Young Writers Society

Hey, Braniac!

This is an amazing work! I liked it much. It just drilled the depth of pain. The longing of heart was beautifully painted.

Man, these lines:

She craved only a heart.

To match the beats of her own.

Her mind swirls as her heart beats faster.

She won’t hesitate to take out her sorrow.

Her love.

Her rage.

Each punctuated as a different line.

In the song she’ll sing.

A song. A dagger to dive in deeper through the hole in your heart.

Her heart perfumed with what remained.

Of her love for you.

...

She hasn’t forgotten her love for you.

She wishes you would come back.

Come back...

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a woman who was deceived into believing herself genuinely loved and admired only to discover she had been deceived. I like the way that the poem directs the words at the deceiver telling him that he will not get away with it but will pay and that the woman will get her revenge and will ultimately prevail. The speaker comes across as maybe a friend or a close relative of the victim who feels compassion for her and anger at the abuser of her trust.

Suggestions

The word “rue” had no meaning for me. I imagine that most other readers will be just as baffled. So for the sake of communication,
I would use a more familiar word.

Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark.
[Bet you [regret] the day you kissed a writer in the dark.]


Sentence Fragments

She will capture your essence.
Her heart perfumed with what remained.
Of her love for you.

[She will capture your essence,
her heart perfumed with what remained
of her love for you.]

She craved only a heart.
To match the beats of her own.

[She craved only a heart
to match the beats of her own.]

You loved her.
For about a day or two.

[You loved her
for about a day or two.]

The following sentence is a bit vague:

She won’t hesitate to take out her sorrow.

[She won’t hesitate [express] her sorrow.
[ reveal, express, display, project]

The word heart is repeated four times.
The word “love” is repeated five times.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hey, Braniac! RavenLord here with a review! I really like the word choice in this poem, especially the use of "epitome" and the metaphor of the song being a dagger. However, there are a few kinks to work out.
I'm not sure what you intended when you ended each line with a period, but it interrupts the flow of the poem and makes it a bit hard to transition from one line to the next. Maybe limit yourself to a few commas and a period whenever a sentence actually ends?
Another thing was the lack of concrete imagery. The poem used figurative language very nicely, but many of the lines were stated very literally instead of fleshed out into a sort of living entity on the page. An example would be when you wrote "She craved only a heart." This line is just fine as is, but you use so little of the materials this line provides that it feels like something is being left. It doesn't quite get across the emotion you meant to convey. Maybe try using more vivid imagery or creating a strong metaphor for the heart or what the other lines mean to convey. Ride that emotion. Use it to smack your reader in the face and tear out their hearts with it.
The bold lines at the end were very clever, but I think the bold was a little bit daunting. Maybe try italics instead? That's just personal preference; you don't have to take that advice. Alternatively, leave the last two lines in normal text and italicize the words "come back" in the third line of the last stanza.
I hope this review was helpful to you. Keep up the hard work and never give up!
Regards,
RavenLord