They say every time a baby laughs,
a fairy is born from his every mirth.
How I wish I could've been happy.
But alas!
How could something so beautiful and pure
be created by me?
It is not possible.
But in my lifetime
I've shed quite some tears.
Did I mother some devils?
Creatures so ugly and evil and vicious?
It seems likely.
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139,438 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hello! Happy Review Day!
This poem hits right at the heart. It talks of how you may have created evil from a first laugh because of your own evil nature. A chilling thought, to be sure.
This poem flows nicely and has excellent wording, for the most part. In some places, it just didn't have that smooth flow that accompanied the rest of the work.
These short, choppy sentences and statements just seem to disrupt the flow of this poem. Wording them differently may help this
I feel as if some breaks in this poem also could help the flow. Perhaps placing appropriate commas, or stanzas would be a good course of action. If I were you, I would have divided it like this:
A few simple changes as such may change your poem for the better!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Thanks! I'll see where and how I can make changes to improve the poem.
This is an amazing poem. It's raw and real, a darkly beautiful piece of poetry. The truth in life is that we cant always leave good marks. Sometimes, we just leave bad marks behind. Writing gives you the ability to affect people, use it wisely.
Keep writing,
mOnIkEr
Thank you....I'm glad you liked the poem!
I like your concept and your juxtaposition. Nice job.
Thanks a lot....
Hello, Chips here to review!
Well you have quite an interesting concept here, it also seems philosophical in reference to the origin of creation whether good or bad. So well done on that!
There is always room for improvements, so I have a few suggestions that may be of help to you.
"They say every time a baby laughs,
a fairy is born from his every mirth."
"every time", doesn't have to be a separate word, you could write it as, *everytime*.
I also found these lines, although connected in terms to topic, they had a disconnect. I think it may be due to the word, "mirth", it didn't quite fit in my opinion. I liked the incorporation of "fairy" it was good.
"But alas!
How could something so beautiful and pure
be created by me?
It is not possible."
Here, I feel like there are different times of English language used like, "alas" which is more old english as oppose to the modern english you've used throughout your poem, perhaps it was meant to add a dramatic element? In the second line, in reference to, "beautiful and pure" I would have liked to see you elaborate on what exactly that may be.
"I've shedded quite some tears.
Did I mother some devils?
Creatures so ugly and evil and vicious?
It seems likely."
Here, the word "shedded" didn't fit in my opinion, perhaps even, "shed" would have fit in there better. I liked how you created imagery of the creatures and the thought format, by asking questions.
As an overview, I think your poem would benefit from adding more imagery and descriptions so everything flows more poetically to also engage the reader.
Overall, a nice piece, Keep writing! Hope this review was of help to you.
--Chips
Hey...thanks a lot for your review! Even I write everytime as a single word, but when I wrote it, the computer showed a red line below it, indicating that it was incorrect. So, yeah, I don't know. I'm confused :/
As for the other thing, I've edited 'shedded' to 'shed'
Thanks once again!
Hi, J.C. here for a review.
Okay, this one thought me for a loop. A big loop. The man message you are sending is quite obvious, "They say people create good things, but do I?" But there's more to it, I can tell.
First, let me point out the few grammatical errors.
Stupid of me to point this out, but the b in "be" should be capitalized. And the a in, well, "a."
"Shedded" is not the right word to use here, but rather, "shed." And at the same time, I don't feel "quite" is the right word. It doesn't speak of any number or amount, or any form of tears. "I've shed so many tears." or "I've shed terrible tears." Something akin to that would make more sense, in my opinion.
Moving on to the more poetical aspects of this, the word "every" does work, and is sort of ethereal in its own way, but I would feel better if it was "very." It's hard to explain why, though, but that's just what came to my mind.
Not only catchy, but I like this line because it brings out the most whimsical part of the poem, alluding to the idea of many, many other fairy tales. Ultimately, it just fits.
I really like that you've said "mother" instead of "gave birth to." It just gives it that little bit of a flare, a twist, which makes it unique and intriguing to read. And when reading a poem like this which is meant to spark something in the reader, being intrigued by even a single word can be the difference between an enthralled reader, and a deathly bored reader.
Almost passing off doom on yourself, this line suits as a finishing touch, wrapping up this sort of gloomy feeling that has slithered into the poem here at the end. It really makes the poem.
Thank you TheSybarite!
Thanks for your precious review...!
I personally prefer to capitalise the starting of sentences, rather than the first word of every line. As for 'shedded', I've changed it to 'shed'. Thanks for pointing it out!
Again, thanks a lot
Hello! very good job! felt very unique and different from other poems ive ever read. i enjoyed how you made it feel so shakespeare like. it had an essence of fantasy and you really captured the narrarators inner thoughts well. overall, good job. hope to see more.
Thank you so much.....having one of my works being called 'Shakespearean' is perhaps the biggest compliment I could ever recievE! I'm so happy you liked it.
Thanks