I like the sun

Wow you are an amazing author! I really like this poem.

Some things I liked in specific:

1. From the get-go, I like how this is titled "I like the sun," but the opening line is "He liked the sun." I'm not sure if this is intentional, but it gave me the vibe that the author/protagonist is viewing himself from an outside perspective, trying to get a view on his own thoughts and life.

2. The way that he "can't be seen with the light" gives me the idea that whoever "he" is, he's hiding a huge part of himself for the sake of not being ridiculed or ostracised. I'm not sure what he's hiding, but it's a part of him he doesn't want others to see.

3. I also like how you included that no one sees him anyways. This gives the idea that whoever this guy is, he's sort of a loner. And if he revealed that he likes the "light," he would be pushed even further into this lonliness.

4. I think my favorite part of the poem overall is the repeated lines at the end. How he's trying to force himself to like something that he simply does not like. I feel as though almost everyone has gone through this-- trying to force yourself to belong, or be who you are expected to be. It conveys an unwanted madness that the main character has to go through to just go with the grain. I love it.

Some changes I would make:

1. First of all, you have a lot of periods throughout the piece. Almost every line ends with one. And that's fine, I see it as an author's choice. However, there are some lines that end with absolutely no punctuation at all. I would just add periods to those just to continue with the pattern.

2. The ending part in bold doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem, but maybe that was intentional. The way I took it is that "he" switched back from viewing himself in third person to speak directly to whatever the "light" may represent. Personally, I would have made only the last line bold so it packs a serious punch, instead of letting 3 lines do that. I dunno maybe it's just me haha

My personal analysis:

I took this poem as a guy struggling with the fact that he's gay lol. How he likes the "light", how the light isn't a jerk like everyone else, but how he must like the "dark" because that's the societal norm. I'm not sure why my mind went directly to gay but either way it's definitely a piece about fitting in. All in all I love this piece and I love how it conveys an emotion multiple people can relate to.

Thank you for writing this beautiful piece!

Lilith

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who tries to please others by putting on an appearance that pleases them and not the one that he feels is genuine or represents how he really feels. I like how the poem compares being genuine as being in the light while being false as being in the darkness. The psychological discomfort in pleasing others while denying true feeling comes through nicely. The speaker likes the sun and dislikes the darkness. I like how the poem tells us that others might see us as an ït".

This made me recall how during Nazi Germany some Jews were forced to deny their identity for the sake of survival. The Jewishness would have been the “it” that the poem mentions in that scenario. We all become an “it” when we are dehumanized by being seen as a representative of some targeted group instead of a unique individual.


As a reader I would have enjoyed learning more details as to why the speaker feels forced in giving in to peer pressure. What are his specific circumstances? What would be the consequences of his revealing his true self? Is he or she covering up an ethnic identity to avoid condemnation and prejudice?

There are many ways to hide in that darkness of hypocrisy. Some prisoners must be friendly towards certain guards in order to avoid abuse. Students are sometimes forced to act pleasantly towards abusive teachers whom they secretly detest. So it definitely isn’t an uncommon behavior. However, it does sometimes involve a certain amount of self-denial and a tinge of regret similar to the regret the poem expresses.

All of these are ideas that can be used to expand the poem if you wish to do so later.

Suggestions

If it were mine I would try to reduce the use of the pronoun ”he”.

word he = 12 times

He liked the sun.
[Could hint as to why why he prefers the sun.]

He liked the darkness.
[Could hint as to why he is averse to being seen.]

The rays [seemed] always brighter than when he last remembered them.
[Otherwise, if literal he, would be scorched and blinded]


Thanks fort sharing. Looking forth to reading more of your work.

Hi there Storybraniac!

I really enjoy the repetition in this poem of sun and of darkness, and the juxtaposition of the two. I love that the speaker both likes the sun and can't bear to be seen in it, and seems to feel lonely in the darkness that he also craves. The way they play together in this poem is super interesting, and I hope you'll keep playing with that!

The twist in the final stanza really grabbed me, when the line about the internet raising us to dislike the sun comes up. I wonder if you could focus on this image more in the next draft? While the first two thirds of the poem has all this interesting play between sun and darkness, I don't really get the sense that something is happening. It feels a bit scattered, you know? But then we get this final stanza/final four lines and I'm like HEY HERE'S SOME NARRATIVE. People don't like the sun and the internet raised us to be jerks who dislike the sun, or maybe we're just naturally jerks but there's an introduction of someone NEW (the "you") who is different from all the rest.

I'd love to see more about the speaker's relationship with this other person who is not a jerk and perhaps not raised by the internet. Basically, I want to see more of those last four lines and see those images and that narrative woven throughout the rest of the poem more. I think it'll give the whole poem more cohesion, and make that juxtaposition of sun and darkness all the more meaningful and powerful.

Wow, I hope any of that made sense. xD Basically, I think you're really hitting on something good in the last four lines and I think you should try and draw it out into the rest of the poem.

Thanks so much for sharing! Keep writing!

--Lauren

This was very interesting to read, in a good way.

I feel as though the narrative of the poem flows really well. It has a natural transition from liking the sun to blocking oneself off from the sun, to convincing yourself you like the darkness because you must keep yourself shrouded in it.

The punctuation really lends to the overall voice of the poem, with the spacing and everything, it gives the poem a certain feeling that's hard to put into words.

The last three lines are a bit confusing, but overall the poem is really, really nice and it was a joy to read.

Keep writing!

Lovely, lovely, lovely. All my love, have a nice day.