The April sun shone brightly down on them, as they rode down the road. His body swayed gently to the movement of the horse, and he pulled slightly on the reins slowing the chestnut stallion. Jean stared at the road ahead, and let his sub conscious take in the surroundings, trying to not let his mind wander. Although he tried to avoid the train of thought, he kept constantly finding himself turning his thoughts to the girl riding beside him.
Her short black hair was blowing in the wind, and swirling around her face. Although he knew she couldn’t possibly have been taught to ride a horse from her native village, he found himself doubting it. She rode like she had been born in the saddle. Better than most squires, he thought. I wonder if maybe she was taught by someone in Vaucouleurs, or Chinon…I’ve never seen the-
His thought was cut off by her voice, “Have you ever been to Orleans?”
Jean turned his head and looked at her warily, “Just once,” he replied. “The Dauphin sent me there, to settle a matter for him. I didn’t actually explore the city though.”
Joan’s face fell. “Oh, my mother told me that everyone always said it’s almost as beautiful as Rome. But she said she didn’t believe it. She always made it clear to me that Rome is too beautiful to be compared to Orleans.”
Jean laughed, “Your mother has been to Rome?”
“Yes,” Joan said. “She is called Isabelle ‘Romee’ by the local villagers.”
“Isabelle who-has-been-to-Rome,” Jean quietly translated.
“She did a pilgrimage to it. On foot,” Joan said, pride showing through her voice at her mother’s achievement.
Jean smiled, “that is no easy feat. Your mother must be made out of hard stuff.” Doing a pilgrimage isn’t something for the weak of body, or mind, he thought wryly. Not many women could do that.
Joan grimaced and looked back at the road. “My father isn’t quite made out of the same materiel as my mother. He had a dream before I left for Vaucouleurs, about me joining the men in the army.”
A sad look crossed her face and Jean caught a glimpse of tears in her eyes. “They thought I wanted to be like those harlots that followed the men, and stayed in the camps.”
To that Jean did not know what to say. True, it did sound like that, from the view of a skeptical bystander…But he could now tell from the way she spoke and acted that her intentions were strictly pure, but still wrong.
“Well, I would think that any parent would act like that under these circumstances,” he said. “This isn’t something that is considered normal.”
Joan nodded, “I understand that. The Dauphin had many theologians test me on why I had come, without being given my parents blessing. I just thought it was fine, because I’m trying to obey God, and therefore can’t be doing something wrong.”
“That’s up to God and your conscience, with wither or not it is wrong,” Jean said bluntly.
Joan smiled, and for a minute he almost thought that she might laugh. But instead she shoved her hair out of her eyes, and turned her attention back towards the road. “How soon till we arrive at Blois?” she asked, her voice all business now.
“Should be one to two days, depending on if the road holds steady,” he answered. “Hopefully your presence will go unnoticed, and we will have a safe trip.”
“Well, I hope we won’t have to hurt anybody, if someone tries to stop us,” Joan said firmly. “I hate the idea of someone being in pain.”
Upon hearing this Jean almost fell off his horse. She hates the idea of someone in pain? He thought absolutely astonished. Nobody likes seeing pain, but hearing it said so bluntly from a girl who volunteered to go to war is just-
“Your face tells me that you think that is strange,” she said interrupting his thoughts.
“N-no,” he stuttered, startled. “I just find it, well…yes; strange that somebody who hates pain and suffering would go through such lengths to be in a war.”
She grimaced, “I will do what is necessary. But I still hope I don’t have to kill anyone.”
“In war, there is usually always the case where you have to kill someone,” he replied.
Joan shook her head, violently from side to side. “I am going to rally the troops, and win France back for God. But I pray to God that I don’t have to kill anyone while doing so!”
Jean nodded, understanding somewhat of what she was trying to say. But he knew that in battle, there is never a time that you could lay aside your sword, and then trust that you won’t die. It just wasn’t possible in his mind.
Turning his head, he looked behind them and watched the steady line of men falling behind in an endless train that kept going until it disappeared behind the bend. His dark blue eyes watched the ever moving legs of the horses and they brought his attention to the steady clip-clopping of their hooves.
On the other side of Joan rode two young men. Jean could only guess from their livery that they were her squires.
“What exactly are your plans when you arrive at Blois?”
Joan smiled, “I don’t know,” she answered calmly.
“What?”
“My Voices will tell me, when the time is right, “she said. “I don’t need to worry about it right now. As long as they are with me, I’m sure nothing will go wrong.”
Jean looked down, and stared at his saddle. “Things always go wrong in battle.”
He turned his head, and looked her right in the eye. “No matter what, something will go wrong. There is always a flaw in the strategy, or you’ll be outnumbered. There’s always something. You can’t just rely on your Voices.”
Joan’s grey eyes hardened as she looked right back at him. “There won’t be a flaw in a strategy made thru God. It’s not possible.”
Jean shook his head in frustration. “You don’t understand what I’m saying! What I mean is you can’t just rely on your Voices, to get the job done. You will need to rely on your generals and soldiers as well.”
Joan frowned and turned away. “Maybe,” she muttered. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Perhaps—”
A sound interrupted him, and he jerked his head towards the forest from where it had come. “Did you hear that?” he exclaimed.
“It sounds like horns, “Joan said her eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe a hunt?”
Jean grimaced, “Not likely. At least not the kind of hunt you are thinking of.”
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
You know, this is one of the toughest reviews I've written in a long long time, partially due to how many reviews you've already received and the standard of your writing. This review will be rather short, but here goes.
I'm picking out the small things here, why warily? Is there any reason for him to look at her that way, your previous paragraphs didn't suggest any of that.
I know you're writing this in modern language, but 'hard stuff'? Therese, c'mon. You can find better words than that.
Therese, Therese, Therese, watch your word choices.Wryly isn't used in that way, wryly defined by Dictionary.com (which is a more reliable source than me) says the following:
produced by a distortion or lopsidedness of the facial features:
abnormally bent or turned to one side; twisted; crooked:
devious in course or purpose; misdirected.
contrary; perverse.
distorted or perverted, as in meaning.
bitterly or disdainfully ironic or amusing:
a wry remark.
In any case, the situation there doesn't fit into any of those. So, I'd replace that wryly with another word.
'wither' should be whether here.
So, I'm focusing on the really minute details here. In here, I think you can expand Jean's thoughts a bit more. Maybe even a word or two on the tone of his voice to suggest how he voiced that opinion would give the readers helpful insight into Jean's opinion on this war.
Omit the first comma, a pause isn't needed. If you're not sure, read it aloud and you will see. If you still think it's needed, by all means, go ahead.
See the highlighted part, seems familiar? It is a very cliche way to describe long lines of people, or really anything. I believe I don't need to go through why cliches don't work in stories with you. So, I'd avoid any use of cliches. If you want to describe something, I believe that you can come up something more unique than 'an endless train' to describe it. Alright? Alright.
I think Noelle touched on this point as well, this is the second time I'm reading your chapter so the voices didn't strike me as that odd as it did when I first read it. But suddenly popping Voices in there gives the readers a sudden jolt. Imagine you're walking down the street, and a talking chicken comes up to you and offers you a pie. You would obviously step back, and re-think about the situation. Do that in writing, and you risk loosing the suspension of disbelief. So, if you're going to use the Voices (I get what you mean). Maybe foreshadow it, or explain it a bit so it doesn't jar out that much.
Omit the comma, no need for a pause. Also, 'to get the job done' is a really casual phrase. I know not all of your language is archaic or anything. But, 'get the job' is really twenty-first century, and somewhat slang-ish as well. In contrast to the era and mood, is really strange. So, maybe avoid the usage of slang in writing?
A 'sound' is not very specific, is also too generic. What type of sound is it, you could use this to foreshadow whatever is coming next instead of saying a sound. Is it the sound of an arrow, animal hooves? Anything.
Ok, so in here. Jean obviously knows or at least have some clue as to what that sound is. So, it wouldn't hurt to foreshadow it earlier, eh? See the connection,
[b]Content:
So, Deanie's already mentioned this. I'm going mention it a bit more, this chapter was something like a filler for me. I know it's mean and harsh for me to say this, but apart from the character development (nice job) there isn't really any major plot development here. So, I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say in this chapter. I know you're transporting them from one place to the other, but is there any need for an entire chapter? Yes, we got to know Jean and Joan a bit better but their development was a bit too quickly. Because in the previous chapter, Jean's attitude was pretty cool towards him. I mean is not exactly unrealistic, but is also a bit too fast. And as Deanie mentioned, what happened to the rest of the troop? O_O
There are a lot of background information here, but I have no doubts that those can inserted here and there along other chapters. Overall, the pace of the chapter was alright. It flowed well, even if it was a tag slow in places. However, I think you should aim to get in some more description in. There's a lot of talking, some telling but not enough showing. Therese. They're travelling in the countryside right, it would be great if you could describe what it looks like, to help us visualize the setting. Because right now, I have no idea where they are.
See that first paragraph, you could spend a sentence or two describing the flora and fauna in that area. It doesn't have to be a lot. Also, you said the subconscious mind. Because I'm a bit of a psychology nut, I will point out that perhaps the use of subconscious isn't the best word here. I know you're trying to say that Jean isn't really taking in the environment in detail. Like glossing over it. But the subconscious mind consists of already-known facts that we can't call up at the moment but is stored in our memory. Like child-hood memories, a poem we learnt in primary school things like that.
Characters:
So, I will talk about about your characters here. This is the third chapter, both Jean and Joan seems to be coming along fine. Save for the times when I forget who is who because their names are so similar. I think we're getting a lot of insight into How Joan thinks here, in this chapter. You're doing it quite well through the small details too. Such as,
You've mastered one of the best tricks to show personality, which is through dialogue. And your dialogue is well-written too. Well-placed action tags indicates that character's thoughts and personality.
Apart from Joan opening too quickly, I can't think of any other problems with your character development at the moment. But we all made mistakes when developing our characters, and that jump isn't that unrealistic. So I wouldn't worry about it.
I like what you have so far, I will be going onto the next chapter now. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.
-Flite
omg, I'm so sorry for not replying.
I didn't get a notification for this.
Thank you for the review! This is actually one of the best reviews that I've ever received. <3
I completely understand what you're talking about here, with just about everything. The nitpicks... *facepalm* Thanks for pointing those out. I can't some of those mistakes that I made.
With the chapter being a filler, yeah, I can understand why you are saying that. I think I was just trying to get something out when writing. I'm thinking that I'll go through my chapters and try and decide what is important when it comes to plot, and the like.
Again, thank you so much for reviewing my novel. I will definitely take every bit of your advice and apply it to my writing.
Hi there!
I made sure this one was the real chapter and not one you had rewritten since posting like the last one -_- I'm so unobservant.
Commas commas commas. You know something? I hate commas. Why? Because it seems like they should be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. So, getting to the reason I pulled out this chunk, you have a few commas in places they shouldn't be here. In the first sentence, you don't need a comma. That's a sentence that just flows right on by. In the second sentence, the comma should be moved to after the word 'reins'. Otherwise it seems like the reins's only job is to slow the horse and they do it constantly. Which is totally not what you were going for
There are some other places throughout the chapter that you have some commas that are in the wrong place or don't need to be there, so watch out for that when you go back and edit.
This is like, the most nitpickiest of nitpicks (at least for me :3):
These two paragraphs can be combined to make one. In this second paragraph, Joan is still talking and it's about the same subject, so there's no desperate reason to make make a new paragraph. In fact, it makes it a bit choppy. With dialogue like this I have a rule. It's a rule I made up so if it's wrong I'm sorry xD If there is two of less sentences of description between dialogue spoken by the same character, keep it in the same paragraph. Anything more than two lines takes us too far away from the dialogue and makes us feel a bit startled when the dialogue returns in that same paragraph. That's how I see it.
You should omit the word 'trying'. It makes it seem like she's less than certain of what she's doing. Now, I don't know much about her story, but any woman in that time period who would disobey her parents and take up a position in the army that no woman has ever held is 100% sure of what she's doing. Saying that she's trying to obey God makes it feel like she's only half certain. I don't know. It's just a small thing, but it means so much in the big picture. And having her clearly start that she's obeying God gives her power. Like, I've been sent from God! I have to be here. Only me. It's a greater effect.
Soooo... this makes her sound a bit crazy. Isn't there another name she can use for that? Like angels visiting her in her sleep? Or signs from God? Using the word 'voices' gives off a connotation of something that isn't really real. However, we know that it's very real.
Wow. I'm on an nitpicky and honesty streak today. Woo.
Again, you can combine these two paragraphs. It's his continuous dialogue.
*through
What I really like about this chapter is we get some good character development. Obviously you know it's important to start developing your characters as early as possible. That way we as readers can really get to know them and feel like we're reading about friends, not strangers.
Here we get our first good look at Joan and she's definitely everything I thought she would be. She knows what she's doing and knows that God will be there to lead her. Her faith really shows through here, even in the tiny, seemingly pointless banter with Jean. It's subtle, but shows us where her strength comes from.
Jean changes a bit for me in this chapter. Maybe it's just because he's with Joan now and feels that he needs to be supportive of her since they're working together. But I see him becoming less bitter about his position. This is a great change in character and it seems to have been introduced at the perfect time. There are still some times here, especially when Joan talks about the Voices, where he's skeptical of her and what she's doing. For the most part though, he's being kind to her and not pressing the issue that he thinks she shouldn't be leading men.
Like Deanie said, this chapter is your best so far. Compared to the others, this one is well written and very straightforward. The conversation flowed wonderfully and I read it with ease. Your character development is great and I can't wait to see more scenes like this between Joan and Jean. I'm sure this is the beginning of an interesting relationship.
The only thing missing from this chapter is a description of what's around them. You mention in the first paragraph that Jean lets his subconscious take in the surroundings. What exactly are those surroundings though? I, for one, am not a huge fan of reading descriptions, even though I know they're needed, but I found myself wanting for that description. Were they traveling down a road in the middle of a forest? Was the road out in the open? Speaking of the road, what was it like? Full of bumps and holes that the horses carefully avoided? Was there dirt spraying up from the bottom of the horses' shoes? I want to see more and I know you can give it to us
I'll get to the next chapter soon!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Ohh thank youu Noelle! Hehehe, those commas... to be honest about it, I think that's one of my biggest problems! But seeing your examples I think it will be quite easy for me to correct this nasty habit of mine.
Now the description of course is my main problem. When I first started writing that's something that I was constantly struggling with. I think I've improved since I wrote this chapter, but I guess you'll be judge! Thank you soo much for adopting this novel! It really means a lot to me.
Hey there Therese!
Which I am sure you already do!
At the same time that you mentioned your poem you also showed us that another chapter of this was posted! So, here I am to keep reading. Again, I apologise that I can't brush up on the history of this and check it's all correct, but more so just comment on the story. So, all I can say for the research is double check it
This chapter was by far the best of them all. It was very well written, a breeze to read and we got to learn more about Joan as well. A bit of history and how her family is taking what she is doing.
What I found a bit odd though was that she opened up that much to Jean! They only recently met and know barely anything about each other, but here she is telling him all her backstory. Maybe the conversation should go a bit like, Jean questioning why she was telling him all this, and Joan mentioning that she liked to know the people who are going to be working/fighting alongside her. (How hypocritical of her! Doesn't want to kill anyone but then again is asking all these men to kill for here! D: Meanie.) So, all I really need is just some reasoning as to why she would open up for him so much.
Also, they are riding. This generally is a great time to have some scenery or setting description in there! Nothing too much, because then it just gets dragged out and drones on and on. But I would like to be able to picture where they are and what their traveling through. Two sentences or a bit more would be sufficient. Is it an open plain, or under trees, or through a city or what? Let the reader know! Also, from the way this is written it sounds like it is Jean and Joan alone who are riding together. Realistically, there would be the full troop with them as well. So maybe mention briefly that Jean was trying to block out the background hum of voices from the soldiers, ignoring the occasional laugh or belch or whatever xD Or the armor clinking or something... Really, just something that reminds the reader other soldiers are there, and helps setting the scene a bit more.
Nitpick time!
Comma is needed after the word 'reins'.
No comma necessary in this sentence
Here you say because she wasn't trained in the village, Jean doubts something? We don't know what he is doubting by this sentence because you don't mention something specific for him to doubt. Or maybe you mean he knew she could possibly have been taught to ride in her native village, but he doubts it because she seems to be born in a saddle? That would make more sense. Choose which one you mean, but either way rephrase the sentence a bit so the definition is clear.
Typo! *material.
You've hit a pet peeve of mine when it comes to writing! And that's those ellipses! When you've got an ellipsis in your writing, there needs to be a space after it before the next word! Otherwise, those three dots are connecting both words together, and technically that is grammatically correct. Which means it needs changing. You did this somewhere else in the chapter too, but I thought it wouldn't be much use me just quoting more and more. So, don't forget to dig any others out!
Not like this...Deanie said.
But like this... Deanie said.
Typo! *whether.
Really Therese? Text talk? xDI think you mean 'through' here instead of 'thru' xDOther than those nitpicks and the feedback I gave you, I have nothing more to say. Your pacing is fabulous and I have a feeling all of these characters are going to make connections and develop more and more throughout the story. I am very much looking forwards to it. So far only the significant characters are Jean and Joan, but it's hard to have a story with next to no sub-main characters. So, just don't be afraid to add more characters into this as well! Just not too many
Post on my wall or update me whenever you post another chapter! I want to read more of Therese's awesome writing <3
Deanie x
hahaha, your reviews are so helpful and fun to read Olivia! Thank you sooooooooooo much! I shall work on EVERYTHING.
Thewriter13 here to give a review!
Ok this was a good chapter! I haven't read the other chapters but now I'm going to do that right after I finish this review. I love Joan of Arc...isn't she inspiring? You portrayed her courage in this chapter quite well through dialogue. The relationship between Jean and Joan is also described well, but like the two below me said, you are lacking description. A bit more of a setting description would be good to paint the whole picture did the reader. Yes they're riding on horseback, so I can see a little bit of the setting, but I think you need more imagery and sensory details. That way the reader wil really feel like they are in the story and won't just be reding what's happening.
Also there is a small amount of commas that are misused in the chapter.
For instance:
Joan smiled, "I don't know," she answered calmly. The comma after smiled doesn't need to be there. A period is more suitable. There are of lot of other sentences like this throughout the chapter. I suggest you look for that when you revise.
One last thing: work on showing the reader what's happening rather than simply telling them.
"Joan smiled.." Well how did she smile? "Joan pulled her lips back into a calm smile. 'I don't know,' she answered with a smooth tone." I don't know, but I think it gives more of an image rather than just reading "Joan smiled." When you revise try adding this too.
Great plot though! I enjoyed reading about Joan of Arc. You're a great writer!
Keep writing!
Thanks for the review!! I will work on commas, and description!
Before we got into our review battle >.< the good ole days of last month XD
HA, do you want to go back?
cause I don'tNope XD
Hey, there! Asteria here with a review!
Alright, the first thing I'm noticing is a lack of description for their overall surroundings. I'm unable to see where this conversation is being held. From the looks of things, it may have been a stylistic choice as Jean was taking in the surroundings with his subconscious while his eyes focused onward, but it makes it harder for me to be wholly submerged into the scene.
That said, I like the truthfulness of the exchange. Jean was taken aback by Joan's willingness to be in such a war, and wasn't able to disguise or instantly go along with it. He was the ever-present voice of reason, no matter how dead set Joan was.
My only other thoughts have been voiced by Unique below me, so I'll leave this review short and concise.
Brilliant piece of writing! I look forward to reading more from you.
Thanks for the review!!!
Not a problem in the slightest
Hello there! Uni here for a review!
So to start off, I really like this and it has a very interesting plot line, and if I am not mistaken, I do believe this book is half about Joan of Arc.
But I think that there names are to similar: Jean and Joan. It just sort of got confusing for me. You don't have to change it if you don't want, but I think it would be better.
Plus, you should do more description of their surroundings. I couldn't exactly imagine where they were, and what time of the day it was (mind the last part about the time of the day, You probably mentioned that somewhere among your writing.). But I would like to be able to vision these sort of things...
Just some ideas!
~Uni
Yup, its about St.Joan of Arc. I will definitely use your suggestions. Thank you so much for reviewing!!
Welcome! By the way, I love your profile picture!
Thanks!! Dori is my favorite!!
Hehehehehe