In Search Of The Summer Sun

Hello, TheSybarite.

Kanome here with a wonderful review for you!

First off, this is a very saddening poem. My eyes were almost filled with tears when I read this all the way through.

I love the flow and the repetition of this poem. It makes things clear for the readers to understand what is happening in the poem.

My favorite lines:
"A desperate dread drowns me,
As I go in search of the summer sun,
That would blaze with my joys.
And I don't want to watch with welled tears,
Even the roses die."

Because it means that you don't want to cry anymore, that you want to strengthen yourself, which brings out the positive (or optimism) aura in the poem.

I don't see any sentence, grammar, or punctuation errors in this poem. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read more c:

-K

Hello, hello, hello!
This is a very lovely piece you have created here! The grammar, spelling and word choice is all swell. There is one small thing I would change.

And I don't want to watch with welled tears,
Even the roses die.

A desperate dread drowns me,
As I go in search of the summer sun,

Such beautiful descriptions, such a meloncholy feeling :'(
Absolutely brilliant work!

Hey Syb! So, this is a bit of a bare-bones poem in my opinion, which can be a good strategy for expressing grief, but in this case causes it to fall a little flat. Likewise, whereas repetition can be utilized to improve a poem, it does little to help it here. I think that if you were to digress further and really remove the sense of structure from this piece, you could expand this greatly.

You're very direct in the way these details are presented, making it rather simpleton and unpoetic. It's not bad, but it fails to evoke a lot of emotion. Remember that, with poetry, you have to convey a lot in only a handful of words, so you've got to use them wisely. This is harder to do when you're repeating the same lines again and again, especially when they aren't particularly thought-provoking or evocative (for example, "And I watch with walled tears,/as the daisies die.") These lines might actually be more impactful if they only occurred once.

I would encourage you to really expand your concept. It can be hard for a writer to trust that a reader will understand the message that they're trying to get across, so it can be very tempting to try to grab the reader by the head and cram the message down their throats. But the fact is, most of your audience will understand even if you don't directly state the purpose of the poem. I think there's a lot of potential here, but it just needs to grow.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx