Thank you...

Hey storybraniac, you've got a good story/narrative in this poem, but I think you've got to carve out some of the extra stuff to highlight the gems. While there's no need to count out syllables to get the lines super even, at least making them generally the same length will greatly increase the flow and readability of the piece.

I'd also suggest maybe a rating boost to "12+" because of the use of "g*d*mn" and "h*llhole". I thought the strongest part of the piece was probably the opening 7 lines. That part seemed sort of mysterious and had a bit of a metaphor in there too with the tightrope - it made me want to continue reading what the rest of the piece was about. As the poem went on, it felt like it got more and more generic. And the italics and extra dashes and ellipses in the last few lines just seemed over-dramatic, like if the author had started adding snaps or a piccolo solo to the end - it's interesting but kind of distracting and ultimately adds nothing to the meaning. At least in my opinion.

I think you utilize good voice in the piece though, especially near the beginning, my suggestion is just hone in on that story you want to tell and draw out your metaphorical language.

Good luck!

~alliyah

Hi there! I'm E and I'm here to do a quick review of your piece! Lets get started:

First off, I have to admit that I love the topic of bitter thank you's, angry regrets, and broken promises. I think if you can do it right, it can be very powerful. However, I think you could've taken this in a different direction. The best piece of advice I have for you, is to focus on one little aspect of this "heartbreak" and write about that. Not the whole incident, but one tiny, stupid detail. Like, for example, you're writing about a fire at a house. You wouldn't write about the house burning specifically, but the way a child's favorite toy melted with the flames. I think that has a more powerful emotion provoking response, which I know is what you're going for.

For your piece, maybe focus on one moment in this persons friendship or relationship that really hurts them the most to think about. Like the bench for example. Write about the color of the wood or stone fading overtime, write about how it feels cold in the winter, without another body sharing it. Write about something concrete and then the maturity and pain in the piece will be even clearer.

Hope this helps you out at least a little bit. I think the piece overall was a great starting point, but I would love to see you dive in deeper to something more heavy, more concrete, and stronger. That's all from me. Keep up the good work!

-E

So this would be a heck of a lot more powerful if there was maybe half the amount of obvious content. It becomes repetitive and ill-nuanced after the introduction of the theme into the narrative, and by the time the reader reaches the reveal that the lover is dead, the emotional value has a limp.

So the way to fix this is to find the key points in your narrative and embellish them in imagery, in the metaphors that seem to be eluding you (though you referenced them in the piece itself.)

Your flow is very choppy--mostly due to the line breaks being haphazard and unplanned--but this can be remedied by taking an editing session slowly and reading the work aloud until you feel the smoothness--or clunkiness--of the words and phrases.

My favorite bit is the "I'll leave this on the bench. You know which bench." And I wish it hadn't continued into explaining why the bench was important--but that could be me wanting some loose ends in poetry for heartache.

Generally a good job, but certainly one that needs some smooth editing sessions.
Lumi