12+ Mature Content

The real you

I love you baby

But the real you scares me.

I knew a sweet innocent girl.

I want who I fell in love with back

Not this new you.

I like how you changed

But I fear I might hurt you.

I'm scared baby

I don't know what to do.

The new you scares me,

It makes me feel worried.

I love this new you 

Yet I hate it.

(End)

Authors notes: help my girlfriend is a masochist and I never knew about this any advice on how to get the sweet innocent girl back?

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
EvanJW
Review
EvanJW wrote a review · Tue May 24, 2016 2:56 am

I like the tone of the poem, that is the overtone of fear. Fear of the unknown in relationships is quite common, and nothing to worry about. I like how you began with, "I love you baby," and ended with, "Yet I hate it." This to me represents the change in heart of the narrator from head over heels, to apprehensive.

Relationship advice: If your girlfriend is a masochist, you can't really change that, so you can deal with it in a couple of ways. Firstly, and most obviously, you could leave the relationship (I wouldn't recommend this, but it's your situation, not mine). Secondly, and more ideally, you could let her know what you're ok with, and what you're not, and establish boundaries. It sounds to me that you're into this girl, so if I were in your shoes, I'd try to find a middle ground.

Nice poem, good luck!

Thx and we have found a middle ground and I still love her all the same and I can't imagine a day with out her cause we are destined to be together

User avatar
KittyMew
Review

Somehow, this poem fits to my Sadistically Sweet poem~ haha. Although the persona accepts it.

So, going in the poem. The poem is actually good :) So straightforward but it shows how you actually feel for your lover. And I like how simple it is. In this generation, it is rare to see good simple poems. Though it's not easy. When you make a simple straightforward poem, you have to make sure that it is not vague. When through that before so.

Anyways, I don't see any problem with this poem.

And an advice:

I don't think you can fix someone who is a masochist. Because it's just part of the personality of the person. What's important is the inside of the person you love :) Your girlfriend will always be a sweet girl to you. I'm guessing you didn't know that she was a masochist until you date her, am I right? If you break up with her because of that, that would traumatize her or you will regret it. Unless, she is really a crazy masochist like she really wants you to hurt her then---I don't know. Because living with that kind of personality scare the hell out of you. But if it's semi-masochist or low masochist...that's normal. Everyone can be a masochist or a sadist. I'm a sadist myself---but not like killing a person or hurt myself for pleasure hahaha. If you have no choice, if you really really really really really love love love love love her---accept her then. :)

I accept that she is a masochist it was the big surprise that got me and I have a hard time with doing stuff like that cause I'm a gentle person and there's nothing that would make me break up with her

Random avatar
Lemons
Review
Lemons wrote a review · Mon May 23, 2016 10:55 am

Hi

I wonder if your poem is well-thought out or if you just wanted to vent or express yourself. Either is fine of course. But know that if you wish to pursue poetry seriously, you'll want to change a few things about your writing style. It seems that nothing in your poem, including structure, punctuation, etc, is completely haphazard and not intentional. Also, many of your sentenced carry very little meaning to be extracted from it. In other words, if your poem were a lemon, it would not be a very juicy lemon. This is since it's clear that all your sentences are simplistic, not very creative, and only convey the idea that something's wrong with your gf and it scares you...

Now, about your girlfriend. Maybe you'd like to privately message someone about what you mean exactly by masochism. I myself have experience with this issue, but you wouldn't want to talk about it like this, I presume. I have no idea what's going on in your or her life but chances are, you won't get your "sweet innocent girl" back without a fight. And for every fight, you must be carefully prepared with the power of reason, and patience.

Lemons

This was more of a way to vent for me cause I have a hard time trying to vent in other ways and I would rather have people see what I write when I vent than to not so I can learn from it

User avatar
MemoryHunter
Review

Hey, this is MemoryHunter here to review your poem!

Okay, I'll try the straightforward stuff but I don't think I can do it. *cough*

1. TECHNICAL THINGIES

A. Grammar, Spelling, etc.
It's okay. I don't focus on grammar in poetry much, because it can be used 'incorrectly' as an art form or whatever.

B. Punctuation
So far, all I can see are periods and commas. Might be better to see a variety, though it doesn't really affect the piece that much. However, it does make it look a little bit more. I don't get myself either.

Though, here is something that needs something. What.

I'm scared baby

I don't know what to do.
should be either

"I'm scared, baby,
I don't know what to do."

or

"I'm scared, baby -
I don't know what to do."

or

"I'm scared baby;
I don't know what to do."



C. Capitalization
There are different types of capitalization schemes in poetry, and I think what best suits you is something else. You Capitalize The First Letter of Every Line. Usually, that's fine---that's fine, if your poem gives off that arcane, ancient feel. Or that olden feel. Something. It doesn't fit here, and I think you should try just capitalizing when the word is A. a proper noun, or B. following a period (or, the word 'I')

D. Separation of Stanzas
Coral. You can separate them if you want, or not, it's your choice. It doesn't affect the poem, really, but in some cases it does. Here I think it would be nice and neat if you did, but you have the right to alter your poem or not alter it at all.

E. Rhythm, rhyme, other stuff
The rhythm is fine, and not chunky. The rhyming, however, is inconsistent in some places. Sometimes you rhyme, sometimes you don't.

Now, on to the fun stuuuuff!

2. FEELS

A. Idea
The idea is love and how it's changed and whatnot. That feeling of knowing somebody whom you adored, to have warped into something else or whatever. Forgive me if that's not the case with this poem, but I perceive it that way.

I know a lot of friends who have experienced this too. They say that their girlfriend, or boyfriend, has changed. This gives insight on their feelings, since I don't know what to do with them most of the time. Now, I have a vague interpretation of what they feel inside, which is nice.

B. Wording
It's simple, and very direct. You use emotions, you tell people you're scared, worried, etc., but you don't really show them you are. Use imagery. For example, tears, hands, or when you look at the mirror, you see a man who's having a mental battle or whatever. Don't just say you feel something. Show us how and what you feel.

Also, explain further/detail the reason as to why the narrator loves the new 'her' and also hates it. It's rather confusing. He says that he wants the past 'her', but shows no sign that he loves her (present girl, not past) at all in this poem.

C. Emotion
It's authentic, yes, because you actually feel it in real life, I think, based on your author's note. But you need to dig deeper. We know you're scared, that's good. I mean, not good---I mean... you get the point. We know you're scared, but go down that hole and search for more clues. What makes you feel scared? What drives you to be so worried, to be so afraid of what has become?

I mean, yeah we know, the new her was what made you like this, but how? What certain things? Go real deep.

~#=*=#~
Okay, for your A/N, I don't know, really. I don't have any experience in this stuff. Your girlfriend is masochist? I think that she's the opposite, based on this poem. I think she's actually a sadist. But maybe that's just my idiotic brain so meh.

But maybe, you could try talking it out. Tell her how you feel. And get the explaining done blablabla. It will end in two ways, I'm sure of it, and it's 50/50. But at least you'll get your feelings out. And maybe, she hasn't changed at all. Maybe that's just how she is, and she actually hid it before or something.

I don't know. I suck at giving advice.

PEACE OUT,
MEMORY~

Thx for the advice and you're probably right about her hiding it and she knows how I feel already I still love her it just came as a shock to me.that's all



A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin