z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Lassie's Elm Street

by TheSilverFox


Did Timmy fall into the well again?
Summon the fire department,
Get all of the news crews,
I want to see a huge headline.
Today, hot off the presses -
"Boy falls in well for 33rd time;
Is this a new world record?"
We need drama, we need action,
Somebody call over the police,
Summon the mayor for a speech,
On this horrible, tragic event.
And for God's sake,
Somebody get that damned dog
To shut the hell up!

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498 Reviews

Points: 5966
Reviews: 498

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Thu Oct 01, 2015 2:47 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey Silver!
This poem is very entertaining! I loved the point of view, and it makes me wonder about that poor boy's side of the story.

This seems like the way that news people work, and the poem shows it very well. The poem is fairly short, and very straightforward, with slightly clipped lines; this all relates to the main idea of the poem, I think that's pretty cool.

[quote] We need drama, we need action,
Somebody call over the police, [/quotr]
It's your call, but I feel like a hyphen would work better than a comma after 'action'. It seems like a sudden idea is coming: "Hey! Idea! Someone call over the police!" and I think that a hyphen might help express that.

Hah, the last three lines came out of nowhere. That was really funny. :)
Anyway, great job! I hope I can find some more of your works to review.

-Falco




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245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Wed Sep 30, 2015 11:50 pm
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ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! Cello here!

I must admit, this made me laugh quite a bit. This was really creative and cute.

Minor edits-

I want to see a huge headline
Today, hot off the presses -


A period after 'headline' would be nice. You keep a pretty consistent punctation pattern which I thank you for- (The last few poem I read were a little hard to work out punctuation wise, making it hard to edit.)

Little kid falls in well for 33rd time;
Is this a new world record?

I feel like 'little kid' would sound better as 'boy'. If it's a news crew, they probably wouldn't use words like 'little' because it can mean so many things. (Preteen are little by comparison to teens, toddlers by comparison to kids, etc.) Little kid is just to... general. Older people might say 13 is a little kid, younger people might say 2.

And for goodness sake,
Somebody get that damned dog,
To shut the hell up!

The speaker is getting annoyed here and I doubt they would say 'goodness sake' only to have is closely followed by 'damned dog' and 'shut the hell up'. Change it to 'god's sake', keep with the mood.

This was a joy to read. Keep up the good work!

-ChocolateCello




TheSilverFox says...


Hey, thanks for the review! I'm glad you like it! :D

I agree with your suggestions, and I've changed them accordingly. I like them; they make the poem flow a little better, and define some of the terms I use a little better. Ironically, the original version of my poem says "God's sake," but I thought it might not be so appropriate when I was trying to post the work so I changed it. Sorry about that. XD




It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314