I sat down one day
to make him immortal in my words,
but I never quite finished
the ballads dedicated to him,
because everyday he gave me something new
to admire,
that one day I finally ran out of paper
describing him.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
This is definitely an interesting poem. I thought you did a very nice job putting a lot of meaning into a very short poem. There are those that exist that you could fill hundreds of pages on solely focusing on their good deeds. It would be interesting if you wrote this to refer to be more specific about someone you truly admire (like your mother). Sometimes I feel that the best poems aren't 1,000 lines long. The best poems can bestow meaning in less than 20 lines. You did that, and for that, I salute you.
Thank you so very much...
Hi, TheSybarite! This is your reviewer, pinkie. I like to review your poem for the May Review Day!
As the other reviewers say, this is a beautiful. The words speaks to me as I read it. I got some emotional feelings about this poem. It remained me of being in love of a guy who makes me laugh. I started to cry when I read this poem. You got me to like this poem and to follow you! You are talented poet, TheSybarite. I want to read more from you. However, you could write more like the others say. It made me don't want it to end!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your review, Pinkiegirl13
P.S.: Happy Review Day!
I'm happy that my words could make you feel something and remember someone..that's kind of why I do not describe any one particular person here; I wanted people to read it and think about the ones they love/ed. I'm so happy I could achieve it.
TheSybarite,
This is so adorable. I just love it. Definitely demonstrates passion, love, and endless merriment. I like how the length keeps the poem simple and lovely. I probably would've made it longer, to try and describe his endless personality. Maybe give examples of things you love about him.
It's perfect the way it is though too, because its original.
Keep expressing.
-Percybeth
I'm glad you like it...thanks a ton for your lovely words!
Hello, Zontafer here to review your piece!
Considering the length of the poem, I think you managed to get a lot down. I mean, you could literally write a story out of this. It kind of seems like a summary of one, if that's a way to say it. ^^
This was probably my favorite line of your poem. ^^
To be honest, I didn't quite the purpose of this. I don't really see how the last two lines hangs together with the two previous one. Perhaps I'm just stupid. <_<
Overall, nice poem!
- Zontafer
Well, everyone's got a different vision; the last two lines are my favourite, while you don't quite see their point. Everyone has got their preferences, and isn't that the beauty of writing? Thanks for your precious review. I appreciate it tons!
Hi there, Chips here to review!
Your poem had a really great voice to it and I loved the topic you chose. It wasn't the usual love/romance/crush cliche type narrative, which was good as you had varied descriptions used. It was also clear and concise, simple to understand and had a direct message which was put across without much wording involved.
Well, there is always room for improvements so I have a few suggestions to make to you.
I really liked it a lot, but to me there is something missing there is no one line that is standing out for that "wow" moment. Perhaps this is due to the length? I think some vivid imagery would greatly add more effect, as well as length to your poem.
"I sat down one day
to make him immortal in my words,
but I never quite finished
the ballads dedicated to him,
because everyday he gave me something new
to admire,
that one day I finally ran out of paper
describing him."
The ending is good and when you reference ballads. But the rest of the poem seems unfinished, as if this is just a selected stanza from the full poem.
You could elaborate more on your thought process while attempting to write about, "him", you could also tell the reader a bit about this, "him" which makes you so in awe about "describing him", endlessly?
Overall this piece had plenty of potential, keep writing!
Hope this helped
-Chips
I see your point. Perhaps I'll write another piece describing 'him' and 'his qualities'. Thanks for your review!
Hi, WillowPaw here to review. This is ganna be a short review for your short poem.
Speaking of short, wow! You got a lot in here with just... *counts* .... 8 lines! It really sent a clear message, and I love the way you described this, especially this line:
Very beautiful!
I have one small problem, and maybe its just because I'm not processing it or something, but here it is:
I just feel like that transition doesn't work. Maybe put a period after admire and make the second line "Then one day..."
Or not. You don't have to change it. After all, you are the author.
I didn't have much of a problem with this poem, I thought it was quite lovely, short, and simple.
You have a great way with words.
Love it, and hope this helps the slightest bit!
WillowPaw1~
Thanks for your review...it just made my day!
I guess I love the word 'that', so I'm gonna let it be there. Thanks!
That's okay!
Your welcome
Hello, there!
Wow! For a poem so short, you really pack a lot of punch with it! I like how the ending is sort of melancholy, but the overall tone of the poem is still really sweet.
Just a quick nitpick: Not every line needs to be capitalized at the beginning. Only when you start a new sentence. Also, there's this:
So, like I said, 'to' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after 'words', because 'but' is a conjunction. If you did that, 'but' wouldn't need to be capitalized either.
Also, there's this:
Is the word 'that' necessary there? It confused me a bit. I think it would flow better if you took it out.
It doesn't have much imagery or other poetic devices, but I think that it fits the style of the poem, and makes it short and sweet. I really love how powerful this is for such a short piece. Very well done!
Hey...thanks for the suggestions. I've edited the poem a bit accordingly. I thought every first word of new line needs capitalisation. So glad you pointed it out!
No problem!
Its Ahmed to review.I would give this peom 4/5.Good work.Carry on.
Thank you so much...!