Is it alright to just give up,
To just forsake everything?
I don't know anymore,
But it feels right.
If I got deathly ill,
I wouldn't fight to survive.
I'd let it kill me.
If humanity went into fight or flight,
I'd be right there like what's the point.
I've pretty much given up,
Yet no one sees it only me.
Should I just leave and not tell anyone,
Or just waste away until death?
If I could figure out what I want,
Would I be happier or stay the way I am now?
Is it still alright to just give up and forsake everything,
Even after reading thing?
If you ask me, I would yes
Cause maybe in death a person would be happier.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi Spartan 118! I'm Saru, hopefully here to give a helpful review. I do mainly review poetry (don't know if they're all good or whatever) so here goes!
Maybe change your comma to a semicolon (;).
Maybe help the flow along by writing something like, "I'd be right there, thinking, What's the point?" with adding 'thinking' and quotation marks.
To smooth this out, maybe also add a semicolon in here in between 'it' and 'only'.
This didn't make sense to me. Can you clarify what this meant, or if there was an unnecessary word?
Did you mean, 'say yes'?
Try adding an apostrophe before Cause ('Cause) or change it to Because.
That's all I had to say about your poem. This was great (apparently i just had to add all the harsh punctuation stuff in) but I really did love this. Keep writing!
Saru
Thx and I will
Hello, Spartan118!
I usually don't like reading poems (I'm reading more on YWS nowadays), but this one was clear and simple and easy to understand, but it leaves room for various interpretations. Anyhou, this was wonderful, and there were only a few lines I couldn't understand.
"I'd be right there like what's the point."
***There's some missing punctuation here...
"Would I be happier or stay the way I am now?"
***This line is kind of confusing, did you mean 'if' instead of 'or'?
"Even after reading thing?
***"Even after reading this?"
"If you ask me, I would yes
Cause maybe in death a person would be happier."
***Missing comma in the first line, and if you are going to start a line with 'Cause', I reccomend an apostrophe before it.
Other than those minor fixes, this is pretty pretty.
Sincerely, SugarApple
Thx and I know about them but depression doesn't help when writing in my case