Waving afar, beyond fields
Of nuclear waste and
Worthless warheads scattered
Over smothered grasses
And bowed, black trees,
With a flower here and there,
Their one-eyed glares
Stabbing as they lay
In the middle of pools
Of bubbling, green poison,
They scorching the beaten earth
And eating, rusting metal
With a furious vengeance,
Because of nature's calling
To wipe out the last
Of the scorned race, it pleads,
Two figures dash over
The horror-stricken land,
Calling with eagerness
And outstretched hands,
Preparing to grasp the other
In absolute joy.
But lo! One is gone!
Having trampled a flower,
He invoked the others wrath;
He is nothing save ashes.
"Dammit,"
The other thinks.
And then a nuke explodes.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
Hey Silver,
I saw that you called this "polished nonsense" in the description. I don't think it's really that, because you can definitely take a message from this.
So the first part was really pretty in rather a morbid way, your descriptions are quite stunning. If you wanted to, some periods or more definite ending punctuation might help to separate ideas.
I don't think you want to use they here. With the last line, I don't think they're fits very well either. I would go with something more like "The scorched beaten earth" or something past tense like that. A specific thing that's scorching the beaten earth would probably work too.
I think you could make a separate stanza for where the two people are running together, because that's a major idea shift.
Ok. I liked the ending, and it was very powerful, but not necessarily the last two stanzas themselves. You totally change the language when you say "Lo" and "invoked". It's a rather confusing stanza as well. Who's wrath did he invoke by stepping on a flower? Saying others (it should also be other's) I'm thinking that it's the other person, but it makes more sense for nature to kind of want revenge on him for that. Also, he's ashes before the nuke explodes? Hmm and then you use other again- this one must be referring to the other person. I think you could be a bit more specific with the others, and maybe just try to make these last two stanzas a bit more clear to support the strength of the last line.
Overall, this was very beautiful! (And deadly~) I love your poems, Silv.
-Falco
What just happened? This confused me with just the title! Methinks We're In Trouble. I was like, "Wait, What?"
This was really good. I like the way everything fit. It was kinda fascinating, and enjoyable. I was not sure if the title was going to build in, and lo and behold! There we go! I love the last line,
"And then a nuke explodes."
My my best friend, has a huge fear of nukes. He is constantly talking about it, and always explaining he theory. That could just be joking (It is,) But I find it entertaining.
Thank you for the poem Silver, can't wait for more!
~PerfectWeapon