There's a park at the corner of my street.
Don't really know what it's called.
There's a huge signboard with faded letters on the front.
You can barely make out the faint letters g - r - v.
It's an enormous place.
My dad once said the largest parks in the world are given national park status.
This one is huge.
My sister and I often pretend like this is a national park.
It's fun. We've never been to an actual one.
It is literally home to almost all of the people of this neighborhood.
And those who don't live here have begun planning to permenatly settle here.
My grandpa moved here last week.
We often visit him. I like the trees.
There's plenty of them.
You can't turn the corner without comic fans face to face with a giant birch.
Grandpa has a lot of neighbors.
Some of them I remember from my childhood.
But they stopped seeing me once they moved here.
I like to think that grandpa is friends with all of them.
But he doesn't want to see anyone anymore.
I've visited him yesterday.
But he didn't want to see me either.
He hates me. I don't know why.
Why else wouldn't he want to see me?
I love the park.
It's a fun place
I would love to live here someday.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I like this work. It's like a freestyle poem. It makes you feel things and think back on all those people you've lost. The idea was really great too, the concept of a cemetery as an apartment complex or something. How they live here now that they're no longer living.
One thing I didn't understand is the second to last line. Cemeteries are more peaceful than fun. The word "fun" doesn't seem to be the right word for it. The rest of it is pretty good, although I feel like the national park lines aren't very relevant to the story the poem is telling.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem.
Storybrainiac,
Hello there! I enjoyed reading this today and I wanted to say a few things out to maybe help you out on not only improving this poem/story but also to improve your writing in general.
I think it's a nice idea to associate a cemetery with pleasant imagery. Usually, these places are associated with rainstorms and thunder, ghosts and unpleasant spirits from the other side. It's nice and refreshing to read something that's a lot more relatable, because everyone who has been to a cemetery knows that it's a very peaceful, green place where our family members are buried. So thanks for taking a different spin on this than most writers would.
The title is obviously the coordinates of this cemetery, and I kind of have an issue with it. The narrator speaks as if a child. The child is naive enough to believe that her grandma has simply "moved" into a park and no longer wants to see anyone. I can't imagine that a child that simply minded would know the coordinates of the cemetery. Assuming that it is the child that wrote this poem, from his or her point of view. The title seems to not fit with the general theme of the poem.
Also, is this a poem? Or is this a short story? Because I can't find any sort of beat or meter in this poem, which suggests that it's just freestyle, but I feel like this might have more potential as a short story. The child doesn't have to grow much at all emotionally, if that's not what you were going for. But short stories need to have a beginning, middle and end and a purpose. Why are we reading of this at all?
I think the reason you wrote this is to help us understand how a child views death and separation. That is such a good, interesting and unique topic. Now let's dig deeper.
Let me know if I can help anymore,
Jared