Should I?
Should I allow myself to get caught up again?
We both know this is only a game.
~
Can I?
Can I allow myself to feel those feelings again?
I know you'll replace me one day.
~
Will you?
Will you laugh and flirt and smile?
I know it will draw me in deeper this time.
~
When?
When will I learn my lesson?
That games and smiles are all that we have.
~
Who?
Who could have predicted that this would happen again?
I know I certainly couldn't.
~
How?
How long will this last before one of us chooses to leave?
I doubt it will be me.
~
Questions....
That's all I have.
~
Why?
I only have one reason:
I love you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hey Teddy, thanks for linking me to this. Poetry is one of my favorite things to review (I’m not saying I’m good at doing so, but maybe I can give you some pointers)
I really like your simplistic style here, but I think it lacks a lot of emotion. I don’t exactly /feel/ anything, and I think I should be feeling something as I read this. Use your words to cause me to ache for this speaker, who is struggling to let go of this one person, but can’t.
One thing I note is an odd use of repetition:
For one thing the use of allow in either stanza reads awkwardly to me—it feels to formal in what feels like an informal poem. Perhaps “let” could be used for one, if you really do like the use of “allow” in the poem. It’s entirely up to you, but I still found myself going over how “allow” really sounds and concluding it an odd word in the poem. Another thing is “feel those feelings.” It’s a little generic and redundant. “Emotions” could work here, or “Can I allow myself to
burnin those feelings again?” Be more specific with exactly what the speaker felt and how it affected her in just word. Such a burn, or something else negative, since the speaker experience negative feelings with the knowledge she’ll be replaced. Just a thought.I like to tell everyone in my poetry reviews that I feel every word in poetry is very important, since (depending on the poem you’re writing) your word count is limited due to pattern. I notice you have a pattern of some sort, which you did tend to change up a bit before revision. Be careful with that, because consistency is something you should be aware of when poeting. My point here is you’ve already talked about this whole love relationship thing being a game, and here you come back again and says it’s a game. Try to work on mentioning one thing at a time, with a unique idea presented in each stanza, rather than repeating an idea.
The last two stanzas were fairly disappointing. You ask all of these questions, and the state they’re all that the speaker has. What is the point of telling us this? Give it a stronger purpose rather than just a little stanza saying “Questions…that’s all I have” etc. I just felt it was weakly inserted.
The last stanza on its own was also a little awkwardly written. “Why?” Why what? Does the “Why?” mean: “why am I asking all of these questions” [since it follows the stanza about questions being all the speaker has] or “Why will I never break out of this cycle and let go of you?” I don’t know which one, and that makes me question the whole purpose of the poem xD So if you could clarify~
I hope I helped in any way! Let me know if you have any questions regarding the review; I’d be happy to answer them if I’m on.
~Writer~
Hi Teddybear22!
Using the questions you've made throughout the poem (e.g. the wh-questions) is undoubtedly a good try. It makes the poem neat and easily readable.
But what makes me confused is that each stanza in this poem couldn't link with each other. It seems to me that you have so many doubts and you only categorized them into different questions types.
Here are my suggestions:
- Maybe you should add a setting to your dreams/imaginations to engage your readers
- Add a few more questions to each category so that it seems more rich in context
e.g.
Should I?
Should I allow myself to get caught up again?
Should I take off my mask
in this masquerade?
We both know this is only a game.
... so that your emotions may build up (I don't know if this is the right word?) in each stanza/story/category.
The readers may have the same questions as well, but you need to guide them with words/description so that they can truly feel what you hope to convey in this poem.
Keep up the good work!!
I liked the concept you was going for .just need to work on the delivery of it
Hey, Teddybear22! Strange here and I have a review for you!
I was confused throughout this poem. Not that the message of the poem was confusing or anything like that. See, in poetry there is a constant pattern, flow a poem has. This poem has it, but it started too late. There could be some clever reason on why it is like this, but it is not visible to me. Let me break it down.
Spins wheel
In these two stanzas, you manage to switch it up. The first one being the initial kick off question that opens up all void to be filled with sweet romance ( <3 ). In the second line of the first stanza, and the third line you chop it up. It contains more emotion. However, in the second stanza, you had the character asking the love interest three questions, which is different from the first.
Alright, switching it up some more. Interesting technique, using four lines which is different from the pattern earlier. Maybe this could be an unfunny running gag that could set up emotion. Just so you know, you have emotion in hand on this one.
You switched it up again! Why? You still convey emotion, plot, everything a poem needs except for stability. Oh, the last line should be a question. The second line should be leading up to it.
You kept this stanza form for the rest of the poem, which is great, but what about the first three stanzas? This is a straight forward poem, but it can't be jumping around like that, which can lose interest.
Overall, the romance you conveyed in this was well executed. You had the right words and emotion in it. The only thing going wrong is the stanza form. No matter what, you did a pretty dandy job. Good luck with writing, and you better keep on writing.
Cheers!
Your repetition in each of your stanzas brings the piece together, but overall I feel this is lacking depth and imagery. You keep a consistent rhythm, but I'm not even sure if that's how its supposed to be. It feels vaguely fragmented and like there is much that could be elaborated upon or at least given a bit more detail on. The concept seems like a sad begining to a hopeless love story more than a poem. I'm sorry if any of this offends.
Is this supposed to be poetry or something, because it feels lacking to be poetry, but I definately think this would be an amazing prologue to a romance novel