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E - Everyone

Not Always

by TZH


Not always the world is beautiful

Not always the mind is zestful

Not always the mood is cheerful

Not always the gesture is graceful

Not always the persona is tactful

Though the world is full of beauty and nature

With all the things to cherish n nurture

But not always we wander as a traveller

As life is not only a plan as philosopher

Sometimes we need to go to an astrologer

Do we really want to know what is in future

How can it be possible to believe in it by paper

Oh ! Is the God now came within us as predictor?

Being a human we have to think very clear

Do we have to believe or not in fake readers

This is not only state of mind of achievers

Just giving few important things as an advisor

Not always the life is beautiful

Not always the mind is zestful

TGS


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49 Reviews


Points: 61
Reviews: 49

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Thu May 25, 2017 12:14 am
EKK15 wrote a review...



Hi! So I liked the idea of this poem, but I personally had trouble following the structure. The lines seemed to have trouble flowing. I'm not sure if its supposed to be following a rhythm or pattern, but I just had trouble with the flow of the poem. Other than that, I think the piece is pretty good. I hope to see more from you in the future!

-E




TZH says...


Thank you!



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68 Reviews


Points: 794
Reviews: 68

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Wed May 24, 2017 6:12 pm
Midnightmoon wrote a review...



Hi there! good poem! I only have a few suggestions. First off, Structure.

"Not always the world is beautiful

Not always the mind is zestful

Not always the mood is cheerful

Not always the gesture is graceful

Not always the persona is tactful"


I would just switch the words around some. Like this;

"The world is not always beautiful
The mind is not always zestful..." ect.

"With all the things to cherish n nurture"
On this line, I would put "cherish and nurture." Though that may have been a typo. :).

It flows easier and makes it easier to read and understand.

"But not always we wander as a traveller

As life is not only a plan as philosopher"

These lines. The first line I would change it to something like this;
"But we don't always wander as a traveller,
As life is not only a plan, as a philosopher."

"Do we really want to know what is in future"

The way you have phrased this line, makes it sound like a question. So put a question mark at the end, or phrase it differently. Also, put "The" Between "in" and "Future."

Just things like that. Other than that it is a great poem! I hope this helped!




TZH says...


Thank you so much!



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8 Reviews


Points: 508
Reviews: 8

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Wed May 24, 2017 6:04 pm
NightFury1210 wrote a review...



Hey there TZH!

I like the theme of the poem and the optimism of the introductory line you wrote.
However, I feel like you've eaten up words and omitted letters from words in order to rhyme the lines. Although writing poetry allows that kind freedom, there should be a poetic feel to it. Also, try to concentrate more on punctuation, it really brings out the meaning of the poem. Lastly, although it is a fantastic effort, you haven't actually been able to put your message across very clearly. So maybe you could try to work on that?

These are just my suggestions, you need not bother with them.

But all in all, great job! Keep writing!!




TZH says...


Thanks




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