Ecstasy
I am the shiver of ecstasy
That goes down the spine
Of a blossoming lady,
As her beloved takes her hand
For the first time.
Faith
I am the warmth of faith
That runs through the walls of the holy Church
On a Sunday morning,
In between voices of the choir.
Happiness
I am the echoes of happiness
That ring through a wedding hall,
As the priest declares
The two school sweethearts,
Man and wife.
Love
I am the tears of love
That wet a wife's eyes,
When her husband returns from the war,
Unharmed.
Relief
I am the sigh of relief
That escapes a mother's lips,
When her son comes out of coma,
After he hanged himself.
What goes after this,
I don't quite know (yet),
As morrow's sun has not yet risen,
To give me a new definition.
I am an unwritten verse.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Hello, Subtle here for a review! I really like this poem, it is very unique and original compare to other poems. And I also like your definition of the different virtues there, they are perceived through a different way and nonetheless an accurate way. Especially this one:
I wasn't expecting that definition of love, but that is a very accurate one of love. That immense flood of relief is most definitely a symbol of love.
And this one too,
I think this may be my favourite three line out of the whole poem, I love how you have used morrow instead or morning. It suits the poem much better, as well as a much classy way to write it. And the last two lines, oh, that should be published in a book!
Now, I do have some nitpicks for you. Mostly reinforcing what Verser and fictional has said. I think you might have fixed your punctuation a little since the last time they have reviewed, because it really isn't that messy. So, I suggest you to print this out, then read it aloud because that often helps you to see where to pause and where to put a comma. And as Verser has said, your rhythm got a little too long in the middle. I know rhythm isn't an easy to get or write, try and shape your sentence to a certain beat or length. Once again, read it out loud, because when you read it, you will know.
Overall, very unique poem, keep on writing!
-S.s
Yes, I have indeed fixed the punctuation a bit. Now to fix the rhyme part!
I am happy that you enjoyed the poem. Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me!
Yes, I have indeed fixed the punctuation a bit. Now to fix the rhyme part!
I am happy that you enjoyed the poem. Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me!
Yes, I have indeed fixed the punctuation a bit. Now to fix the rhyme part!
I am happy that you enjoyed the poem. Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me!
Here for a review.
This is a beautiful work, I love your descriptions and your rhymes. I love how you made the poem the most. It tells a story am I wrong? A story about marriage and the hardships they faced as a family. It's kind of heartbreaking. What was going through your mind when you wrote this? Another thing, I love how even though you write about a kid hanging himself, you describe it as "Relief." And when the man comes back from a probably brutal bloody war you describe it as, "Love." It's awesome because it's the exact opposite of what he just went through.
Although their are many good things about this poem, I have a few nit picks. Like fiction said, you really need to remember your punctuation. I was confused about that when I started writing, but yoou do need to remember that, it's important. The biggest nit pick I have about this poem is, you need to make it flow more. At the beggining, it lows nicely, but towards the middle and at the end, it gets a little choppy and less rhythmical.
All in all, I love your story, but you need to remember your problems the most, those are the best com pliments. Thank you for your contribution and keep YWS-ing!
Punctuation is very confusing. Definitely not my strongest point! Still, I've tried to improve it. Thanks for pointing it out. Well, yes, it does tells a story. I really don't know what I was thinking while writing this. It kind of just happened! Anyways, I'm happy that you liked it. Thanks a ton for reviewing!
Punctuation is very confusing. Definitely not my strongest point! Still, I've tried to improve it. Thanks for pointing it out. Well, yes, it does tells a story. I really don't know what I was thinking while writing this. It kind of just happened! Anyways, I'm happy that you liked it. Thanks a ton for reviewing!
No problem
This is very beautiful, and the words roll off the tongue very naturally. I felt breathless after finishing the last stanza, and the whole poem made me shiver, I don't know why.
The idea isn't one I've seen too often, and you've accomplished it well.
My only suggestion is that you don't need a comma after every line. I had to mentally ignore the excess punctuation to read this poem smoothly, and it got distracting. Pretend that you've written out the poem in a paragraph format - position them as you would in sentences. It'll improve the flow greatly.
Keep writing!
Thanks for your feedback. I've taken care of the punctuation. Glad you liked it!