Young Writers Society

Hi TZH. I'm just dropping by for a review.

It's an introspective piece. The narrator has been sinning to her husband and wants to move on and be a moral person, but the thoughts keep coming back to her. She has this dilemma of wanting to beg forgiveness--but can't. And then she wonders if she deserves this, and keeps thinking. I like the open end here. Her situation isn't resolved, but she's trying...and trying and I have this little hope that she can resolve matters with her husband and push all those troubled times to the past.

One part of the poem that annoyed me was the repetition of "thoughts". I know this poem is titled "Thoughts" but I think they're overkill. Throw in too many and they mess up the flow of the poem. The beginning was practically a dump of them. Repetition is nice for a poem, but obviously too much ruins the flow. There is an overdose of ellipses here. I like ellipses; they indicate something trailing off from one thought to another but overuse is not really good.

I also think that some parts of the rhyme scheme need some work. In the beginning, I see a strict AABBCC.... pattern but then it quickly falls apart but then fixes itself again. Whenever I see a rhyme scheme, I tend to search for it in the rest of the poem and then I get disoriented if they start to wriggle out of the scheme. Rhyming poetry is difficult because 1) rhyming can end up forced, and 2) meter and flow can be compromised by it.

I like the idea you have here, but I would have loved to see more imagery and metaphor as well. You have a vast opening to the wonderful land called Poetic Language and your poetry can become much more stronger. Just food for thought <3.

PM me if you want to talk about it. I hope this review helped!

EDIT: It seems as though the previous reviewer did cover majority of my points already, so...XD

Hi! I loved your poem! There are a few things you could do to fix it though.

Firstly, the first two lines are a bit confusing. It seems you forgot to separate the two lines in line one. Secondly, again in those first two/three lines, the word thought is a bit repetitive. In parts of the poem, the rhyme is not correct, for example,
"I think of my hubby

Who’s the love of my life

And the one that I failed the most.

Being the part of his life"

Also, the last line of (above) repeats "Life" Since he's your husband, it's perfect, say something like this, "I am his wife." or something. The rhyme pattern is different there and it almost looks like it's not rhyming, so the rhythm gets a little messed up there.

I loved how the last bits of your poem had a nice flow and thoughtful detail. It really ended the poem with a nice, strong ending.

Here, however,
"But I learn from my actions and prey for forgiveness…

and want to spend a life full of happiness

wandering in my memories with the thoughts of present

trying to build my future to get everywhere to represent

thoughts, thoughts, and thoughts in mind

always coming back ‘n’ forth to rewind."

It gets a bit lengthy. It is all squashed into one sentence. It would sound better if you split it up into different parts. In the husband part, it says " I think of my hubby, Who's the love of my life." the capitalisation is incorrect. Who should start with a lower case. I know it's not that much of a big deal, but I've always been picky about it! ;p. Look over your poem and if you find any COPS errors (capitalisation, organized, punctuation, and spelling." you can fix them to have a smoother poem! COPS is a bit childish, but it works!

I really loved your poem and I can't wait to read more! Hope my review helps!

Hey TZH,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

Through my head ..millions of thoughts runI'm going to assume that since the next word is capitalized you meant to start a new line. But I could be wrong. That said, I'll start a new line for you.
Thoughts of remorse and things I have done
memories of happiness along with saddest thought I feel as if you are missing a word in this line.
Times of friendships from the thoughts of past
But now I have some beautiful thoughts to memorize
Thoughts of family and those who are close to me to reprise
But then… No, I don't like this. It totally breaks the flow of your writing
I think of my daughter whom I’m proud by being blessed
Every day with … And .. for the achievements she accomplished
I think of my hubby
Who’s the love of my life
And the one that I failed the most. How have you ruined your hubby's life?
Being the part of his life
day to day .. I wonder.. how I go.. These last two lines don't really flow well together, I also don't see how they tie with each other.
With so much on my mind and scarcely time to row….
I want to apologize to the ones I love,
And how I failed the good Lord above.
I feel .. I have lived in sin,
Haunted by memories…. of what I did….. within
This is my punishment, I have to accept,
Being tormented in my mind by things to disconnect Disconnect doesn't really seem like the right word
I want to forget everything but not only to be paused
For all the hurt and suffering that I have caused
To the adultery and lie’s I told to break the bound
There is no way to turn this around, I would use a full stop here
But I learn from my actions and preypray for forgiveness…
and all I want is to spend a life full of happiness
wandering in my memories with the thoughts of the present
trying to build my future to get everywhere to represent
thoughts, thoughts, and thoughts in mind
always coming back ‘n’ forth to rewind.
TGS