This poem was written in collaboration with writingprincess This is my first acrostic and first collaborative piece (written during the aftermath of princess' workshop) and princess has been a huge help.
Hear the rain beating on your window pane
Ever remind you of when my chest would beat against yours
As you listen to the thunder with your new love
Rain is pelting down on me
The storm is frightening without you here to fight it away
Beside me there is a space that you should be filling
Remember when your touch was the lightning that struck my heart
Every moment I spend without you breaks my heart again
As the night turns to day and the rain fades away
Keep this poem in mind as you exit your raincloud.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
This reminded me of three Opeth songs at once— Windowpane, In my time of Need, and Hope leaves, because although your words are less saddening than theirs, they evoke similar imagery to talk about loss of a loved one. Imagery of sitting alone, of standing alone in the rain, and ever-fresh wounds in places not seen. (Give them a listen when time permits.)
1. The acrostic part of it did not feel forced at all, and definitely summarized the whole poem in a word. "heartbreak" was not the word I would have gone for, but then I don't know the first thing about writing something like this, and this indeed is the first such poem I have come across. Choosing a word and then writing according to the length of it sounds in no way an easy task. Initial 2 lines did confuse me for a bit about what part of was referring to whom, but that was cleared up later.
2. I liked the juxtapositions (the poet is alone, the other person is not, they're outside in the rain, that person is not, the raincloud passes by for that person etc.) . You did do it well in the second last line though. the ones in line 3 and 4 were nice, it might've been better if you had carried it on, but then the sentence limit would be a definite issue.
"As you listen to the thunder with your new love
Rain is pelting down on me"
"Beside me there is a space that you should be filling
Right by you, that space filled by another"
This is not a criticism in any way, just a suggestion because I can't write something like this at the moment. ( "Heartbroken" would've been the word I'd've gone with.)
3. Talking about the theme in general, pretty standard stuff, but treated well enough, and does manage to give the one line concept of " you left me and moved on but the chapter is not closed for me " a poetic narrative with the initial and middle lines talking about the " you left me and moved on", and the ending being about "the chapter is not closed for me". I would've liked more unconventional or visceral descriptions, but those might give off a different vibe and mess up what your conception had been.
4. Overall, I did not find any major criticism that would turn off a major reader group, so I've nitpicked tbh. This was simple and effective, and I can't talk of avoiding cliches since those were dealt with well. Good stuff.
Keep writing and thanks for introducing me to acrostics!
I've listened to some Opeth, and I genuinely feel honored to be compared to their work. Thank you for the amazing review.
Haha! A few more melancholic references of woods and stuff and I could imagine Akerfeldt singing this.
And death , of course.
Woods and death. Gotta use that for my next poem.
greetings to the two collaborators.
amazing work!
the comparison with rain and thunder was absolutely in place. it felt very nice to read it.
the description of your longings for your beloved touches the heart.
coming to some loose points, (! I am also a beginner in poetry ! Please take these as opinion and not on your heart.) i feel some punctuation should be used to clarify the breaks and pauses and ends. also rhyming would have created magic!
rest seems perfect to me.
hope to see more of your work.
---chitz---
I really enjoyed writing this with you, @Storybraniac! I really liked the way it turned out.