Young Writers Society

What a great way to end the first stanza: "Damn fine day to be dead, huh?"

I love this guy's f&*k-all attitude (sorry; I don't know if this review editor thing has a censor or not... ironic, given the point I'm trying to express). Even if the group of people with such attitude includes the nasty Donald Trump, I still find literary characters like this compelling.

His attitude acquires a layer of poignance when it's revealed that he's suffered house foreclosure. A very current, very pervasive 21st century fear.

The way I understand it, the worst possible has happened to this character, and he's not interested in keeping up the pretenses any longer. There's a kind of joy and relief in that shucking off of responsibility, and you expressed that well.

My favorite lines come in the last stanza: "Yes, the sky's never been so blue, and I've never had so much joy before." Though he's lost ownership of his house, I feel he's got a new lease on life, in a sense.

Haunting work. Well done.

Told the fellows hearts as so easy to break

Ninetales <3

This will be brief because, in the realm of what you've shot for, you've delivered a package that quite thoroughly does the job of bringing the message to us. And so now we, the readers, take away the soul-inspired notion that there are things to be optimistic about in the world regardless of our troubles.

And that's a freakin' great message. And I won't condemn this for being simple because I am a fan, reader, and writer of simple poetry. Most of my writing is just romantic--and that's it. So with that in mind, I want to praise you for delivering so well. Of course, there are some ways to improve, so muscle through this with me.

Firstly, stanzas three and four are completely useless and need to be reforged into more substantial material. What you're looking at are two stanzas dedicated to just describing the notion of homelessness and then describing the house that isn't supposed to matter. What would be more effective is to delve into an actual scene where the narrator lived a happy life in the house. A lover, parent, kid, any sort of connection that brings the reader closer to your narrator. It's a core component that's missing, and I think it brings your potency down drastically. In fact, that's my major critique of this entire piece! I don't feel connected to the narrator, and I don't particularly care for him.

I like the notion, though. So your sentiment and core components are solid. But in editing, it's best to give tender love and care to proper characterization of each element of your poem. Remember that all elements within the confined space of your lines are inherently connected by their juxtaposition. In this train of thought, you can pull off a much more potent poem by adding elements of emotion that make the reader think: "There's so much lost, but look at how beautiful the sky is; look at how much there is to live for."

That's how you pull off something incredible. Ultimately, this entire piece is a matter of adjusting perspective, and I quite enjoy it. I just think that your skills are capable of bringing out more. Much more.

Message me if you want to discuss this further.

Ty

I like it.great keep up the good work.

meester Silver, you iz a poet!

I love how simple this is! Honestly, you just put out a story and ya take one look at it and bam, add a last sentence that repeats. O_O I liek it.

Anywho, the last sentence is a but clunky but I understand how hard it can be.

Well, that's all I have to say, I seriously don't do reviews though I really like poetry so \.3./