Darkness, flashing lights,
Glimpses of bodies moving.
Everyone moving to a familiar beat,
Couples grinding to a new extent.
Individuals moving in circles,
Bouncing in turn.
I feel you before I see you,
Behind me, staring.
You step forward
And ask a simple question,
I reply in the like.
We start moving together,
Front to back,
Your hands on my waist,
Slowly moving up to my shoulders.
People move all around us,
But we don’t notice.
All we care about is
Here and now.
Panic starts to rise,
I feel dirty, uncomfortable.
The music fades and you slip
Away, and I flee to my safe zone.
Nothing has changed me as much as
This has, the memory of my first
Dance.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
This part right here is very realistic. People outside their safe zone normally have a hard time conveying the feeling, and it's a very strong and powerful emotion: discomfort.
Well, this is sort of my memory from this past Monday night. This actually happened to me and it was a dark time. I was rebelling against my parents and my teacher. So I was trying to make it dark because I regret this memory a lot.
Hi Teddy!
So, this was cute. I like how your narrator is all scared and that, and your simple, flat imagery I adored. However, I think I wanted to like this, but I really didn't.
Why? I think it boils to the fact that you're trying to make this poem a little too dark for the subject matter. It's a poem about a dance, for heaven sakes. You may be trying to convey nervousness, but if you I suggest something more passive (Maybe you could try 3rd Person). Make it clear to us that the narrator is at a dance.
Try to describe things in simpler ways to make it seem vibrant. He's probably excited until he starts asking the girl to dance, am I right? So try to convey that shift in emotions. What do we do when we're nervous? Shake, sweat and turn red, right? Have the characters acknowledge it somehow.
Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo