The Shadow Within- Chapter Four, The Discovery

by ThatOneGuy2002

Published November 13, 2018

12+

In The begginings of something great

           The clicks of droplets chime, not unlike music. I can hear them, feel them, even see them. I invision their cool streams of moisture, hugging to the stalactites of the ceiling with long, streaming arms. As their burden becomes too much, they flee, leaving behind their own being, free falling unto the stone floor...Plip....Plip....Plip......

         So much like that day. I sigh unto the ground, the cold floor soothing as I move my limbs from the warmth that accumulated in my sleep. I lay for a moment, listening to the chorus of falling water. "Was that me?" I whisper. The voice fades into the surrounding darkness. It had felt so real.

             I push myself to my knees, and I stretch. Amazingly, the soreness has left my body. Its surprising how much a rest on the cave floor can replenish the body. I look around, and face the darkness. Only, now it doesn't seem quite so dark. The familiar blanket seems rather soft on my skin.

            Fantasy or reality, I realize that the period of rest has come to an end. I stand, shifting my weight between my legs, seeking a point of balance. This takes a while, making me wonder to how long I actually lied on the floor. Finally, my feet find grip, and I move my legs, though it takes a few moments longer to effectively walk. After a few more however, I am awake. I wipe the sleep from my eyes, also to the extent of familiarity. Was that a memory? I cry into my mind. The story I played through did not vanish like a dream as it passed.

           Instead the events took grasp on me. I could feel the movement as I walked, feel the cleansing of an autumn day, as if I had only just experienced it. If these truly are reality, there lies only one question left in the dark. What am I doing here? My impatient mind yells into a black and blank void. As always, there is an echo, short lived and distant, as it is stalked by silence and promptly executed.

                The shout calms me down. It confirms that speaking will progress me no further. I pluck my weapon from off the ground I had stepped from. "Awaken." I say, building upon the bond of a wanderer and his blade, a master and his faithful servant. The curved, glassy blade wakes from his slumber. A soft ember spreads throughout the hearth, until the rippled ebony borders the glow. I continue walking, for some reason or another uncomfortable with the step away from anonymity, though by light is the only hope for a step further.

               A few steps in, a sudden abnormality of a shape comes into view ahead of me. The view flattens, another flat ground defying the pull of gravity. A wall, enscribed with the pattern on the original wall I followed, but also with more unfamiliar runes. I continue forward. The glow that reflects off this wall continues to grow with the shrinking distance. I continue to close it.

               It is a dark grey building, an asylum of sorts. I search the perimeter for a doorway. After encircling a few of the walls, I find an entrance, a smaller pocket of the pitch black void. Before entering, I consider my options. My instincts tell me this is not safe, the emptiness stares at me with eyes from anywhere and everywhere. However, I suppress my instincts. This may be dangerous, but it is also the only way to receive answers. Besides, the only other option is to walk on, and who knows how far the next checkpoint from nothingness might be? 

                               Slowly and warily, I enter.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Feb 4, 2019

Hwy, I never realized that you came out with more chapters! I know that you're on hiatus right now, but hopefully, if you come back then this review will be of some help. Let's jump in!

So much like that day. <- This sentence should be italicized. It's the first of many thoughts that you have written into this chapter, and yet none of them are italicized. It's typically proper in literacy to do this or else it becomes confusing when someone is thinking in their POV, or it is a narrator's statement. I sigh unto the ground, the cold floor soothing as I move my limbs from the warmth that accumulated in my sleep. I lay for a moment, listening to the chorus of falling water. "Was that me?" <- so you do this a couple times as well. Having quotations in the middle of a paragraph can be confusing, and it doesn't look as clean, so just go ahead and start a new line when a new line of dialogue is introduced. Just like the italicized quotes comments, you have a couple quotations that you repeat this with. I whisper. the voice fades into the surrounding darkness. It had felt so real.


So the whole ordeal of getting up from the vision, or memory, or whatever it was, took a decent amount of time that just kind of felt like it dragged on. I'd suggest narrowing down some of those sentences.

A few steps in, a sudden figure comes into view ahead of me.

So, this may just be me, but when I read this sentence I took "figure" to mean that there was another person or animal there, and it wasn't until I re-read the paragraph a few times that I understood what you were doing. I would just suggest changing the word "figure" to something else.

~ Messy

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2018

Hey hey,

Shady back with another review for you. I totally didn't notice when I reviewed for you last night that you had more chapters posted in the Green Room. As I'm still on my Review Day quest to vanquish the Green Room in honor of the Red Team, I'll jump on this chapter as well. You're already familiar with my reviewing style, so let's jump right in...

I invision their cool streams of moisture, hugging to the stalactites of the ceiling with long, streaming arms. As their burden becomes too much, they flee, leaving behind their own being, free falling unto the stone floor...Plip....Plip....Plip......


You've really got a strength in imagery. It'd be easy to say that the droplets of water were falling to the ground -- but instead you really go all out, engaging multiple of your reader's senses. It really makes reading the section richer, and it's very good. Well done!

"What am I doing here?!" My impatient mind screams into a black and blank void.


So, a couple of things that I want to say about this. The first is a matter of opinion, but one that I hold strongly. I'm really not a fan of multiple punctuation marks. It just seems a bit... I dunno, trashy? Just like the author didn't bother to add in enough descriptors to get the emotion across, and is therefore relying on punctuation to do it for them. I'd suggest leave the question mark and nix the exclamation mark. The "screams" in the tag immediately after kind of conveys the desperation that the exclamation mark had.

The other thing I wanted to say was more of a stylistic matter. Typically, it's recommended that thought be italicized. With the way you wrote it I thought the narrator was actually shouting that, but with the "impatient mind" part in the tag, it kind of seems like a thought rather than a piece of dialogue. If you make thoughts italicized, then that makes it pretty clear that they're thoughts and clears up a lot of that confusion.

~ ~ ~

Okay! I think this was a good chapter. You definitely have a lot of mystery and intrigue, and as I mentioned, your descriptions are absolutely wonderful. However, now I've read two chapters, and I still have no idea what's going on plot-wise in your story.

I mean with the (presumable) flashback at the end of the last chapter it seems like it's a fairly modern family -- but everything about this chapter screams fantasy and questing. And I don't really know who your main character is or what he wants or what his goal is. Since your chapters are super short you have a lot of wiggle room to play around with adding in more information about the plot.

I think that's all I have for you now! On my way to your next chapter to rescue it from the Green Room!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
ashrenee0909 Review
ashrenee0909 wrote a review Review · Dec 19, 2018

Hello! Ash here for another review...

There aren't many works I've read where the beginning really catches my attention as yours does. The placement, and use of your story, it really caught my attention. So Bravo to you for that. But there were a few mistakes here and there throughout the story I noticed, and I am here to help you with that!

"I whisper, the voice fades into...." Here, you don't need the comma after whisper.

"Its surprising how..." Here, you should have an apostrophe in "it's"

"...much a rest on the cave floor..." Here, I would get rid of the a so that the sentence makes more sense.

"...can replinish the body." You used an I instead of an E in Replenish.

"I look around, and face..." Get rid of the comma here.

"Only, now it doesn't seem quite so dark" Same here. No comma needed!

"...making me wonder to how long..." The to, needs to be too.

"...I actually lied on the floor." Change Lied, to laid.

"...a few more however, I am awake." Get rid of the comma

"...feet find grip, and I move my legs,..." here, I would get rid of the comma, and change move to moved.

To better help you in the future as there are more, use this website. "https://www.scribens.com/" It'll help with minor things like those.

Have a Happy Holiday!

Sincerely,
Ash

Hey, thanks! Im a bit of a noob when it comes to grammatical technicalities, so I can definitely use these tips. Thanks for the review, and im glad you liked the story! :3



Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk