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E - Everyone

The other two

by Spartan118

they come out when I'm hurting.

I'm surprised they aren't out now.

They came from depression

Just to comfort me.

They're a part of me I've kept secret.

I think I should let them out

But I'm scared.

I hate keeping them a secret. 

So I wrote this to tell the world 

But I'm scared of the response I'll get.

They want me to tell my family

But I can't trust them enough.

How do I tell them 


Writers notes the last line is how I wrote it and you should be able to tell me what it is from reading the last line.

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485 Reviews

Points: 21027
Reviews: 485

Tue Sep 20, 2016 6:15 pm
Elijah wrote a review...

King here

Hello there! Just passing by to leave a review. I will honest and say that 90% of what I read recently has the same 'issues' and I just find them very normal already so I feel like a broken record playing now. What I first noticed was some basic mistakes that easily can be corrected and not made again as wrong use of a simple work or just a wrong way of saying something specific. I would like to just get into it and edit it while I am reading it so I do not miss a thing.

They come out when I'm hurting hurted.

I'm surprised they aren't out now.

They came from depression,

just to comfort me.

They're a part of me I've kept secret.

I think I should let them out

but I'm scared.

I hate keeping them a secret.

So I wrote this to tell the world,

but I'm scared of the response I'll get.

They want me to tell my family

but I can't trust them enough.

How do I tell them?


Writers notes the last line is how I wrote it and you should be able to tell me what it is from reading the last line.

I really like the ending honestly and find it very unique to end this way by showing your real feeling about this. I enjoyed your work even if it kind of sad but it deserves the read.

Spartan118 says...

You obviously don't understand how to speak English correctly cause this poem is written correctly

Elijah says...

Though I have corrected punctuation only not your grammar. No one told you to listen to me.

Spartan118 says...

True but it's more of a multiple personality poem and it doesn't bother me for punctuation

User avatar
802 Reviews

Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:58 am
Dracula wrote a review...

Greetings to you, Spartan118! This will be a short review because I see that most things I was going to point out have already been mentioned by the two other brilliant reviewers. But the thing that does really frustrate me is that first line and the lack of capitalisation. It really would make it near perfect if you fixed that. Okay, I read through this poem twice because I wanted to really get the feel of it. And your emotions are written beautifully, so much so that I can get a slight understanding of how you feel, even though I haven't experienced the same things. I liked the touch of repetition you used, such as 'but I'm scared' and starting lines by mentioning 'them'. I thought I should write about that last line too; I'm actually comfortable with it being in all caps. I don't think it makes the poem unprofessional, it just adds emphasis and extra emotion. That's the thing with poetry, there might be official 'rules' but they are meant to be broken. So if you want caps, use caps, I reckon they serve a good purpose in this poem. That's me done, I hope this review helped. :)

Spartan118 says...

Oh my god I literally argued with my best friend about the rules of poetry and stuff cause I told her that they're meant to be broken and not followed. I'm so glad that you agree with me on that one thing

User avatar
737 Reviews

Points: 7258
Reviews: 737

Mon Sep 05, 2016 3:32 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there Spartan118. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

So I actually won't have that much for this review because I'm going to bed very soon. But I came across you poem and then green room and I felt compelled to review. This will get you halfway there and hopefully another reviewer comes along soon.

Before I go anywhere with this review we need to discuss that final line. The final line is the reason I felt I had to review, just because it was bothering me so much. It really annoys me when authors use '?!' or some variation because it just looks like it belongs in a text. The same goes for all caps. They don't belong in a literary work, they belong in a text message. It almost drove me away if I hadn't have already started a review. If you'd like to get more readers that don't complain each and everything little thing, like I do. I would recommend changing that line up a bit right now.

Now I know the caps were used for emphasis but you could have use some other formatting. You could try bold or italics but I really think bold would be the best. It's as close as you can get to caps without virtually screaming at every passing by user.

The message that you're trying to get across is fairly relatable so that's a good thing in this case. It's something (an emotion pretty much) that everybody had felt at one time or another. I think it's this quality that will bring people in and sort of balance out the more awkward parts. I think I shou do probably explain further on this below.

What I mean is that some of the liens are ordered awkwardly while others are worded awkwardly. A couple of times I had to read a lien over and over again to get the meaning. Now this method is okay for an entire poem but readers won't like having to cosbtantly reread something to just get s little bit of the point. If I wasn't on mobile I would copy a couple of the lines down here but currently I can not.

I think you need to add punctuation to a couple of lines. At one or two up from the bottom, it needs to be a question mark because well you're questioning something. Whether you go with periods or commas you need to have some thing. Currently there is nothing to separate one thought from another and that really bothers me. It may not bother you but as a reader it ticks me off a bit.

That's about all I have for now. Good luck to you on future poems. Hope this helped you in some way. Please exscuse any typos because my mobile keyboard is acting up.
Have a nice day.
Happy RevMo.

Spartan118 says...

Ok first off let me say I'm not on a damn computer and second I literally pussy out every time I try to tell my family that I have other personalities it's more of a help me thing with the last line.

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Points: 5430
Reviews: 88

Mon Sep 05, 2016 3:17 am
Gummy wrote a review...

I don't know what led me to this particular poem, but I like to think of this as some sort of huge coincidence. Anyway, I'll cut to the chase: My name is Gummy, and I'm here to kick-start your poem with an official review!

Let's start with what I liked the most out of this poem: You stuck to the message you're trying to convey, and that's pretty much a guaranteed thumbs up from poetry enthusiasts like myself. I'm not sure how many people on this site relate to the theme you're proposing in this piece, but at the very least, I can easily relate to it since I... I used to fly off the handle pretty often back then. I tried to keep these feelings quiet because I needed to preserve my reputation as a good student.

Enough about me, I usually whine about poems without a rhyme scheme, but consider this a rare exception; I think it actually looks really good without a rhyme scheme or meter.

As for my nitpicks, I read the piece a few times over and found three sore thumbs. First off, I want to point out that the beginning of every line is capitalized... except that first letter T. You know how to effortlessly take care of that. Secondly, I found that the line "They came depression" steps in the way of the whole "story-telling" flow that the rest of this poem displays. If you can change that line so it conveys some logical thought, this piece will feel more enjoyable. Lastly, I wanted to give you some advice: If your speaker is screaming--whether it's internally or not--exclamation marks are almost always enough to prove a point. Unless it's a recurring theme with symbolism or the like, I'd suggest about writing in all Caps. I think it's a little unprofessional for the author to do so... but that's just me.

Overall, I think that this poem really speaks to me, not just as a personal experience but as a work of writing that serves an interesting story, even to those who can't relate to the topic at all. For professional reasons, I won't rate this any number of stars out of any number of stars, but I can easily say that this is one of the better poems I've read on this site. You did great and I love your style. It was a pleasure to read this piece from you. With that said, I'm out. Stay inspired, friend.

Spartan118 says...

This is actually true about me and it's how I wrote it down when I wrote this.

This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer