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Young Writers Society


12+

The Shadow Within- Chapter one; awakening.

by ThatOneGuy2002


        Light. A vibrant glow not unlike those that spotlight above well kept fields, shining during the time at which crowds gather to watch and partake in the stressful amusement that overrides things of less importance. However, there was also a great difference. This was a single, yet surrounding mass of blinding, white light. It seemed to be dimming down, yet with every tone of light that vanished, seemed to be substituted with a feeling. Hot, sharp, seething....It seems so familiar, growing in familiarity with every second, pain. My head is bursting. Mere seconds before it reached the boiling point, the pain starts to subside with the light, which was now on the verge of existence. In fact, it would seem the only permanent light is from far above, and can barely reach me in this place.

         This Place........where am I?.......the only answer that I receive is either inaudible, or silence, which I greatly hope is the latter. Company in a place such as this would be gruesome. I observe the walls around me, if they are walls. They could very well be just pitch black spaces of air that make up the surrounding abyss. My eyes are adjusting quickly however, and my senses increasingly sharpening.

            I seem to be in a cave of some sort, though if it is, its got to be the largest iv'e ever seen. Nothing solid is visible, except the ground around me, which I can barely make out. The pain stops at an aching point, and with a groan, I stretch my back, and come to the conclusion that its been a while since ive done so. I also conclude i must have fallen, I can feel the softened bruises of flesh all over me. A vibration cuts my thoughts short. A shuffling sound far to my right. I first tell myself its my imagination, but the me deeper inside says otherwise.

                   I look around me, and immediately i'm struck with a sense of overwhelming fear. A dark aurora surrounds me, filling my mind with a screaming whisper that takes by force my instinctual actions, whispering into my being one word. Run. I fly from the spot i was apparently lying down, and run toward a direction seemingly holding the most possible wall, or even better, exit. Everything blurs around me, even though there is not much that is not already blurred by darkness. Footsteps follow quickly behind, harmonizing with my own quick paced steps. The ground is apparently very solid, i note as i run. Nearly completely flat, with small piles of debris here and there- my thoughts are interrupted by the noise of steps quickening behind me, increasingly sounding less and less human.

              The startling effect of this awareness fuels me further, i sprint through the darkness, running faster than i would think possible, feeling the fatigue even as i start. I cant keep on like this.... I think to myself. A gargling noise from behind motivates me to keep on pace. I throw my arm forward, to keep momentum and gather anything i could use to outrun, and as i do my fingernail brushes ever slightly against something hard, cold, and apparently extremely durable and stable, as the instant agony of impact flashes through me, a split second later I am on the ground, the force of gravity evenly distributed among'st my body. I can feel my heart thudding inside my head, pulsating through my arms and legs, the current ending sharply at my finger tips, and then flowing back where the river can recourse. 

             I would have lied there and let my heart beat itself to shreds, had it not been for a low growl, barely detectable, as if instinct had overwhelmed the need to remain undetected, only for a split second. Adrenaline already coursing through the blood pounding my ears, i was up in an instant, my eyes darting hopelessly in the darkness. I can sense movement, closing in, stopping....then nearing even further, much like a cat, stalking the unaware prey.

          Not knowing what to do, i press against the wall that had knocked into me the force i had hit it with. Am i going to die here? My thoughts question me. I feel myself freezing up in fear and utter horror. No where else to go, no other possibilities to sift through, no other options. At that moment, i felt an object at my side. So closely and tightly placed at my hip that it felt like clothing. A small object, upon grasp a handle and holster could be identified....I pause. The air around me starts to pick up, impossibly, because there is no entrance for a draft. My stalker pauses also, and the motion drawing ever nearer ceases. 

          Whispers collect in my ears, an echo surrounding, seemingly close, yet very far..........."draw".........."unsheathe".......The voices establish a firmness as i grip the handle, and I pull out, cautiously, the object I already knew to be a blade. As i draw, a startled voice cries out in the dark, coming from a direction I was unready to defend from. Deep, heavy, stomps emitted with with an impossibly short lapse of time in between as i turn. Whatever has been toying with me is coming in for the kill.

               I grip what I hold in my hand, and it suddenly feels heavier, fills my hand. I remember this blade. It is valuable. It is a source of strength. And right now, my only chance for survival. My arm feels heavy and light at the same time. I swing, driving myself as I have many times, curving into the side of the thing that is not even attempting to conceal itself anymore. A howl of rage, a spark, and I know I have hit my target. The now blood-red blade glows, and i see, if only for an instant in the orange glare, a being of nightmares. The build of a big cat, scaled in a seemingly impenetrable coat of obsidian jet black armor, jaws lined with rows of hundreds of teeth, not unlike those of sharks and piranha.

             In that instant, our eyes met. Glowing, glaring, burning with a deep blood-red hatred. A look that alone could stop the heart of a grown man. 

          And then.......darkness.


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Tue Nov 13, 2018 1:46 am
HeinrichMonsees563 wrote a review...



Hey, this is your friend, and this is the first review that I am going to do. I really like the imagery that you have here in your first chapter. Overall you did a very good job at developing your main character who strongly resembles one of the main characters form a series called "Incarceron" (I suggest you read it, its really good and could give you ideas for the development of your character and how other characters react to his amnesia. my favorite part of this chapter is the part where he falls and the first thought he thinks is "Oh, Apparently the ground is very solid." It made me crack up. I think one of the things that I would suggest you do is to go back to the beginning of the chapter and develop a better hook. I really liked it because it had vibrant imagery, but as I was reading it the energy flow of the first paragraph got kind of convoluted. What I do when that happens is I read it out loud and usually, I can fix the flow and it will sound all right. Overall I really liked the chapter and I wish you well.
May writer's block never afflict your mind






Heeeey, ive actually read incarceron, your right on it being a good book. I suppose that I have taken a few ideas, as far as amnesia goes. However, you may find later that this will turn out a very different plot, thanks for the review. :3



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Wed Nov 07, 2018 10:24 pm
RowenaLynn wrote a review...



Hello! I really enjoyed this! your word choice kept me engaged the whole time. By the end, I really felt invested in the story and I wanted to know more. There are a few grammar/spelling errors, but those are easy fixes. The tenses were a little off - That's a really difficult thing and I struggle with it as well. One personal thing... "Am I going to perish here?"
For me, that felt a little weird just because most people don't speak like that, especially if they are in danger. Overall, I loved your story and will keep reading!






K, thx for the review. Im currently writing the fourth chapter.



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Mon Oct 29, 2018 8:48 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, welcome to YWS! If you need anything, feel free to shoot me a PM.
A couple notes that you may or may not find useful, but that's kind of how all reviews go, so here ya go.

1. Watch out for which tense you use. In this chapter, you go from past tense to present tense and back again. This happened multiple times, so I'm not going to point out any specific quotes. If you read the chapter out loud I think you will be able to catch a lot of those instances and fix them. If I were to pick, I'd say go with the present tense! It can be hard to do, but I thought it was terrific in this chapter. With how trippy this chapter is, it just adds to the chaos of really not having any clue what is going on, and since it's in present tense, we can't even rely upon everything the MC (Which I think first-person adds even MORE chaos) is seeing as being true reality because he's so confused.

2. When I say Chaos ^ I refer to that in a very positive sense. There is so much going on here with being is this weird plane of existence where it's very clearly not normal, and perhaps not even all real? You have so much description of everything, and yet because it is in some ways very vague description, I still felt just as lost as the MC. Because of my history with video games, my first mental picture was a mix of the loading screens in Assassins Creed.

3. Speaking about your description, I think it was good. However, I would watch out for some of your sentences. You have almost no sentences without multiple phrases and clauses. Short sentences add some nice variety. They also help with the reader to be able to have some moments where they only have to take in one idea at a time. Again, this chapter is a lot of the MC's continual consciousness running and so we're kind of getting everything going through his/her head. It wasn't a huge problem, but I would suggest possibly adding some more variety is at all possible.

4. Your description of this other being just out of sight was great. Your description at the end is terrific. I'm not gonna lie, I kind of just imagined a massive Cheshire cat, but with a little bit more anger and spooky vibes. I did like the allusion to a cat stalking its prey before you actually revealed that it was a cat. It was a good use of description without just telling us "there is a cat chasing him". Again, you are so much better than me with your wording of your MC's thoughts and feelings.

5. Your emotions were terrific. Basically, this whole chapter is the MC taking in new stuff, and yet I felt that there was great variety in this chapter. I feel like when I write all my emotions boil down to "his heart started beating faster" but I thought you enveloped a lot of emotions. What it felt like, what it looked like, and to that end the lack of real comprehension of surroundings, as well as feelings and whatnot.

6. I think your formatting could use some work. I personally use ellipses only when absolutely necessary. If you need to start a new line of thought just start a new line; you don't need to used ellipses. Also, when using qutations it is a lot easier for the reader if you just put the quote itself on a new line. It wasn't a huge problem siince there was very little dialogue, or mental dialogue, but I would suggest it for the future.

All in all I think there are a lot of positives to walk away from this. I am definitely interested in the story, so keep me updated as you post. I'll try to get to chapter 2 this week. Feel free to ask anything about the review (Whether you agree with me or not) :)

~Messy






Hey, thank you for the review. I was perhaps even confusing myself with the decision of wether to keep it past or present tense, as this is the first story of which I have attempted anything like this. You are spot on with the description, as well as the intended chaos, the character is purposfully stripped of his personality, as it is linked to the memories in which he has lost. Anyways, thank you so much for reading, and i will keep you up to date. :3



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Mon Oct 29, 2018 5:10 pm
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HollyM64 wrote a review...



Well this is cool! I love any story that is written first person and this is really well done. The pacing is good and you have a talent for building atmosphere and tension. I really like your writing style as well.

"A howl of rage, a spark, and I know I have hit my target. The now blood-red blade glows, and i see, if only for an instant in the orange glare, a being of nightmares."
I love this little bit, always a good tension builder, keeping the monster in the shadows is a super effective way to keep the reader in suspense and it's very effective here.

A few small grammar and spelling errors here and there but overall, really well written and very engaging. Nice work!






Thanks, I origonally wrote this a bit ago, I think that I did a poor job of translating it from where I wrote it dow, as I did it quickly. Thanks for the review though, and I hope to write some more on this later.




A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden