z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hungover The Open Flames

by TheSilverFox


I am no longer a fan of
Propane tanks and barbeque grills,
Because there's nothing like coming home,
After a long and tiring day of work,
(Brewing beer isn't as fun as it sounds)
To find smoke pouring out the door,
And high into the sky,
Or hearing the shouts of big, burly firemen,
When they rush to your car saying,
"Was that your house?"
"What happened to make it burst into flames?"
And watching fire hoses soak every inch of your home,
Trying futility to douse the massive inferno,
While you can only just sit and stare,
Upset that the leftover hot dog in the fridge
Will now have to go to waste,
Receiving no consolation from angst-filled firemen
For your lack of cooperation,
Because these tired people apparently don't like it,
When you try to seize one of their fire hoses,
And man it yourself.
(Those policemen sure didn't like it either)

...I miss that hot dog...

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127 Reviews

Points: 221
Reviews: 127

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Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:30 pm
Konijn wrote a review...



Hello! Tigerlilly here on this fabulous review day!

I would like to start off by saying I found this poem very interesting. It speaks of a topic most people don't talk/write about, which I really enjoyed. One thing I found interesting was the hot dog. Of all the things, the narrator is upset over the leftover hot dog. Perhaps this has deeper meaning, or maybe its just simply a funny aspect to the poem. Regardless, I like it.

I'm not really sure I would fix anything. I really like the flow of the poem and the way you punctuated it. The capitalization seems to fit well and the vocabulary is sufficient. Good job!

Overall, this is an excellent poem and I really enjoyed it. I look forward to reading more of your works, so keep writing!




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70 Reviews

Points: 9
Reviews: 70

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Fri Oct 23, 2015 5:56 pm
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Pan wrote a review...



To start off, this is pretty funny. 'Hate' is funny too, but not in the same way.

I feel like this one delves deeper into the satire aspect- whereas the other is slightly more dramatically poetic, the way you described the eyes, the beach, the everything. It lacks that snazz of humor that really defines satire.

I love how the narrator's freakin HOUSE is on fire and they're worried about a hotdog- that's satire. It's funny, because it's bizarre. And the way they take the hose- I would assume the firemen would yank it back angrily. I would. Those things are dangerous.

I also love the impact of the last statement- "...I miss that hot dog...", because it suddenly switches the viewpoint and the reader is thinking "Oh man, they're talking about something that actually happened!"

However, despite the fact that it does give impact, the sudden shift throws me off- I don't expect it to go from 2nd to 1st, and it's entirely personal, I still like the way it's shifted like that.

Another thing is how the poem is spaced- 'Hate' was broken up into stanzas, and you say to read that first, so I think both should be in stanzas, it makes more sense.
I get that it gives a little diversity or whatever, but it's another throwoff that might bug some readers.

Maybe space it out (and hey, maybe you already did, but formatting is being a jerk) a little...

This has been pan with your review- have a good day, and continues being awesome.

As always, read, review, write!

-Pan





Nothing is impossible, for the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'
— Audrey Hepburn