THOUGHTS
Through my head ..millions of thoughts runThoughts of remorse and things I have done
memories of happiness along with saddest thought
Times of friendships from the thoughts of past
But now I have some beautiful thoughts to memorize
Thoughts of family and those who are close to me to reprise
But then…
I think of my daughter whom I’m proud by being blessed
Every day with … And .. for the achievements she accomplished
I think of my hubby
Who’s the love of my life
And the one that I failed the most.
Being the part of his life
day to day .. I wonder.. how I go..
With so much on my mind and scarcely time to row….
I want to apologize to the ones I love,
And how I failed the good Lord above.
I feel .. I have lived in sin,
Haunted by memories…. of what I did….. within
This is my punishment, I have to accept,
Being tormented in my mind by things to disconnect
I want to forget everything but not only to be paused
For all the hurt and suffering that I caused
To the adultery and lie’s I told to break the bound
There is no way to turn this around,
But I learn from my actions and prey for forgiveness…
and want to spend a life full of happiness
wandering in my memories with the thoughts of present
trying to build my future to get everywhere to represent
thoughts, thoughts, and thoughts in mind
always coming back ‘n’ forth to rewind.
TGS
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi TZH. I'm just dropping by for a review.
It's an introspective piece. The narrator has been sinning to her husband and wants to move on and be a moral person, but the thoughts keep coming back to her. She has this dilemma of wanting to beg forgiveness--but can't. And then she wonders if she deserves this, and keeps thinking. I like the open end here. Her situation isn't resolved, but she's trying...and trying and I have this little hope that she can resolve matters with her husband and push all those troubled times to the past.
One part of the poem that annoyed me was the repetition of "thoughts". I know this poem is titled "Thoughts" but I think they're overkill. Throw in too many and they mess up the flow of the poem. The beginning was practically a dump of them. Repetition is nice for a poem, but obviously too much ruins the flow. There is an overdose of ellipses here. I like ellipses; they indicate something trailing off from one thought to another but overuse is not really good.
I also think that some parts of the rhyme scheme need some work. In the beginning, I see a strict AABBCC.... pattern but then it quickly falls apart but then fixes itself again. Whenever I see a rhyme scheme, I tend to search for it in the rest of the poem and then I get disoriented if they start to wriggle out of the scheme. Rhyming poetry is difficult because 1) rhyming can end up forced, and 2) meter and flow can be compromised by it.
I like the idea you have here, but I would have loved to see more imagery and metaphor as well. You have a vast opening to the wonderful land called Poetic Language and your poetry can become much more stronger. Just food for thought <3.
PM me if you want to talk about it. I hope this review helped!
EDIT: It seems as though the previous reviewer did cover majority of my points already, so...XD
Thank you so much %uD83D%uDE0A
Hi! I loved your poem! There are a few things you could do to fix it though.
Firstly, the first two lines are a bit confusing. It seems you forgot to separate the two lines in line one. Secondly, again in those first two/three lines, the word thought is a bit repetitive. In parts of the poem, the rhyme is not correct, for example,
"I think of my hubby
Who’s the love of my life
And the one that I failed the most.
Being the part of his life"
Also, the last line of (above) repeats "Life" Since he's your husband, it's perfect, say something like this, "I am his wife." or something. The rhyme pattern is different there and it almost looks like it's not rhyming, so the rhythm gets a little messed up there.
I loved how the last bits of your poem had a nice flow and thoughtful detail. It really ended the poem with a nice, strong ending.
Here, however,
"But I learn from my actions and prey for forgiveness…
and want to spend a life full of happiness
wandering in my memories with the thoughts of present
trying to build my future to get everywhere to represent
thoughts, thoughts, and thoughts in mind
always coming back ‘n’ forth to rewind."
It gets a bit lengthy. It is all squashed into one sentence. It would sound better if you split it up into different parts. In the husband part, it says " I think of my hubby, Who's the love of my life." the capitalisation is incorrect. Who should start with a lower case. I know it's not that much of a big deal, but I've always been picky about it! ;p. Look over your poem and if you find any COPS errors (capitalisation, organized, punctuation, and spelling." you can fix them to have a smoother poem! COPS is a bit childish, but it works!
I really loved your poem and I can't wait to read more! Hope my review helps!
Glad . Thank you so much
Hey TZH,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
Ok, so now that the line-by-line is over, why don't we break down the piece as a whole and talk about what is good and what should be worked upon.
1.) FORMATTING:
I'm going to make this brief. To remove the extra space between your lines, hit 'shift-enter' instead of just 'enter.' Second, you should really break this down into multiple stanzas since the piece in itself is rather long. If you keep it like this, it makes it one long wall of words that becomes strenuous to read.
2.)RHYME SCHEME:
Yeah this could go with formatting, but I wanted to break it down a little more. Let's take a look at your poem one last time why don't we:
Spoiler
So I hope you see what I did there, but in case you didn't-- I labeled the lines that rhymed with each other and underlined the lines that didn't. That said I have a problem with this. First of all, as I was reading this piece it really struck me to the point that I felt like you actually had trouble rhyming the lines. Even if you didn't the way it reads now, is choppy as if you were more concerned with the poem rhyming then you were with it flowing into one coherent piece.
Let me remind you that not all poems need to rhyme, and sometimes they sound better when they don't. With this piece, I feel like it would work a lot better if you scratched the rhyming. Without being held down by trying to rhyming, you could expand your ideas more and really dwell into the depths of your thoughts.
3.)STYLISTIC CHOICES:
My one complaint with this revolves around all the ellipsis that use. While an ellipsis here and there isn't a bad thing, when you repetitively use them it really lags the reading of the work. I understand that sometimes you feel like they are necessary but you have to be careful with how often you do use them
4.) IDEA:
I love the idea behind this, and it has some good potential. But, like I said earlier you seem tied down with the fact that you're trying to make this rhyme. My tip to you would be try to expand on one thought, one memory. If you truly want to mention multiple ones, then pick just one to expand upon more then others.
So, I lied earlier, I do have another comment to make on the stylistic choices of this piece. I get that this poem is about thoughts but you use the word 'thought' or 'thoughts' to much throughout the piece. It becomes super boring to read. Just think about that.
Other then that, I think I've covered everything that I wanted to say. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you so much!
of course, looking back at it now, I hope I wasn't to harsh. But still I'm glad I was able to help