Author’s note:OK, I’d appreciate any feedback on grammar, stuff that sounds forced, parts that are unnecessary, and basically anything you can find! And character ideas would be cool! Like if you think they are just way too friendly, or to hostile towards each other, then give a holler! Also, I understand that it might sound a bit strange with the little part where they are discussing clothes (guys don’t talk about clothes!) but I kind of wanted to cover that, as in those days it was considered HIGHLY improper for a woman in society to wear the clothing of a man. Thanks!
Swinging his horse forward, beside Sier de Gourcout, Jean nodded in the direction of the girl, now being moved onto a stretcher and out of the road.
“I think we found the source of the hunt,” he said, yanking the reins back, the horse lightly dancing around on the road.
Gourcout raised one eyebrow, and tilted his head to the side. “You sure?” he asked. “We cannot afford to run into anymore problems, or we will arrive at Blois too late.”
Frowning, Jean rubbed his nose in apparent frustration. “Yes,” he replied. “At least I’m fairly sure. We won’t know until we question her.”
“I don’t want her anywhere near the men. She must stay here,” Gourcout said, his hands twitching as if he was nervous.
Jean winced inwardly. I knew this would happen, he thought.
“With all due respect, Sier de Gourcout,” Jean began, “but it wouldn’t be very Catholic of us to just leave her. It is against the law of God, to neglect another human being in need.”
Gourcout glared at Jean. “I am well aware of what the law of God is, Jean,” he said coldly. “I’m not thinking of what will happen to her, but about the army. We cannot allow such evilness to penetrate an already immoral army.”
Jean let out a breath of air that he had been holding in. “We don’t know if she is a witch. All we know, is that we found her on the road, severely, if not mortally hurt.”
He narrowed his eyes at Gourcout, shifting uncomfortably in his stance. “Joan will back me in this.”
“Back you in what, Jean?” her soft voice interrupted. “What is the matter?”
Turning his head to side, Jean saw that she had come from up behind him, and was standing with one hand perched on her hip. The other was holding the reins of her horse, fingers running through the seemingly rough and matted mane.
“Sier de Gourcout was wondering what to do with the girl, is all,” Jean said calmly, looking pointedly at him.
“Oh, we’ll take her with us of course!” Joan exclaimed. “It would absolutely horrible to hand her over to the witch hunters, or to just leave her!”
Sier de Gourcout fist’s clenched up tight, and he glared at Jean. “Like I was telling your Squire, Joan, we cannot afford the risk of taking such a women into the army!”
“She’s younger than me. Only a child, “Joan answered bluntly. “I will examine her myself, later. For now I want her put in the back, with someone as a guard.”
She turned to Gourcout, whose face was now turning red. “That will have to do for now,” she said. “I want you to get the army moving again.”
The quiet order—pointed at Sier de Gourcout—was said with coolness, and precision, her voice rolling and lifting above the clamor of the men and horses.
With a backward glance at them both, Gourcout turned and headed towards the front of the army.
“That was well done,” Jean said quietly. “No man could have done it better.”
Joan turned and for the first time, smiled at him. She has a strange way of smiling, he thought. But still nice looking.
“Thank you,” she replied.
Those two words seemed enough to her, and she turned and climbed back on her horse. Following her example, Jean did the same and followed her to the front of the army that was beginning to move once again.
Shaking his hair out of his eyes once more, Jean lifted a hand to his eyes to block the sun out. The din of the renewal of the march filled his ears, and he turned around to watch—if just for a moment—the French army.
Then his face darkened as he watched the men travel slowly down the road. I didn’t see the girl being taken to the back, he thought.
Running his eyes suspiciously over the outskirts of the army, he caught the faint flash of white, from the corner of his eye. Watching it carefully, he could then see that it was the girl, but she was now on a stretcher, being carried gently towards the back.
“She will be taken care of,” Joan said. “Sier de Gourcout won’t disobey me.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Jean muttered, glancing back at Gourcout’s retreating rigid form.
Joan smiled, her lips parting halfway to show her white teeth. “He is loyal for now. His Majesty, the Prince, wouldn’t have put him in charge, if he wasn’t.”
That is true, Jean thought, musing over what she had said. But it isn’t treason if he disobeys her in this, as it’s not something of capital offense.
“Let’s not speak of this again,” Joan said, shivering. “I don’t like speaking ill of people. It seems rather biased to me.”
Jean smirked and—using his legs to direct it—he moved his horse a few feet away from hers, pushing her pages over to the left flank. “Then we won’t. But other’s might.”
A small smile played across Joan’s mouth, and her eyes sparkled. “I have found that it’s always easy to ask people not to do things that are considered wrong, rather than assume that they won’t in the first place.”
“That is true,” Jean admitted. “Never really thought about it that way.”
He sucked in air through his mouth, and then exhaled it. This horse smells, he thought wryly. His nose twitched, and he rubbed at it, doing his best to not cough from the itching in the back of his throat.
Looking out ahead—trying to not look at Joan for the time being—he saw the sun had reached the overhead in the sky, signaling that it was midday.
Hopefully they’ll stop soon for a break, he thought. It’s starting to get hot.
Sweat began pouring down his face in long streams, cutting streaks through the light covering of dirt. Reaching his hand up and wiping some of the wetness away with a small piece of his sleeve, Jean grimaced, his eyebrows going down in a frown.
Nothing wrong with the heat, he figured. Just the armor is rather uncomfortable.
Glancing down at his attire, Jean felt almost jealous of the girl riding beside him. While his clothing was dark and heavily made, hers were lightly made, and fitted so as to show her slim body.
“Why the sour face?” she asked, her light laughter sounding in his ears. “Do you not find this occupation suitable?”
“It’s not that…” Jean answered, his eyes brightening. “I was just thinking that it must be nice for you, to not wear the long skirts of a woman…”
“Quite the opposite!” Joan exclaimed. “I wish God hadn’t ordered me to wear these horrible garments!”
“Really?” Jean asked, his face screwing up in a frown. I didn’t think she’d react with so much fire, he thought.
Joan shook her head in bewilderment. “Everybody seems to think, that I enjoy wearing these garments. Truth is… I don’t.”
She looked at his face closely, fixing her eyes on him so that he wouldn’t be tempted to look away. “God told me to wear the clothing of a man, until my time comes. Those were his orders, and I cannot disobey them for any reason.”
“I never really thought about it like that,” Jean muttered, looking down at his hands. “I always figured you wore them, because they were comfortable. At least compared to the clothing of a woman.”
“Men’s clothing aren’t comfortable for a woman,” Joan answered shortly.
“Oh…” Jean replied, balling his hands into fists into frustration. Can’t say anything right to this girl, without getting something wrong, he thought, an irritated expression crossing his face.
Mentally shrugging, he peered to his right, to see a page staring at him with awe on his tan face.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there!
Um, did I miss something with this girl? I knew that she had been captured and called a witch, but I don't remember them actually finding her. Maybe I'm just forgetting. Wouldn't be the first time my memory was rude to me like that :3
I feel like these two bits of dialogue could be put together. It seems like the same conversation that she's having so it's a little odd that it's not all together.
What exactly does her smile look like? Jean knows what he thinks is strange about Joan's smile, but we don't. So that makes this thought a little odd, to be honest. Like, why is he just out of the blue mentioning her strange smile? If you explain how she smiles, it'll make more sense.
Ha, I absolutely love the scene there at the end when they're talking about the clothes. It's so perfect for Joan and Jean's relationship. Up until the end there, they were actually getting along in this chapter. Joan was listening to what Jean had to say and Jean respected Joan, something that hasn't really been in abundance lately since they're both super stubborn (or at least that's how I see it). So having them argue over something as small as clothes really brings back the idea that they don't totally get along. I thought it was brilliant.
Overall, another good chapter here. Things are moving along kind of slow, but they're moving. And that's not a bad thing of course. Because while we're moving along, we get to see more of Jean and Joan and their relationship is just as important to the success of this novel as is the actual story (Joan's mission from God). So even though the story seems to be going along slowly, it works. I think it's great that you're taking the time to show us this relationship between Jean and Joan. It seems like a very important one.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I'm so bad for not replyingYes, so I see that I need to describe their actions and be more specific when doing that. Right? Like describe her smile in more detail, and not just say that she smiled, ect..,?
Haha, I'm sooo glad you liked the part about her clothes. At first, I thought everybody would just view it as stupid, and childish of me to put that there, but I'm glad you didn't. Excellent. I wanted to show that they both felt strongly about such trivial things.
Jaa, it is moving slow. It will speed up when I actually finish this and get to rewriting. Thank you for the review!
Brief comment here, since you've already got heaps of reviews. Am I seeing the start of something between Jean and Joan?
Like a start of an actual friendship or romance?
I'm trying to build up a slight friendship for them at the moment, and I'm hoping to have it grow into something bigger than what we have here. xD But if you mean romance... then I don't think so. I hope not at least.
Hey, Therese! Sorry about the delay!
whoa gurl there be like eighteen thousand clauses in this sentence.
Try taking out your garden shears (or ruby-encrusted Gryffindor sword, whatever suits you) and clipping some parts: "Jean swung his horse forward so he stood beside Sier de Gourcout. He nodded in the direction of the girl, who was now being moved onto [etc.]..."
And I couldn't help noticing that all your openings reflect each other; they launch with a dependent clause, then there's the actual meat of the sentence, and then there's another dependent clause. An action (usually a horse involved)--dialogue, heated conversation, dialogue...
Break the pattern! Add description. Fluff things up. Just give us time for our thoughts to crystallize before we enter the dialogue; that way, we're all fresh and ready when the action comes.
Ehhh. I'm not so keen on the dependent clauses here. Or that adverb. It's eying me. O_o
It's stealing the spotlight from the main focus of the sentence, so all we can see is "lightly dancing." And "lightly dancing" doesn't really lock into the atmosphere. I feel like it belongs somewhere lighter (for lack of a better word), somewhere ... comical.
But even if you rephrase it, I fail to understand how it's relevant to the rest of the sentence. It's just there to occupy space--to vary the dialogue, but what it's actually doing is weakening the dialogue.
Try: "I think we found the source of the hunt," he said.
The body language is getting to be slightly overwhelming. I don't want to see; I want to imagine.
It's not bad, though. I like this bit. It implies confusion without outright stating it. But I wonder if you can sculpt the body language so it's individual to its respective character (pretend that was phrased better), like, say, a mannerism. Steepled hands. Rubbing the back of his neck. Tilting his chin up. That fun stuff.
Nasty adverb. Go away. We don't wants you here.
This sounds so ... eh. First there's the question that doesn't really exist but is pounding at the bars restraining it like some insane prisoner: "what the law of God is." Second, there's the simplicity of the retaliation. He said it coldly, right? He didn't like the way Jean was questioning him. Have him throw a hissy fit! "I am well aware of the law of God."
I'll go ahead and kill a couple flamingoes with one stone:
1) Guy launches with simple vocabulary and concludes with "penetrate an already immoral army."
2) Different prepositions--"of" and "about"--but they refer to the same noun. Should be: "but of the army."
3) The word "army" is used twice. I'd recommend exchanging one for "soldiers," maybe?
4) "Evilness" is such a vague (and powerful) word, and it doesn't really ... suit "penetrated," I guess? I mean, I don't see "penetrate" and "evil" as being used in close conjunction. Unless we're discussing fantasy.
Maybe "taint" instead of penetrated, or "poison" instead of evilness," or ... blagh, you're more creative than I am. XD
I feel like this has so much potential, that it could flower into something great, but isn't being given the opportunity. Like a Mozart who's denied a piano.
Exchanging a "let out" for "escape"...
Spoiler
I'm sorry I couldn't resist...could really intensify the image.
Forgot a "be" here.
The internal dialogue was great (more than great--amazing, really), but what did the smile look like? I'm itching to know now that I also know she has a nice smile.
(And groups of words should be hyphenated if they're serving as a singular adjective, i.e.: "nice-looking smile."
Tell me more! "So as to hug her curves"? "So as to complement her slim figure"? Get rid of that nasty "show."
Grammar: "Heavily made" should be "heavily-made." "Hers were" should be "her was."
Again, tell me moreeee. "To reveal her teeth"? "To showcase her teeth"?
It was amazingness up until "it seems rather biased." "Biased" is a common word, so I feel like the second sentence didn't really serve much purpose.
Maybe "It feels rather insolent" or something along those lines?
If you try say it aloud, it doesn't sound right. I could accept the first part, maybe, but the second part seems rather vague and unnecessary. Maybe "I implore God to relieve me of these dreadful garments" or something obnoxious like that. XD
The comma provides more of an obstacle in the flow than it does a pause. Try an ellipsis or an M-dash, or even removing it entirely: "Everyone ["everyone" sounds more formal] seems to think that I enjoy wearing these [I wouldn't recommend repeating "garments"]."
No need for the comma ("because" isn't a coordinating conjunction).
Think you meant "in frustration."
I sounded harsh up there, but believe me when I say I really, really, really enjoyed this. Your style's the kind that engages the reader and keeps their eyes glued to the screen, and I had to read through the piece several times to actually register anything wrong with it; even then, my nitpicks were petty--small comments on grammar and such.
I can see the characters fleshing out, assuming distinct contours. It's like you have a natural gift for conveying emotion through dialogue:
"With all due respect, Sier de Gourcout,” Jean began, “but it wouldn’t be very Catholic of us to just leave her."
Look at that. How did you come up with such genius? O.O
And not just dialogue, but internal dialogue, as well. It sounded completely and utterly natural; it just ... fit. I don't know many writers who've mastered this craft, so kudos to you.
There's not much else to say. Because I don't see any major problems and your sentences flow so easy, my eyes just skate through the paragraphs. You handled all the basic tools well--I'd suggest a touch of elaboration here and there, but otherwise, you're great. Keep up the good work.
(Sorry if I sounded really disjointed and stuff; my brain's been soup the past few days.)
OMG, thank you sooo much Goldflame! Ugh, those clauses... I need to work on that... xD
You da best.
Hmm, it seems as though you and everybody else hates those little body actions that I keep putting in there. *gets out sword*Will work on that, with meh sword. xD
Hehe, one thing that I've noticed with your reviews... I always feel like getting a grammar book to see what all these huge words mean. But I got it. OMG, I got it. Conjunctions, prepositions... done. Thank you soooo much!
Thanks you for all the nitpicks Godlflame! Very helpful, and I'll get them edited out as soon as I begin the editing process.
Aww, you too nice <3
Hey, your cousin here to review (as promised).
Nitpicks!
There are quite a few commas in this sentence. I think it would flow a little better if you separated the bit I have underlined, maybe putting "She was now being moved onto a stretcher and out of the road".
I think this part was unnecessary. You tell us in the paragraph above that Joan turns to Gourcout and in her dialogue uses 'you', obviously directed at him. You can leave it in, but I think it is a little unnecessary.
I think you can see what's wrong
I thought this could be worded a little simpler. Instead of putting: "to ask people not to do things that are considered wrong", why not put: "to ask people not to do something that is viewed as wrong"?
This sentence could be simpler. Maybe if you put: "he saw the sun was at its highest, signaling that it was midday".
Seeing as the clothes belong to Joan, this needs to be "her's".
Also, the last part could be simpler. Maybe put: 'fitted in a way that displayed her slim figure'.
I think this sentence needs a little adjusting. like so: "I can’t say anything right to this girl without getting something wrong, he thought, an irritated expression crossing his face."
Okay, and I'm done with the nitpicks
Praise!
Like I did before, I looked up something, Gourcout for example. But I couldn't find anything on him. I was just curious as to his background and how he was towards Joan really. (I really need to read the previous chapters). But he seems like an interesting character - he has that aura about him which makes me feel nervous. He is up to something. I know it. Also, like BlueAfrica said, you have portrayed Joan well, I too know that she had quite a temper. Even though it was a little strange with the clothes and all, but I think you still put it across well. You can tell you've put a lot of thought and research into this. It is commendable.
I do understand the perspective of Jean. I mean, it was type of era when tradition was ground into them and Joan dressing like a man would have been unusual and not the norm so I can see why he mentioned that. I would have totally questioned that as I am a curious person. I also feel for him, especially near the end when he is thinking about how he can't seem to say the right thing to her - after all, he's not a bad guy, he seems fairly nice.
I was thinking maybe that you should have Jean stating his opinion of Joan wearing men's clothes, maybe to spur her on and make react in such a way. Otherwise she seems a little touchy over nothing. But that's up to you
Great read! I enjoyed it!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
OMG, thanks for the awesome review Traunt! XD It's probably just me with the speech marks, as I've always messed up with those. Psst, thanks for catching that. I'll fix all of this in the future.
Aww. You're welcome. Hee hee. I think we all have our little traits, me with the 'its' and 'your/you're's and you with the speech marks. It's no biggie
I look forward to the next chapter! Don't forget to tag me!!
OH, OK! I'll be sure to!
Thanks again!
No problem
Well, the main thing I remember being a little weird to me yesterday while reading was the clothing bit. Not the fact that they were discussing it--that's cool. But, well. Joan got a little snappish over it. Which, okay. A man of the times obviously could not understand whether or not men's clothing would be comfortable for a woman--although it seems like common sense, since pants provide freer movement of the legs without causing accidental indecency. Not to mention the ridiculously long dresses that would have been extremely inconvenient in battle, even for someone far from the front lines.
Now, I did read that Joan had a temper. (Here.) So that's cool, although it seems a little much to snap at a guy who's just asking about clothing rather than swearing/eating stolen meat/etc. I mean, in some other ways so far, you've made her seem patient and understanding, and the poor guy's just making conversation.
On that note, I figured he would actually kind of approve of the fact that she's only wearing men's clothes because she was told to. He's definitely the kind of guy who thinks tradition and traditional gender roles should be followed--look at how much he keeps thinking "A woman leading an army? That's not right at all." So it's a little bit strange to me that he wouldn't have a moment of approval at the idea that she actually wants to be wearing the clothes society says she should.
Although I do get that he's annoyed at her snappishness (and rightly so). Then again...isn't it a little improper for a man to be discussing clothing with a woman? Specifically the clothes she's wearing? Or maybe not. Victorian Era, yes, but I don't know as much about the 15th century.
I know that was kind of a dumb thing I just went off of and wrote a whole review about, but...that's what caught my attention when I read it yesterday. (Sorry.)
Blue
lol Thank you so much Mommy! Actually, I was a little concerned about that part, as I wasn't entirely sure their actions were right. Well, I think I know what to do with it now! Thank you!
Oh heyyy I remember you! Nice story! Anyway, on to the review!
Compliments. It's like getting candy for breakfast! Anywho, first off!
You have amazing vocabulary! I actually ha to look up some of the words in this work of art! You have good sentence structure to (there are some mistakes but that'll come in criticisms) I love how you show what the character's thinking, it really strengthens your main hero and gives him a body outside the story. I also really like how you show a woman authority without having her as a main character (or at least that's what I deduce from reading this, i didn't read the last chapters.)
Criticisms! It's like not getting candy for breakfast! I saw a couple mistakes in your story that needs fixing. First, when you say, "Sier de Gourcout's fists clenched up tight" I believe you can make the sentence flow better by saying, "Sier de Gourcout's fists clenched as he..." It improves your syntax and lets the story flow just a bit more easily. Second, I would like to point out a similar problem with another sentence. When you say, "She turned to Gourcout who's face was now turning red..." Instead, you could say, "She turned to Gourcout who face was bright red."
Well. that's all for the review! Keep writing!
Hey, thanks for the review! I'll work on that sentence structure!