouts will bring back some hopefully good news.
“Thank you Sier de Goucourt,” he replied.
One of the riders swung up beside Jean, and from the way his horse was panting, he could tell that it had been a hard and fast run. “What did you find?” he asked. His hands gripped the reins nervously as he waited for the answer.
The rider frowned, “It was difficult to tell, sir. But we found the source of the horns. It was a witch hunt, but we are uncertain if they caught what they were after or not. The northern bank of the river was completely overrun with peasants; it was difficult to see what they were doing or planning through the mass of them.”
“Are they still there?” Jean asked. It might not be as bad as I thought it would.
“No sir,” the rider answered. He reached up and yanked down his cap that was starting to move in the wind. “They were moving as we rode up, and were gone within a few minutes.”
“That’s good, “Jean breathed. “We can’t get an entire army through a mass of peasants trying to get at some old hag.”
One more thing came to his mind, and he stopped. “Were they French or English peasants?”
“French sir,” the soldier answered. “They at least looked it from a distant. Sir, I really think we should ask the Maid, on what to do next…”
Jean snapped his head around and stared at the soldier. “That is my business. You are to follow my orders without question.” He bit his lip in irritation. It seemed like he was being short and rude with everyone today! “I thank you for your service and advice. You may report back to your commander.”
The soldier nodded his head, and slowly rode off; kicking dust into Jean’s face, once again. He knew the morale of the men was low, but a common soldier trying to tell him what he thought should be done, was just plain senseless. Of course the soldier did have a point in what he said…he would ask the Maid about it. She was after all the titular commander in the army. But he wasn’t about to let a foot soldier suggest it to him.
“Sir Jean?” Joan’s soft voice said. “What are you planning on doing?”
He gently prodded his horse into turning around and faced her. He frowned worriedly. “If what the scouts say is true, then it should be simpler to just go on ahead with what we are doing. We should just continue.”
“And if they aren’t accurate?” she asked.
He sighed, “Then we would run the risk of jeopardizing the entire campaign. But this is your decision. Sier de Goucourt and I cannot make it for you. Ask your voices, and ask yourself.”
Joan’s face turned white. So white, he thought she was going to faint. “They aren’t answering,” she whispered. “They won’t talk to me!” Her eyes began to well up in tears, and started to run down her face.
Jean stopped aghast. He had never even really thought of her as a girl who would cry. He knew women cried when upset, but he still hadn’t been expecting this. She had just seemed too hard to him.
He rode his horse slowly up towards hers, till he was directly beside her. He grabbed her saddle horn. “Listen Miss, “he said sternly. “ I came because the Dauphin sent for me to be your Squire. I was told that you were sent by God to rid the land of the English! Crying when your Voices didn’t answer isn’t going to fix the situation.”
“You don’t understand,” Jean whispered, wiping her eyes. “If I make the wrong decision, then I could jeopardize all of France. Everything that God wanted me to accomplish for him would be all for nothing!”
“Joan, “Jean quietly answered, not realizing that for the first time he had actually used her name. “I don’t know if your Voices are real or not. I don’t know if you are really sent from God.”
He paused and bit his lip, searching for the right words. Finding them he continued. “But what I do know is that you are here. And like it or not, you are in charge! You can’t just cry over this, and expect it to go away. When you need to get something done, then go out and do it!”
Joan stopped wiping her eyes and stared at him her lips slightly parted. “You sound almost like my Voices,” she said. “Before I went to Chinon, they always asked me why I tarried so long at home, and why I didn’t just go and do it. Like God had commanded.”
Jean smiled and removed his hand from her saddle horn. “Your Voices are right. Now go make a decision about it. I’m only here to protect you, and offer advice when I feel it’s needed. I’m not here to make your decisions for you.”
She took a deep breath and climbed off her horse. “I will make it,” she said calmly. “I will go and find Sier de Goucourt and talk it over with him.”
Jean let out a deep breath of air that he had inhaled earlier. I don’t know why I’m encouraging this… he wondered to himself. I shouldn’t be helping her!
Growling in frustration to himself, he climbed off as well, and led his horse over to where Jean was now standing. She was talking to Sier de Goucourt quietly, but he could tell from her stance that she was obviously frustrated.
“What do you mean there has to be a pause now?!” he heard. He almost felt inclined to smirk, as Goucourt looked decisively uncomfortable.
“Joan, we still need to map out everything!” was Goucourt’s desperate reply.
“What’s to map out?!” was her hot answer. “There is a road. You know the way to Blois already. We don’t need to map it out! We are just wasting time now!”
“But Joan-“Goucourt started, his voice starting to take on a pleading tone.
“NO,” Joan answered calmly. “We are starting back up again immediately.”
Leaving Goucourt standing there holding his map, Joan turned her back on him and climbed onto her horse. She rode towards Jean, her horse every now and then stumbling over the small rocks lying in the road.
She raised her eyebrows at him in a questioning way. “So, how’d I do?”
Jean grinned. “Not bad. Of course you’re going to have a much harder time with the generals once you reach Blois. Especially one in particular.”
“Who’s that?”
“Never you mind who,” he answered. “You’ll know when we get there.”
“Why are you helping me now?” she asked, riding forward even more, too where they were just inches from each other.
Jean shook his head. “Don’t ask me that,” he replied. “I don’t even know the answer.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I don't have anything else that haven't been said already. *sorry*
hehe, that's okaay. I love how you're reading through my chapters. <3
I'm pretty slow...>_>. I'm working on the review for chapter five though.
Hi there!
How awesome is the part I underlined?? Very awesome, that's how awesome. It really gives us a good look into Joan's personality. She's a tough girl, but she can be scared as well. No one is perfect and Joan is no exception. However, I feel like this would've worked well without italics. When you're writing in third person, you have the liberty of getting into each of the characters's minds. With that, you can convey their thoughts without specifically mentioning that it's a thought. In other words, you don't have to have Jean think this. It can just be part of the narration. I always have a hard time deciding whether to make a thought or just write as part of the narration myself. In all honesty, I think it's up to personal preference.
These two paragraphs can be combined to create one. I think I mentioned this to you in a previous review so I'll just leave it at that. Remember, it's the dialogue continued. You don't have to break paragraphs for that.
This is such a great chapter. Whenever I read a novel, I always get involved with the characters. If I don't like the character relationships or care how they develop, there's no point. Lucky for you, you've got great characters
One tiny thing that does bother me a bit though is how Joan talks about these Voices. I'm guessing that these voices are from angels and/or God, yes? So they're rather important. But she seems to almost... bitter when they don't respond. If she truly believed, which I know she does with all her heart, then wouldn't she be a little more patient with the voices? I can understand that she might falter a bit in her believing, but after reading through this chapter I get the impression that she doesn't believe in the voices at all. Which I know is totally not the case.
Right... I hope you actually understood what I said in that paragraph ><
Well, that's it for me for this review. Everyone else had given you such good reviews which leaves me with not much to say. I quite enjoyed this chapter because of all the focus on your characters. The plot is still moving forward, but there's so much focus on characters as well. I love it <3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Ohh, yes! I totally get what you mean in that paragraph! The voices are from God, and she believes in them so yeah... she shouldn't be acting bitter. Yeah, I got that. I will fix that in the final edit. Thank you soo much for adopting my novel! It truly means a lot to me! <333333333333333333333
Hey there Therese!
Anyways, you've had some really fab reviews done on this chapter already, which leaves me with hardly anything to say. But I will try to chip in my own little contribution.
Sorry I couldn't make it here yesterday, but I am here now. Better late than never right?
I like how you're portraying Joan. As an emotional and afraid girl who is capable of showing it, and relies on the Voices in her head. And yet she is still a brave and strong woman, because to be able to get this far and be of her gender must've been a tough one to face. I hope this all works out for her. I'm glad Jean has had a change of heart and has decided to help her out a bit after all. I mean, that's probably why he was elected tobe her Squire as well. As soon as she shows a little vulnerability, he immediately feels the impulse to protect her.
This is a little pet peeve of mine that I've noticed a lot of YWSers doing quite often. It's the ellipsis. You need to have a space after the three dots, otherwise you are linking these two words together, and that isn't right. It doesn't work technically. You did make this mistake a few other times in the chapter as well, so make sure you fix it. They all need spaces! Watch out for this while writing future chapters as well.
Why? Because it's his job of course! Why else? Maybe have Jean say, because it's my job, but have him thinking that he doesn't really know? Or have Joan say, why are you helping me? It didn't seem like you were going to help me any before... But this question alone seems to have a pretty obvious answer.
I hope this review helped! As always, let me know when you post more. I am always happy to read :')
Deanie x
Thanks for the review Livvy! I'll fix everything.
Your reviews. O.O So ... good...
The ellipsis-spaces issue has always kinda befuddled me because I keep hearing different things from different people. I searched it up a while ago and it depends on where it's placed. It wasn't clear, though. Said if it's in the middle of a sentence, you need a space before and after, and that in published works, there are technically no spaces at all.
Just curious, is this right? It's been bugging me for a while, what the correct form actually is.
Hope I didn't bother you. ^_^
The thing about a space at the beginning and end, I am not sure about it. I think that is more stylistic choice.
But I do know that at the very least there needs to be a space afterwards if words follow directly afterwards, because then you're joining the two words together.
Goldflame, you could never both me
Thanks! That makes sense.
Hey sis!
Now usually I don't review your works, and it's because I always am subjected to reading them before you post them, anyway. xD But I think with this work, even though it has already been thoroughly reviewed by Goldflame, will get a review from me.
The work demands it.
I thought this piece had a large character development arc in it. From the beginning, where it is obvious that not only does Jean not have faith in her, but he doesn't even seem to like her. And not just that she is a naïve country girl with no experience, but that she is in charge over the entire army--and that includes over him. As far as her character, I don't think there was that much development until the last bit, where she has to take command. When her voices are no longer speaking to her, almost seeming to ignore her requests and shut their ears off to her. Jean doesn't seem to believe in her voices, and scoffs at her, and I think that the only reason he told her to ask her voices was to get her to shut up. xD But he changed. Throughout the piece, his idea of her changed. Noo... More like, evolved. He doubted in the beginning, but still had a faint belief in her. If he was absolutely against her, he would have refused his commander's request, I think.
Silly nitpick, but I think "report" would suit this sentence better than "reporting"
As a general rule, try to avoid putting two marks of punctuation at the closure of a sentence. Here, it could have been avoided by simply leaving out the question mark. The "what" already implies that it was a question, so the exclamation mark merely tells the reader that he either yelled it or asked the question emphatically.
Comma after "expression"
Nope. I thought about this for a second, and came up with that it wouldn't work this way... At least, I think so. Why would he cough from having hair in his mouth. He might sneeze if the hair tickled his nose, but coughing seems unnatural for merely hair.
"aren't" should be "isn't", I think.
This wasn't a good enough transition of his attitude towards that soldier. Which before was harsh and abrupt, but turned kind towards the end and thankful. I think you should have a transition, where he has some interior thought, and realizes that he is just being an awfully big jerk.
Period after "sighed", not comma.
Meh. I would say take out the exclamation marks, unless you are trying to put your reader under the impression that Jean is yelling at Joan or something. The exclamation marks imply that he is yelling, which I don't think he would be doing if trying to encourage her.
Double sentence endings again. I would suggest taking out the question mark again, leaving the exclamation mark behind.
I think that should be one sentence, the first just flowing smoothly into the second.
You have a powerful, descriptive sentence here, but you sorta ruined the affect somewhat with weak words--words that didn't really add anything to your sentence. I would suggest pulling out the bolded words.
To me, with this ending sentence, I had a feeling of--Uhoh, they are starting to like each other. But I know that you aren't trying to implant that image in our heads. He is starting to believe in her, but not starting to get a crush on her. His emotions are still conflicting, and he is having a hard time looking past what she believes her mission is to her personality, and herself. I think her moment of weakness, and then her triumph(with his help) helped Jean to see her for her personality and character, rather than what her duty was and her beliefs.
I think that this novel is really building as we go along. Starting off in complete doubt, and almost spite, but now working his way to trust, and in the end, most likely with him following her into battle. I am just going to love when he fully submits to the truth and accepts it. That will be a very powerful scene.
I don't think I can add anything to what Goldy said about your work. The flow, the dialogue, description. Everything flowed so beautifully. You shouldn't doubt yourself as you do.
Keep going, and tag me with the next one, for Pete's sake! Just cuz I am your brother doesn't mean I shouldn't review.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thank you Timmy...I shall make you review it next time!
Hi, Therese!
GoldFlame pointed most of the nitpicks out, but I'm going to point a couple more out and of I accidently point the same one out then oops. :3
GoldFlame pointed this out with another sentence, but yeah, I would suggest clipping the comma after "air". It isn't nessacary, but I would suggest it.
"Entire" is kinda repetitive here, with entire army and entire road.
I think you should clip the comma after "now". With the comma there it just adds a break that isn't needed.
If she answering calmly, I don't see why "No" needs to be all caps.
Done with nitpicks!
Great chapter. It was lengthy, but it was good.
And yes, I could tell Jean was totally warming up and believing in Joan more! At first I thought you meant warming up as in starting to like her.. xD
Anyways~ I like the historical events in it, and I like how you're writing historical fiction. Not many people on here do, but you are and that's great!
This is sort of like a small nitpick, but if it's Chapter 4 part 1, you might want to point that out in your title, just so there's no mix-up.
Great job, though, keep writing!
WillowPaw1~
Hey, thanks for the review!! I'll fix everything!
You're welcome
Heya, Therese!
Grammar first, then miscellaneous, then praise, hopefully in that order.
Since "and" is serving as a coordinating conjunction, I can already assume there's an independent clause somewhere near it. I can also assume there's two because ... the comma. But donning magnifying glasses, there's one independent clause, one dependent clause. Why the comma? A stylistic choice? If so, consider the depth of its effect.
I'd recommend removing it, but that's just an opinion. Another thing: "Joan turned pale." Kinda bland. It's also a golden opportunity to insert description, like describing her face, her emotions, her thoughts: fusing them, even.
Comma before "then." Parenthetical expression.
The hyphen's being overworked. Try squaring it: two hyphens, typed consecutively. Programs like Word automatically correct that to — .
Comma before "sir."
There's nothing wrong with either of the sentences, but used in such close conjunction, I'd recommend altering one of the two. Or you could just abridge the second: "His jaw dropped." It might sound cleaner and less vague. "His jaw unhinged," even. Just play around a bit. (Quick note: A comma should precede "and." See link at the top.)
Same case here.
I think the narrator accidently included another verb.
That comma's tempting, but speaking grammatically, it's not necessary. I'd recommend removing it, plus maybe the preposition after "was," like so: "And that main picture right now was getting the Maid safely to Orleans."
This sounds a little clunky. Might be better as "He didn't think she wasn't trying to cooperate," although the double negatives ... hm. Play around a bit, I guess.
Up until currently, there've been no spaces preceding/ensuing ellipses. That's fine; just check that you remain consistent. The ideal picture's "Well...let's hope," but with the Internet, things have shaped themselves into "Well... let's hope," and now the correct version's actually "Well ... let's hope." Take your pick. ^_^
I received a really vivid image here. But "filled" ... meh. It's an ambiguous verb. Like "put." There're so many juicy synonyms! That comma's unnecessary, as well, because "as" isn't being used as a coordinating conjunction.
The adverbs line up uncomfortably well. I'd recommend clipping one of the two or just rephrasing things because "danced lightly with nervousness" sounds vague.
M-dash here. There should also be a space after the quotation mark, and "he" should be capitalized. A few more like this throughout the piece, but that'll be mended when you're rereading it.
No comma necessary.
Opposite case here. Comma before "Sier."
Remove one "o" from "too."
Wow. It's amazing seeing how much you've improved since Mountain of Terror because this was ... perfect, really. When you summoned me, and I read, I was like, How am I going to review? I don't have any comments concerning pacing, fluency, description, punctuation, and characterization, besides that the pacing was well-measured, the fluency flawless, the description clean and vivid, the punctuation fantastic, save the occasional slip-up, and the characters fleshing out beautifully. My eyes were glued to the screen. I'm not sugarcoating, either.
I like Joan. I know little about her, so I went into this not knowing what to expect. It's easy falling into traps with characters assuming leadership roles, but she's unique, and I admire that. Her relationship with Jean's also interesting. Like a hate-love thing: Sherlock and Moriarty, but milder.
Things look great so far, but a word of caution: don't let all that hate evaporate. Let it keep seeping through, even if he's warming up to her. Doubt defines the exposition.
The internal dialogue's also perfect. Just well-placed, and it's necessary, too: sometimes you see dialogue that isn't necessary and would function better woven throughout the narration, but that wasn't the case here. Fantastic job.
Keep it up! Looking forward to more! I'm really glad you PMed me.
Thanks for the review Goldflame! I'll work on everything that you've pointed out!
you're such a grammar nazi!Thanks again!No problem! Haha, I'm more of a logical thinker than a writer.
*gasp* I just read over your review again...and I noticed you remembered Mountain of Terror!! Forget that work Goldflame!! I can't bear the shame of it!