Young Writers Society

Alright Mr. New Mod,

Right off the bat, I expected better from you. I know this was meant to be a humorous poem but come on, that only got me to exhale through my nostrils ever so slightly. I know by calling you Mr. New Mod at the start you are probably thinking I’m going to shred your work apart and be extra mean and everything but no, I’m only pointing out the obvious.

So let’s start with the many cons before sparkling a bit of pros on it to make it look less harsh.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m counting around 13 verses or lines under one sentence. That Sir, is called a run-on sentence and a couple of commas here and there won’t cure the problem. The easiest way to figure this out is if you can’t say the sentence in one ordinary breath then it’s a run-on, assuming it has no grammatical errors of course.

So you’re talking about birds flying into the sky in such a way that in fills you up with freedom and I get all of that, I felt it too but then I was dumbstruck when I suddenly read ‘blue oceans’ and ‘ascend’…. So I’m guessing you’re calling the skies blue oceans? It’s kinda confusing and now that I’ve read the poem a couple of times, I’m sad to say that it’s still confusing. Could it be just me? Maybe I’m just too slow to get it.

Since there’s no specific structure to this I’m not really gonna comment on it but I would like to say if you’re trying to go for that humorous feel before ending the poem like that all of a sudden, I suggest adding some silly rhymes here and there and a cute syllable count/flow to it, it’ll compliment the idea of a joke in the end.

Last of the cons is this: ‘Those fluffy blankets of comfort’ I didn’t like the description here, I don’t really know why but comfort there just didn’t fit for me. Try rewording the verse.

Pros would be that hey! This is a poem that changed my mood a bit. It got it’s almost deserved chuckle and HEY! It got something nice. The second to last line, the one in bold letters, that was an okay touch, made me focus a bit more only to destroy me with the very ‘humorous’ ending. Umm, what else… The title! Yes! The title’s level in trolling was superb, it managed to excite me into thinking the poem would be emotional and teenage drama and remind me of my younger times but no, it did the exact opposite, I applaud you for levelling up your trickery level. Congratulations. Keep writing! Seriously next time. And yeah, wasn’t bad at all mate.

Hi!
I really liked your poem! It gets the point across really concisely - and it was short enough not to put off readers from reading it. One thing, that for me was the only flaw, was the very last line where you said "don't daydream while driving, kids." I think the message is clear enough as it is, and it takes away so much from the magical and slightly mysterious warning the poem seems to project.

Otherwise, I felt really drawn and entranced by the main body of the poem. I think words like "ascend" and "soar" and the allusion to angels with the "shining white wings" really gets the reader daydreaming like what you were referring too. Until the reader comes crashing down with you when you mention the car driving down the road. I like how you highlighted "heading right for you". It makes the reader panic as much as whoever was in the poem.

I really loved it!
Tick tock

I was NOT expecting that to go in the direction that it did and I applaud you. Many people do look up to the sky and think of such things, I know I do. But usually not while driving!

A pair of shining white wings

You know - the one driving down the road