I remember, so many days ago,
When you couldn't hold on.
The top of the blender flew off,
And spilled food everywhere.
We used to laugh about it,
Laugh long and hard all day.
One of the fun stories repeated,
'Till starry skies enveloped us.
Those were the good days,
When we were just two children.
The world was our oyster,
And we were so eager to shuck it.
So, imagine my surprise, when came
that day you were laid to rest.
Your long will was finally read,
And of the money I recieved none.
What the hell?
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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
I don't give out grammar errors and such because, well I suck at those myself so who am I to say what your doing wrong if I can't fix my own myself. So I'm gonna avoid those while I tell you what I thought.
It was amazing, there I said it, I loved your poem it gives off great imagery and those who have been in that situation can relate greatly to it. I loved everything that you put into this poem it was thrilling amazing, I want to keep reading it over and over again.
I am going to read more of you writing, and if I ever run out care to send me your grocery list because I would read those to.
I actually liked this work, but I do think there are fields that you need to work on. I can tell you were probably trying to mimic the usual satire you see on this site, a contrast of depression and humor, but it just didn't execute well. You made it a bit too cartoonish for my pleasure, you know? I would find this a lot of funnier if I didn't see the intentional depression in this. In depressing poetry, they don't mean to be depressing. This just felt faux, but I do enjoy the lines, format, and breaking!
thanks.
Splendid!
It kinda bummed me out how you never ended a verse by making the last line rhyme with the others, but I am not one to follow the traditional structure religiously, so F it. Besides, the dry ending was more than enough for me.
I would like to know though if there is a real story behind these nonsensical lines; it must be quite a hoot. One so dry it would crack the skin on my cheeks while I'm laughing.
Ten for creativity and humor.
Hello!
The first thing I noticed about this was the formatting. It's very space-y and that makes it more difficult to read online. Have you tried the shift+enter trick for a lesser space between lines? Then you can just use regular enter for stanza breaks. Or there's a guide on YWS somewhere that can tell you how to do it with html or whatever, but I've never needed that.
As for the poem itself... pfff. That ending tho.
I like the very dry humor in this. I think the way you ended was perfect for the content.
One thing, when you said "will" my eyes kinda jumped over it. It's a short word usually used in a different context such as "I will do this or that." So I think you need to put more emphasis on it, because it's rather important to understanding the ending. I suggest saying something like, "you long last will and testament was read" or you could even cut out the word "long.
I also wish that at the end there was some sort of reference to the blender incident, so that the poem could come full-circle. Why else talk about the blender thing then? What was the purpose? I can't really see it.
You sky/star thing was kinda cliche, but passable, especially for a humorous poem like this. I get that you were trying to be dramatic. If you're going to go for that, go ALL THE WAY. That way, it'll be much more effective.
"shuck" feels like a weird word to use. But I don't know what else to suggest.
I hope my review helps somewhat.
Keep writing!
~fortis