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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Shadow Within- Chapter two; The Dark Scale

by ThatOneGuy2002


                Chapter Two              

                     If the creature made any movements, it did so stealthily. The only noises I heard were my breathing, and the echoes of my breathing. I waited for what seemed like eternity, expectant of an attack at any moment. On observation, it seems I wounded the creature, it's slick blood still glazed the blade that I held tightly, the feel of the rippled handle familiar in my hand.

                     "Kiero" I whisper into the darkness, unsure of just why I had spoken, and the blade glows once again. A red glow, like the fading embers of a fire. No matter how many times you see it, it is nothing less than other worldly. The wall I see behind me in the light is what you would expect to see out of an ancient temple. Chiseled walls, though it seems only for decoration, a single pattern split into a smoothed wall, over and over again, until it dissipates into the darkness, along with the rest of the wall, just out of the lights reach.

             I feel something wet on my left foot, and upon further inspection, I realize there is a dark pool of blood soaking my shoe. Maybe i did more damage than I thought, I think to myself. After a minute something else also catches my eye. Scattered around the area is all of the material that was previously unknown. The "debris" that I had trampled while running from the creature was, in reality, the dried corpses, bones, and cloth that belonged to those who weren't as fortunate. 

                 A glint shines from the puddle as I raise my foot, one that is emitted from smooth glass and metallic objects. I shift to one knee and bend down, cautiously lowering my hand. I recognize the shape that had patterned the bestial coat of my hunter. I pick up the scale and wipe it on my pants. The scale does not bend under pressure. This seems anything but surprising, as the scale is not overlapped in my hand, but rather my fingers can barely even grip the perimeter, a monstrous size for a scale to be, no matter what it came from. 

            What happened here? I wonder. How many have died in this cave, or whatever this place is? And how the hell did I get here? After a moment of pondering the questions, I remained standing without answer. Not only did I not know how I got here, I had no memory at all before the moment I woke up.....I struggled to keep myself from panicking. 

                       "Ok" I said to no one in general. "Ok", answered the echoes. "Think" I thought to myself. "I must have some memories, or at least clues toward them..." The blade. I looked down at the glowing weapon still in my hand. The crimson haze seemed to be emitted from it, even though the blade itself was more of a pearl yellow, giving it the vanity of bright ivory. "Kiero" I said once more, and with a candle-like flicker, the blade answered me. I admired the curved outline, it's length putting the blade somewhere inbetween a sword and a large dagger. 

                      "Well", I spoke to my only company, "Might as well trudge on." Feeling much better, with some form of familiarity at my disposal, I walked on, fitting the dark, glassy scale into my pocket, where it straightened any creases. Using my only piece of memory, I put forth my beacon of light and set out for an escape, and if I were lucky, some answers. However, I had a feeling that I was better off left in the dark.

                    


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Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:29 pm
HeinrichMonsees563 wrote a review...



Hello again,

The first thing that strikes me is the way that the MC reacts to the things around him. He always reacts with some sort of inherent awe. Take for example the moment when he first realizes that there is blood soaking his shoe. "... I must have done more damage than I thought..." This allows us to see the first inklings of development taking place in the character. He is trying to see the limits and boundaries of his abilities and when he sees what he can do, he is astounded.

When he starts talking to his dagger, it sort of reminds me of the moment when the man in the film "Castaway" starts talking to 'Wilson' a volleyball that he finds floating in the ocean after his plane crashes into the sea, and he is marooned on an island. When I first saw him talking to the volleyball like that, it reminded me of the fact that all of us, as human beings need contact with other people and your scene has the same effect. The dagger is not only a dagger, it is the main characters one and only friend. In connection to that, since I know that you read Incarceron, the connection between the two books is a masterful finishing touch to a great chapter.

I also like how you put a lot of effort into your description of the MC's surroundings




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Thu Dec 20, 2018 5:58 am
artemis15sc wrote a review...



First, this piece had a really chilling aura, which I loved. And you are doing some fantastic things with word choice.

There were quite a few grammar mistakes, but most of them could be picked up with spell check. One quick note though, whenever you have dialogue, you need to have some form of punctuation within the dialogue. If the sentence is not complete, use a comma.

Ex: "Ok" I said to no one in general. "Ok", I was answered by the echoes.

Should be: "Ok," I said to no one in general. "Ok," Answered the echoes.

I change that last part because I noticed it was written in passive voice, and fiction should generally be written in active voice. Active voice means the subject is actively do the well, action. A rule of thumb to know if something is in passive voice, if you can attach the phrase "by zombies" to the end of the phrase and it makes sense, then it's in passive voice.

Overall my biggest problem with this was pacing. It felt slow, and even though the descriptions were beautiful and are necessary to make the seen come alive, you don't want them to bog down the story if they become excessive. For me, things should be really intense because that creature could be lurking anywhere, but I don't feel that intensity. I'm not saying your MC should be quaking in fear, but the conflict will come from not knowing where that creature is, and you don't want to lose that tension. So just try to keep the writing focused on that.

Right, that's all I got for you. Let me know if you have any questions!

-Art






Alright, thanks a bunch! Ill try to work on the things you said.



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Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:08 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for another review today because I am on a rolllll baby! xD

On observation, it seems I wounded the creature, it's slick blood still glazed the blade that I held tightly, the feel of the rippled handle familiar in my hand.

Can I just say that I loved everything about this line? I can? Cool. I love everything about this line. The "slick glaze" the "rippled handle" it just all reads beautifully in this sentence. Thanks to Grammarly, when I copied your sentence it pointed out that your "i" is not capitalized so there's something to fix real quick.

"Kiero" I whisper into the darkness, unsure of just why I had spoke, and the blade glows once again. A red glow, like the fading embers of a fire, no matter how many times you see it, it is nothing less than other worldly. The wall I see behind me in the light is something out of "Indiana Jones".

Grammarly says that "spoke should be spoken" and that "other worldly should be combined to be otherworldly". BTW, quick side note: you should totally download Grammarly. You can get a free version like I have that points out a lot of simple grammar mistakes like missing or necessary commas, misspellings and so forth. It's really great for having a quick editor that is better than Microsoft Word. ANYWAY

The reason I copied that paragraph is that the bold part is actually a run-on. There are a couple different ways to fix that, such as making the period before "again" become a comma, and then put a period "fire." That's how I would edit it. But that's your decision. Secondly, while I get what you mean by Indiana Jones, that is very much a generational connotation, and it may throw some people off. Although, that does place your story in this present real-life universe? Which I was not expecting.

So, did the creature leave him alone? Because I got the impression that it was about to pounce at the end of the last chapter, but it's basically nowhere to be seen in this one. And your MC doesn't even seem to be worried, as he is bending over to observe his surroundings. and talking out loud to himself (Which hey, I give him a pass after everything that he has no doubt been through) Anyway, I think you might be able to clear that up a little more.

Also, you did drop into past tense a couple times again. As previously suggested, just read through your chapter out loud and I think you will find the instances very quickly. And to that end, it might help you with some of those nearly run-on sentences that I've mentioned.
I am still very curious as to what's going on, where this person is, who he/she is, and why they are in a cave full of corpses with a hell kitty xD
Keep me posted.
~Messy






Ok, lol. So, yeah, i did screw up on that description of the wall, probably shouldnt have posted this chapter yet, as I was still conflicting with a good description most readers would get. Anywayz, hoping to do more soon, and thanks for the review!



Messenger says...


It's ok to post, even if you're unsure! That's what reviews are for %uD83D%uDE01





Arigh, thanks for catching that, does the replacement look better?




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451