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Young Writers Society


12+

The Shadow Within- Chapter Three; The Vision

by ThatOneGuy2002


             A single step adds up to nothing on its own, but multiple steps have the capability to take you somewhere. However, i'm having a difficult time finding out just how many it will take to get somewhere where these patterns are not in sight. Hours have passed, marching into the ominous darkness, keeping one hand on Keiro's cold handle, and the other on the infinite wall, flawless, save for the odd patches of cracks here and there. My body is sore and aching, my legs have a growing tremble of exhaustion.

              The adrenaline was all that was fueling me, but now it is officially out of my system, gone away with the time of emergence. I may collapse at any moment, but I want to get as far away from danger as I possibly can. However, its just as likely that I am heading into it. Curse this vast world of darkness. 

                My entire body complains to my brain for making this decision. As I make one more set of the repetitive movement, my foot clings to the ground, an unexpected movement that my foot failed to communicate to the rest of my body. I let myself collapse, my chest relieved to greet the ground, my legs freed from the restless burdens of weight. I fall asleep before I hit the ground.

                I woke up with the light of dawn seeping through the window next to the red on white sheets of my bed that I wake up to each morning. The smell of cold air stings with a wonderful scent, sending a light burning, yet more so refreshing sensation through my nose, which I have always attached with happy memories.

                My mouth gapes into a yawn, and I toss my sheets aside, preparing to heave myself out of the warm and slightly creaking bed. I look into the mirror, and greet my sullen, but very cheerful face with a good morning. Funny, I always forget my appearance. Darkish hair, with a long and slightly chiseled face. It always feels like meeting someone for the first time.

                     Without a second glance into the strangers blue-grey eyes, I rush down the stairs after turning the corner that leads into it, paintings and portraits and whatnot askew, and scattered about, in a way that does nothing but blend them in.

I skip a few steps going down, and land with both feet on the cold tile, still warming in the suns soft glow, just to cool down again after midday.

                  "Good morning!" I summon up my best spirits, directing my voice to the general dining room, where it is met by the audience consisting of my parent and sibling. My dad is on his laptop, a silver coating familiarly associated with the plain white mug, which now resided in my dads left hand. My brother, Jonathan sat next to him, spritefully eating a bowl of cereal.

                   My mom was missing from the scene, as usual, probably getting what sleep she could find, as she usually wakes with the baby, maple. My older sister, Tamera was most likely asleep as well, though her only excuse was being a junior in high school. 

                 I took a seat across from the others, my usual placement among the six seats, routinely the six of us sat in at mealtimes. I skipped breakfast, as usual, and basked in a moment of no task in particular. "Sleep well?" I asked my dad, though almost rhetorical, I could see the bags under his eyes, he probably substituted a good half of the nights rest with work. "Mm-hm" is the response, obviously an answer to a question not paid attention to. Jonathan and I share a laughing glance as he finishes off the milk in his otherwise empty bowl. He always pours too much.

                  I stretch out myself in my chair, exhaling as my sore body exposes its pressure points to my senses. A mix of jiu-jitsu and fencing practice always takes a heavy toll, but it also rids of any problems falling asleep. I turn to look out the window, inbetween a large fridge and some cabinets. The sky, partly taken up by the trees, mostly pine and conifer, is completely overcast.

                Most would find a gloomy set of weather in this, but seeing the different shades of dark blue and grey in ripples has always lifted my spirits. I put on the light grey jacket that I always set out in the mornings, and immediately unfurl the sleeves of my T-shirt underneath, possibly one of the most annoying hazards of clothing. Next I throw on the heavy camo backpack, a gift from my last birthday, which is dangerously close to the first day of the school year. Luckily, that was long ago, and most students are well into the school year. I glance at the clock, mostly to get my brother to look, so I could leave the news to tell. "Time to go dad" he says, just as I knew he would. "Ok." Is his reply. 

                   He slowly gets up and grabs the keys ready for him on the counter, a convenient little spot. He stops himself before opening the door, and puts his laptop in his computer bag. 

                  He pauses. "Aren't we waiting on Tamera?" He says sleepily. "No, its saturday." I remind him, taking care to soften my voice, I don't need to be stern and add to his stress. "Oh." He mumbles. "Right.", and without another word, he opens the door.

                   I follow behind my brother and shut the door. Droplets of water sprinkle off the door frame and on to my head. I take a moment to stare into the misty sky. Thunder softly harmonizes with the chorus of drips from the tree leaves. Days like this always seem filled with infinite possibilities, hidden in the infinite blanket of shrouding mist. I take a breath, and then catch up to my Dad and Jonathan, already in the car.

                    I take a seat by Jonathan in the tan-ish mini van we take for rides. I slide the door shut, and droplets fly on impact as it slams shut. I carry my backpack in my lap, which consists of everything I need. I strap up and we head down the road, ready to go. I look out the window with the enchanting view in my eyes. "Its going to be a great day." I whisper.


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935 Reviews


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Sun Dec 30, 2018 5:45 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hello!

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team. My style tends to be making comments as I read about things that stand out to me (both positive and negative!) and then giving a general summary at the end of what I thought about the piece. Let's get started...

A single step adds up to nothing on its own, but multiple steps have the capability to take you somewhere. However, im having a difficult time finding out just how many it will take to get somewhere where these patterns are not in sight.


Wow! You have a very engaging first paragraph. I like the depth of thought you put in here, and it made me feel a bit of a connection to your character right away, even though I'm just now jumping in and still don't quite know who the narrator is at this point. Well done!

Funny, I always forget my appearance. Darkish hair, with a long and slightly chistled face. It always feels like meeting someone for the first time.


Why? I mean, this might not be essential to the plot, but it seems like an odd thing to say. Most people don't forget what they look like, and certainly not to the degree of it feeling like a stranger. Did they recently change their appearance? Do they not have access to a mirror very often? It might be worth a line or two to explain this odd statement.

where it is met by the audience consisting of my parent and sibling


Why not just say dad and brother?

So... for the italicized portion as a whole... what is the point of it? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice little scene -- gives us a bit of characterization into the dad's personality for sure and information on the family as a whole. But I couldn't really figure out what the purpose of it was. Is it a dream? A flashback? What is its function in the chapter?

~ ~ ~

Okay! Overall, I really liked this. You had several grammatical and spelling mistakes scattered throughout, but I think the concept is really good. Clean it up a bit and it'd be even better!

I haven't read the first two chapters so I can't say much for the plot, but I do know that the first part definitely dragged me into the scene, and makes me curious as to what you're doing to your poor character lol.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Messenger says...


go read the first two chapters :)



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Fri Nov 02, 2018 8:27 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey Dude, here for a little reviewing on Friday Friyay
(as a side note before we begin, I like your title. I struggle with those a lot of the time, but from what I've read so far it seems like a good vague, interesting title for the time0being!

Hours have passed, marching into the ominous darkness, keeping one hand on Keiro,

I guess Keiro is the name of the dagger? I didn't catch that in chapter 2. Like, the MC whispered it, but I didn't realize it was the name of the blade. Maybe that's just me though. I would say that a simple way to clear up any confusion would be to change "keeping one hand on Keiro" to something like "grasping Keiro's cold handle in my hand". Your choice, just my suggestion

Curse this vast world of darkness.

I like this line! But I think you could change it to italics as a thought and it might make it carry some more weight since it's actually a specific thought from inside the MC's head.

I take a moment to stare into the misty sky. Thunder softly harmonizes with the chorus of drips from the tree leaves. Days like this always seem filled with infinite possibilities, hidden in the infinite blanket of shrouding mist.

I relate to this on so many levels. This is a lot of fall days back home, and I literally texted a friend the other day saying how I felt so creative and imaginative, and it was a morning exactly what you described here. Great lines.

Overall
I think this is a very interesting chapter. I like your choice of going italicized for the flashback. It does a nice job of alerting us that we're going back in time, without saying "I woke up 3 days previously before everything went down"
I think you do a good job of setting the mood and tone, and you skip the whole "here's how I get dressed every day" pit that a lot of people totally never make that mistake have fallen into on occasion.
I will say that this is interesting, because this was a very normal high-schoolish flashaback, with some good character involved. Obviously, our MC is concerned about others (he talks nicely to his dad) and he seems to have a positive outlook on life, like how he wakes up tired but happy. There's some tension with his dad's work it seems like. I will say that Jonathan seemed to get passed over after the initial mention of him.
I would say that I think some more dialogue would be nice, especially referring to what they are going to so early on a Saturday. If it's some sort of experiment or something (my guess on how our MC got into such a screwy situation) then let's hear about that. Our MC seems pretty hyped so let us get hyped with him by knowing a little bit more about what's going on. It doesn't mean you need to tell us your plot, but a little tease would be nice. And I think you missed an opportunity to get our MC's name in here. It's not as important with a first-person story because you can use "I" as much as you like.

I would say continue to pay attention to the tense. IT switched a few times, so keep working on reading through and trying to make sure you keep it present tense when necessary. Also, I would do a quick proof-read before posting to take care of some small spelling errors you had. There was nothing major though, just some words here and there. I would recomend adding the Grammarly extension to your browser. It's free but it's great. It helps me keep my reviews free from most grammattical and spelling errors.

~Messy






Alright, im glad that youve liked how the story has progressed. The hiding of the name was actually intentional, the why is what I will tell later C: anyways, ill keep you in tune with the next chapter.



Messenger says...


okay great!!! as I said, since it's first-person it's definitely not a huge deal




The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle