z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Shadow Within- Chapter Five; The Building

by ThatOneGuy2002


             The inside is dark, cold, and moist. I walk as far from each wall as I can, the ceiling floating ominously above. Papers litter the ground, though almost all of them are deteriorated and left unreadable. A musty smell fills my nose as I explore, indicating the ancient age of this place.

              As I walk down the corridor of the entrance, another doorway comes in sight ahead. A few steps in what remains of the used-to-be double doors comes into the light. I hesitate. Do I dare to press forward? It isn't too late to turn back. I remind myself. After a moment, I step over the broken door, and enter a hall that divides into three paths. The walls are a grey plaster color, one of which one would expect to see inside hospital grounds. It gives off an uneasy feel, the opposite really of what one would expect to be first intended by the architects. Adding to the effect, the ceiling has begun crumbling, and the paint is etched off in random patterns.

                  I continue going straight, shuddering and pulling my arms closer to my sides as I pass the surrounding rectangular openings of emptiness. The walls are torn in areas, making visible the pipes that run like veins and arteries into the heart of the structure. The ones that stand exposed are heavily rusted, and some lie broken and crumpled on the floor, blending like sand into the rest of the debris. A ceiling fan, the blades broken, twisted, and rusted, lies crumpled in the corner as I turn.

              I feel a cold breath on my shoulder. When I turn there is only the usual darkness, but something seems off. A figure stays just out of reach of my peripheral vision as I turn, my head filling my already uneasy thoughts with paranoia. My knife seems more like a candle, I quicken my pace down the hall, so as to not let anyone or thing snuff it out. Who knows what would happen if I was swallowed by the infinite abyss of shade. Perhaps I would end up like the ruins around me.

            I walk faster. I don't get scared easily, but something definitely doesn't seem right. I pass rooms, their doorways have also broken down. I quickly look  through the openings as I pass. Huge amounts of space is taken up by them, the ceilings slightly outreach the radius of my light, and with it my view of anything beyond. The sides are taken up by metal desks, most of them propped to a side, their legs have rusted so that they cannot withstand much weight. At the far end lies an outstretched table, stretching from one wall to another, and connecting into the back wall. Laid scattered on it's surface are smaller pieces of equipment, some recognizable, such as microscopes and vials, but some seem very strange, syringes as well as twisted hunks of metal and glass. All of which however, are in very poor condition.

               The center of the room puzzles me. It consists of a conjoined structure of metallic and glassy cylinders, stretching to the ceiling. It seems almost like a lab, or some outlandish idea of one anyway. After staring for a moment, and piecing together what I can, I walk out. I'm desperate to leave, the pressure building up with the feeling of another presence.

                As I leave the room, I hear something behind me. A quiet exhale, no, more of a sad sigh. I quickly walk towards the way I came, the rips and tears in the walls familiar. I hear taps behind me, like nails brushing against metal. I walk faster.

         I'm getting close, I had traced a mental map of the turns and distances of which iv'e gone. A left. A sharp right down the corridor with a broken ceiling fan in the left corner. I'm almost there.

                   As I reach the original intersection of four hallways, I stop. My heart stops with it. The entrance is gone.

                     The four paths are now three, a new wall blocks the only way out.


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Mon Feb 04, 2019 8:40 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, here's one more review. If you ever get back and keep writing, please tag me :)

The walls are a classic plaster color, one of which one would expect to see at a hospital ground.

Maybe it's me, but I just didn't get this sentence at all. First, what is a plaster color? And, what does a hospital ground look like? I've not been to a hospital in a long time, but I just feel like if you related it to a color on the color wheel as well it would work better because I love what you do with the next sentence in relating it to the unease of a hospital.

I continue going straight, shuddering as I pass the surrounding rectangular opennings of emptiness. The walls are torn in areas, making visible the pipes that run like veins and arteries into the heart of the structure. The ones that stand exposed are heavily rusted, and some lie broken and crumpled on the floor, blending like sand into the rest of the debri.

This is simply a gorgeous description. One tidbit: debri should be "debris" and openings has a double N.

So he's going through a school, or a lab, or something shady. Doesn't that sound familiar to what he was doing in chapter 3? hmmm perhaps this is in his head and he's in one of those, pods? I guess you could call them. Very intriguing. I love the description of this place.
Good ending as well, a nice little twist to an anxious chapter.

I will say that you have many more grammatical errors than typical in this chapter so I would say to take a quick look at that before posting. I use grammarlyFree, an extension app on my browser which finds a lot of the spelling and punctuation errors. It's been a great little helper.
Overall I'm still intrigued. Let me know when more is posted.
~Messy






Hey, thanks for the review, sorry for the delay, I have been off for quite some time, just been really busy, but I think some time is coming for me to get back on and get to writing, and definitely editing all the errors in these chapters. Thanks for telling me what you think!



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Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:59 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey again Guy,

Shady back with another review for you, as promised! You're already familiar with my reviewing style and my quest to clear out the Green Room on behalf of the Red Team at this point, so let's just jump straight into the review, shall we?

A musty smell fills my nose as I explore, indicating the ancient age of this place.


I know I've already commented on this a few times, but I love the depth of your descriptions. I mean most people include sight in their descriptions and sometimes you even get sound. But you do such a good job of engaging our sense of touch and here even the sense of smell and I just love it. Great job there!

"It isnt too late to turn back." I remind myself.


Again, is this a thought or actual dialogue? Because it's not super clear with how you wrote it, but with the way it's written right now I have to think of it as dialogue, even though it seems more like it's supposed to be a thought.

It gives off an uneasy feel, the opposite really of which was first intended by the architects.


How do you know that? I know it's pretty nit-picky, but if this isn't an omniscient story, then how would you know that the architects didn't intentionally make it feel uneasy for the fun of it?

The walls are torn in areas, making visible the pipes that run like veins and arteries into the heart of the structure.


Ooh, I really like this. It's probably just my inner science nerd, but I really like the parallel that you used here.

~ ~ ~

Another good chapter! Honestly, I think this one is my favorite of the three that I read. It had plenty of mystery and intrigue, but I felt like I understood what was happening a lot more than I did in the previous two. And that cliffhanger that you left off on was quite ominous!

All around a great chapter! I did notice a few grammatical mistakes in this one as well, but the plot was nice and I absolutely adored the descriptions. Well done!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:28 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
I am definitely hooked into this and can't wait for more! I am going to jump right into this review, and I hope that you find it helpful.

There are only two sentences that could use a little bit of work.
First one:
"The walls are a classic plaster color, one of which one would expect to see at a hospital ground."
The only thing with this sentence is that the latter part is awkward to read. Maybe try something like this:
"The walls are a classic plaster color, the likes of which one would expect to see in a hospital."

Next one:
"I quickly walk towards the way I came, the rips and tears in the walls familiar."
This is also awkward to read. How about trying this:
"I quickly walk back the way I came.."
It's not so awkward that way.
I hope this helped some!






Alright, thanks for the review!




That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend