Okay, those of you who have read my work know that I haven't written anything in awhile, so I may be abit rusty. I wrote this about a week ago, and have been deciding wether to put it up or not. The background story is that whenever my dad and I are in the same room, either one or both of us leaves the room unhappy or mad. We have been going through a tough time in our relationship, so I wrote this to describe how I felt about it.
Anger and passion consume
You, everytime you come around.
Everything has led you to assume
That you don't need to listen to your heart pound
Out what you feel.
Anger and passion surround
Me, pulling me in this direction
And that, until I finally hit the ground.
I realize I have no protection
From you, and I never will.
Anger and passion control
Us, there is no stopping
It from consuming and surrounding
Us. Until we finally give in.
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Hi,
I really love your use of rhyme here. It's very effective. I think that the first stanza is a bit vague and instead I'd focus on imagery, how the anger comes across, how he moves. I'd omit references to the heart.
"I realize I have no protection
From you, and I never will."
is very powerful. I'd change all the "anger and passion"s to a more specific image.
"Until we finally give in" is a great last line, and I love how you make it a sentence in its own right. Again I'd try for more imagery in the lines which come before it.
As a whole the emotion comes across very powerfully and it flows very well.
Hope this helps,
Jas