Hi there SilverFox! Niteowl here to review!
First off, I have to say as someone who studied Spanish for many years that "Estan un familia centro personas." sounds like gibberish to me. Often, if you try to translate word-for-word like that, it will sound weird thanks to the varying word choice and grammar rules. Granted, I'm a bit rusty, but I think a better way to say this is "La gente se enfoca en la familia" (literally: "The people focus on the familia").
No ser usa para perozoso tiempo!
So this is grammatically incorrect as well. A better phrasing would be "No hay tiempo para pereza!" (There is no time for laziness).
Now, on to the poem itself. I agree with a previous reviewer that it felt long. I think the length made the rhyme scheme harder to maintain. Some were fine while others seemed forced. Consider cutting some of the forced rhymes.
Do not let time be the maker of your fate,
Nor the lackadaisical hound be the contriver of your abate
-tion, for in the end,
Like this. If you have to break up a WORD to make your rhyming work, that's a sign that it is not working.
I'm also not sure I understand the purpose of the Spanish words. It just feels really gimmick-y to me.
More to the point, I'm really confused as to the main message of this piece. At first, it seems like you're depicting a do-this-do-that-don't-be-late society as a bad thing, but then you say don't be lazy. If we're not resting and enjoying our lives ever, are we not doing just what the MC does at school?
Let us not be lazy, when we can be alive,
Let us not be too busy, when we can be inteligente.
First off, are these two lines supposed to rhyme? Alive has a long i song (like hive), while inteligente has a long-a (Spanish e) sound at the end. Not even close.
I'm also not sure I see busy and intelligent as opposites. Clarify that.
The use of the "Ben Franklin" quote is strange. If you mean Time is money (Spanish: El tiempo es el dinero.), it seems to contradict your point. "Time is money" is a saying often uttered by the proponents of the very lifestyle you're critiquing. It suggests that we should be busy all the time, always doing something, always working. It seems like you're trying to say the opposite, that we shouldn't be wasting our time "being busy", but rather enjoying what time we have. Overall, figure out exactly what you're trying to say, because it's not coming across very well.
To end on a positive note, I really liked your refrain.
Overall, you have a lot of interesting ideas, but the rhyme scheme and contradictions are making them unclear. Keep writing!
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