z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hate Is Soooooooooo Cliche

by TheSilverFox


His eyes were the blue
Of an immense, deep ocean.
But, as I told myself,
Not the kind that I'd swim in.

They were more murky depths,
Lifeless, misty, coated
With rot and decay,
Strewn with the bodies
Of hordes of lifeless animals.

The two were plastered on a
Bleached, boring beach,
Unblemished by any rocks,
With two large protrusions
Of Mongolian Death Worms.

I hated him at first sight.

But, of course, given my luck,
He had to walk up to me,
With a great, genuine smile
On his big, worthless face;
I was completely, wholly enraged.

So I hit him right where it hurt,
Gave him the 'live long and prosper' sign,
Shouting "Auf Wiedersehen!"
At his rapidly retreating figure;
I had succeeded magnificently.

Yes, there is an important lesson
To this amusing tale of pain;
I have absolutely zero friends,
And now I know exactly why.

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5 Reviews

Points: 609
Reviews: 5

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Fri Oct 09, 2015 3:32 pm
kyyyyyy wrote a review...



Hey TheSilverFox,
I love your poem! I read it multiple times. If you wanted to make any changes to this poem or you want some ideas for your next poem, I have some advice for you.

I hated him at first sight.

- Explain why you hate him. Give details about him and what makes you hate him.

Auf Wiedersehen!

-Explain what this means and why you used it.

His eyes were the blue
Of an immense, deep ocean.
But, as I told myself,
Not the kind that I'd swim in.

- I absolutely loved the first stanza of your poem. It was said so beautifully and described so well. I like the comparison to the ocean.

Great Job!




User avatar
508 Reviews

Points: 7993
Reviews: 508

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Fri Oct 09, 2015 3:05 am
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Que wrote a review...



Too bad I'm reading this one first. :P :)

Hey Silv!
This poem is quite.... Wow. Rather indescribable, actually.

Ok, the first stanza is cool because it's comparing eyes to an ocean, which has been done many times before. I like how you end the stanza by talking about swimming in the ocean and then continuing that metaphor through the next stanza. It gives me a pretty good image of those eyes, and some foreshadowing about the person they belong to.

The two were plastered on a
Bleached, boring beach,
Unblemished by any rocks,
With two large protrusions
Of Mongolian Death Worms.

This was quite interesting. I wasn't sure what you meant by "the two" in the beginning- the two eyes? It's not very clear. Also... Protrusions of Mongolian Death Worms? (I had to look them up XD) I think that they could protrude, but a protrusion of death worms doesn't make much sense to me.

So I hit him right where it hurt,
Gave him the 'live long and prosper' sign,
Shouting "Auf Wiedersehen!"
At his rapidly retreating figure;
I had succeeded magnificently.

...that's a pretty awesome reaction. I might go with "shouted" rather than shouting, but other than that it looks good. Very entertaining!

The last stanza sums this up pretty nicely. After the previous stanza, it comes through as almost brutally honest after a bit of craziness, I like that it ends this way.

Overall, this was really good and funny as well! Maybe I'll read your other one now?

Live long and prosper!
~Falco





People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage