Forbidden Love

I don't really read much poetry, so I'm only going to review the basics and such, here goes! The poem has a very Romeo and Juliet feel to it, especially the part about the family feud keeping them apart, and I wish that part could have had a bit more of a unique flavor to it. Possibly instead of generations of this feud, maybe it has just begun. Maybe they were allowed to be together at first but then something happened between the family's, and they were tone apart from that, just a suggestion. The poem also took a little bit to get to the forbidden lovers part, instead focusing on the female's reaction to being denied her lover. If you could make the forbidden lover's part a bit longer though, I don't think people would notice the difference all that much, again, just a suggestion. I really liked your story and I hope that you will continue to write!

Bonjour, Hola, Guten tag! I'm June,

You titled this poem forbidden love, so I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for a juicy tale about two lovers whose fate would inevitably pull them apart a la Romeo and Juliet. I can't say that the poem doesn't touch on that, but! I definitely feel like it took too long getting to that point. We don't need to know about the rainy windowpane in the beginning; it's not particularly interesting, it doesn't contribute to the poem's story, and it sure as the rest of your poem does not hold my interest.

Onward, the images you present us with, such as, "I was a living corpse" are interesting to say the least, but do they really convey what you want to portray? I know you want to paint the devastation of these lovers, but to use such flat, popular macabre images to show us this... well, it gets boring!

Instead, what you can do is tell us this some way new. I know that you are maintaining a lovely rhyme scheme throughout the poem, but that disrupts your syntax at a few points throughout the poem by making it feel like you're forcing too many words into one line. Furthermore, I'd really like to see a poem about a cliche topic (ie, forbidden love!) that makes me excited, makes me want to root for these lovers, and inevitably leave a lasting impression in my mind.


Happy review day!

Ta,

June

Hey Sybarite, and welcome to YWS! I'm alliyah here to review your poem!

So in this line I'm wondering if you mean 'fled' instead of 'fed' "To renuite with the love that fed." I guess 'fed' makes sense too if that's really what you meant.

The 4th stanza might have a little problem because in this line: "But I dreamt of him and me" 'me' would be grammatically correct if it was 'I' but that might mess up your rhyme scheme. although it wouldn't totally ruin the rhyming because it would still kind of rhyme with 'starlight'. Just something to think about.

In the 6th stanza again you use 'me' to "rhyme" with cheek, and I wonder if 'cheek' is a little overused. You might want to change that up a little bit, to avoid having the same ending words in two lines in two stanzas.

I think this is my favorite stanza: "Fate brought us together,
Family feud tore us apart.
The mad rage that generations had carried,
Ate away two young hearts."

I'm not for sure, but I think you need a comma after the word rage. Either that, or you don't need one after carried.

In the next stanza "The gruesome fights and murders and bloodsheds," although the extra 'and' makes it more dramatic, I think maybe it ought to be taken out, just because it makes the line awefully lengthy.

I think the tenth stanza might have some issues:

"The hate our fore- fathers had,
Its shadow to date hovers.
The anger burning in their eyes,
As the inferno consumed us- two lovers"

The hyphens I just don't think are necessary, and that secound line is phrased a little strange. I think it could just be "Its shadow even now hovers" or "Its shadow forever hovers". Although I should add that I really like rhyming to word 'hovers' with 'lovers'. and the last two lines in that stanza are especially good imagery, feeling, and emotion.

My last critique/suggestions are in the eleventh stanza :

"Yet a ray of hope then glimmered,
Somewhere in the deep reccesses of my heart.
Still blushing from the recent dreams,
There was a chance we'd not be so apart?"

I this would read smoother if you took out the word 'then' in the 1st line, and 'so' from the last. Just to cut down on the wordyness.

Last stanza, no problems. I really like the semi-depressing conclusion to the story.

Overall, really nice piece. You paint a complete picture and do a good job developing emotion and imagery in your poem. You have some nice alliteration and figuartive language adding some more interest to the piece. The language is also not to boring, and sticks to the tone of the passage.

Thanks for posting! And I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!!

~alliyah~

I loved it! Speaks openly to the heart. When she's dreaming, I can see the memories that you create in narrator's mind. The mood is dark and sad. Lonely. To me, it reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, was that what you were going for? It was beautiful. Nothing much to criticize, though I agree with Shishka, it could use a few metaphors. My favorite part was:

" He played with my hair,
Spoke sweet nothings."

I'm a little embarrassed to say,

"He kissed me tender,
kissed me rough,"

was also a favorite line of mine. I do like a forbidden romance, don't you? The tragedy and heart breaking love is so beautiful. And the way you executed this poem was simply spectacular. Bravo! I applaud you noisily.
~Racket

hey it was really nice...and seemed direct from the heart. but i felt it could be little more metaphorical. i mean you did use a lot of things to convey something else but somethings were direct for example, "The hate our fore- fathers had...". if you would have conveyed the WHOLE of your poem's theme indirectly it would have been really nice since the theme that you have selected is really good. but maybe then very less people must have understood it...so really a nice effort...maybe better than what i can do....best of luck!!

hey it was really nice...and seemed direct from the heart. but i felt it could be little more metaphorical. i mean you did use a lot of things to convey something else but somethings were direct for example, "The hate our fore- fathers had...". if you would have conveyed the WHOLE of your poem's theme indirectly it would have been really nice since the theme that you have selected is really good. but maybe then very less people must have understood it...so really a nice effort...maybe better than what i can do....best of luck!!