there’s an eclipse today at half past forever
i’ll take you to the end of the world
where we can see it in all its glory
and i’ll take your face in my hands
take all of you in in one breath
in case we don’t exist
and then run away before you can stop me
the night before i jumped of the golden gate
and the one before that I took a spaceship to mars
i left all our memories
at the center of the sun
incase we don’t exist
and nothing we’ve ever done
or will do
will ever matter
to anyone
ever
if we don’t exist
life is an illusion
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I really liked the flow of this poem and how it sort of breaks and has a flow at the same time, it kind of symbolizes to me that reality is breaking since in this poem reality isn't real? (My interpretation) I also like this poem of just how generally strange and almost surreal in a way to me at least. I criticism I'm gonna give is to fix the spelling mistakes since it would make your work much more polished. Also if you're starting a new line, make sure to capitalize the first letter of the starting poem to make it look better.
Wesh! I'm just going to give a quick review. Ok, let's go.
Fix the spelling mistakes. It polishes it up and makes it even better!
Watch the flow.
Watch the syllable count.
Turn it into stanzas.
Maybe work on your metaphors?
OVERALL: This was great so good job. Great ending. Don't worry, don't feel like you have to take my suggestions. I hope this helped!
-JadeLotus-
Hi.
I am going to review this piece of work to the best of my abilities. First of all I have to say that I love the concept and title so much and it just gives such a great feeling. I also have to say that I love the first few lines. There are some grammar mistakes such as not capitilizing the I. There is also va lack of punctuation and I feel with puncuation it would flow better and help the ideas stand out better. The imagery that the poem contains is overly amazing. If I had to say there was one thing I didn't like is the last line it just doesn't tie into the poem well enough and doesn't make since to me I just wish it was worded deferently and could tie in the whole meaning and emotions that were displayed throughout the full poem. Thankyou so much for writing.
Ahoy there, Storybrainiac! I've come to review your poem!
I really like some of the imagery you've got going here. It's surreal and really drives home the point of the poem. I like the one about the Golden Gate Bridge in particular-- I feel like it anchors the poem in a way-- something real to hold onto in the midst of this nebulous poem.
That being said, there are a few things you could change to improve this poem.
The first thing I recommend is going through it with a fine-toothed comb to find any spelling or grammar errors. There are a few here, and I won't point out all of them because they're easy enough to find with another read through. I'm not talking about capitalization, of course. That's a stylistic choice, and I feel like it fits the vibe here.
The one grammar error I will point out is:
"it's" should be "its." Unlike every other word in the English language, "its" is possessive, not "it's." The latter is a contraction of "it" and "is." Seems weird, but it's true!
The way the poem flows together is a little off. Try either adding punctuation to create space, or create some literal space with the formatting. YWS has a tricky formatting machine, though. It gets the best of us. If this didn't format the way you want it to, try this next tip. While you're putting your poem in the publisher, if you don't want any space between the lines, hold shift when you press enter. When you want a stanza break, simply don't hold shift! I think you could space this poem in particular more creatively, though. Try checking out some poems by ee cummings for inspiration about spacing things creatively!
This really marred the end of the poem for me. The rest of your poem already gets at your meaning. Here, you're hitting the reader over the head with the sentiment. If you remove this line, and simply end on "if we don't exist," it's a stronger end to the poem. If you mean "if we don't exist, life is an illusion" instead of how I'm interpreting it (if we don't exist. Life is an illusion.), then you know for sure it's time to add some punctuation or space the lines differently because it's become a clarity issue now.
This was the only image I wasn't completely sold on. The center of the sun seems like a dangerous place for sure, and it does stay with the space-y theme, but I'd like to see the memories deposited elsewhere. What's an unexpected place to leave memories other than the center of the sun? Show me somewhere I haven't thought of before. Personally, I'd hide my memories in the soul of a cat's purr, or maybe weave them into a tapestry of starlight. Something more unexpected than the center of the sun.
Altogether, I liked this piece. I'm excited to see where it goes once you add some punctuation or spacing to make it a little clearer. Tag me if you post a revised edition, or edit it here in the work itself. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep poeting, and keep YWSing!
This is a beautiful piece of poetry, and really carries the reader on an adventure with the narrator. The depths of your imagination are limitless and you push the reader to push against the boundaries of reality in their mind. I particularly loved the line, "There's an eclipse today at half past forever" which is such a magical line as it explores the mind-blowing concept of eternity. I also love the line, "I left all our memories at the center of the sun" which is so poetic and abstract yet tied together with the whole concept of the poem as the narrator explores the depths of their imaginations, and what it would mean to not exist. I love the double meaning behind the "if we don't exist", because it is on the one hand referring to the two people's relationship (whether romantic or otherwise) with each other and asking if it exists, and, on the other hand, is asking the question if they as a person exist, a very deep and mysterious concept to the human brain. Beautiful job, and I can't wait to read more of your work!
Hi.
You’re like my second work to ever review...so bear with me if this review sucks! Okay, first of all...this was so creative. I got hooked in like the first sentence and thats a good thing. The only thing I would suggest is maybe adding punctuation. It would be a lot easier to read, and i’m Pretty sure that’s all. you did really good, though. So...keep up the good work!