The night was dark. My rough, heavy breath puffed out in little icy clouds in front of me, the cool wind brushing my warm pink cheeks. The sky stretched out like a velvety dome above me, speckled with silver sprinkles and a smooth crescent moon. The moonlight glistened down upon the slanted, uneven apartment roofs. There was almost no noise except the hum of cars on the freeway, a distant rumble. It was quiet, peaceful, nothing but the yellow, blinking eyes of owls in the trees to watch me as I ran.
My hip ached, a stitch that burned at my ribs, and my ankles felt strained, but I kept going. Perspiration clung to my lips as a cough threatened my throat.
Slap, slap, slap. The worn-down bottoms of my hand-me-down sneakers slapped the cracked and crumbling concrete, a paint-streak beneath me as I flew with my head tilted to the stars. The constellations danced above me, dewdrops dripping from the dangling leaves that lined the path, glittering like stars that crashed down and planted themselves on the slick, green surfaces.
I took a sharp turn, down a path that strung itself between two apartment buildings. I bathed in the darkness that came, the silver glow barely filtering through the canopy of branches. The faster I ran, the closer I got to the end, and the louder a soft trickling became. I then broke through into the light, my footsteps halting on a wet blanket of grass, and I had to marvel at the scene before me. I stared, despite the months-worth of nights I had escaped to this little nighttime heaven. Under the delicate, hanging touch of willow trees, carved between the earth, a river ran, clear and glassy and blue. A slightly arched bridge, carved out of wood with a cobblestone base, sat above it, in exactly the right place so that the moon hovered above it. Like a painting, and I found my burning, tired body entranced by the beauty I so rarely came across.
I ran up the the bridge, where I collapsed in a sweaty pile and kicked my legs over. My stomach ached like a black hole, sucking and sucking and empty as space itself. The empty, fiery feeling spread like thick, twisting roots through my helpless, bony body. Hunger. With my forehead pressed against the splintered railing of the bridge, my hand drifted up to my shirt, hanging loosely off my shoulders. I could feel my ribs through the thin, faded fabric. I stared at my legs, twigs drifting back and forth above the miniature waves. My skin seemed stretched against my bones, a skeleton of porcelain. Nothing could replace the hunger, the tired feeling that poisoned my limbs. The thought of soft, moist chocolate cake, decorated in rich, sugary icing made my stomach moan, but I could not. I would not. Never.
This was the only beauty I could get, this beautiful night, these willow trees and this stream. Me. Sitting here, a skeleton with skin of marble, that felt as if it could rip like wax paper. With sunken eyes and cheek bones that sat high and defined, and shoulders that sagged. With thin hair, wet with moisture, clinging in ringlets to my forehead, and thin, shaking fingers that I tucked beneath each opposite arm, against my ribs. I could feel the thump of my heart.
Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump...
On and on.
I'm so tired.
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138,327 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Hi StuckOnEarth,
Mailice here with a short review!
Wow. You have a very expressive way of describing something and keep it up throughout the story. I like that and it kept me reading the whole time because I was so moved by your writing style.
You start to show really good charisma right from the beginning, and it's noticeable that the short story is more along the lines of the journey being the destination rather than the end. It seems very spiritual in parts even though I got a feeling of unease at times, and yet it gave a very nice background with all the descriptions you did.
I have to say, I am a little thrilled and puzzled by the first section. You give the reader a springboard to fall into your literary hole, but at the same time, I think the sentences seem a bit choppy in structure. With that, I think it might just help to rewrite something or try to go more into metaphor like you show in a section later on. Here, the repetition along with the structure of the sentences shows that you're on the right track, but still have some teething problems.
That is probably the only criticism I have here. From the next section on, everything seems much more fluid. By that I don't mean that the first section is bad, but a bit like a car starting up that hasn't downshifted. It still seems bumpy. But apart from that, you give the story a really strong philosophical and interesting approach. You give the reader a question.
I also liked that the character stayed in the first person perspective and that you created a feeling of closeness.
In general, a very great story!
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hey SpaceSnickerdoodle,
Shady here with a review for you!
Wow, just reading the first paragraph has me thoroughly impressed. Your descriptions are absolutely phenomenal. You do an excellent job of getting all of our senses engaged, with showing not only what the scene looks like, but also how it was cold and the MC's cheeks were warm to engage our sensory perception, as well as make us imagine we can hear the cars.
It is just all around an excellent start to the story. It makes me want to read on, even though plot-wise there's not really much here so I'm not sucked in to your story line yet, I still want to read because I want to continue imagining this scene that you so masterfully lay out for us here. Very well done!
Kicked your legs over what? The edge of the bridge? Maybe make that a bit clearer?
~ ~ ~
This was a very well written piece. As I already mentioned, your description and imagery are absolutely incredible. The description of the starvation was chilling. However, I don't fully understand who your MC is or why they are running. I think your piece could be improved if you make this a bit longer and add in details, as to who this person is, why they're running, and other backstories that help us relate to/sympathize with your character better.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thank you for the review!^^ I appreciate it.
Hey there! I'm Charles and I'm here to review your story.
You have a lot of great imagery here--a lot of words and phrases that are impressive and show a really nice understanding of how words work together.
Sometimes, though, it's a little much. Let me tell you a story. One time, when I was in middle school, I got a story published in the school literary magazine, and I was so stinkin' proud of myself, and my English teacher said, "I liked your poem in the literary magazine." And I was like …. excuse me? Poem?
I was kind of annoyed that she called it a poem, but I looked at it again, and even though it didn't have a meter or rhyme scheme, it was basically a poem because it a) didn't make sense and b) was sort of just a string of images.
Now, I must say, you are a much better writer than I was in seventh grade. But I still see a lot here that just screams "poetry." You've answered all but one of the classic storytelling questions… you have a who, what, where, when… but why? If you condense some of your imagery you're going to have a much easier time getting a point across, and your reader will be much less likely to skim through sections.
So maybe you're thinking, "But this is a short story, I don't need a lot of character development, there doesn't really need to be a clear-cut point." And you're absolutely right. But nonetheless, I found that I kind of wanted to get something out of this scene because of all the imagery and emotions, but there wasn't much of a story. You really just need to throw in a line or two of story to get to that point. And take out some of the excess words, figurative language, etc.
I think this quote has a lot of potential:
I think that this can make for some interesting kind of light story-telling. You don't need names, you don't need a backstory. You just need some kind of point or "aha!" moment.
You really have a way with words. Some parts of this story really had me smiling at the technique. I think you just need to work on combining that with some storytelling.
The other big thing I noticed was that I think you should end with "On and on" not "I'm so tired." I didn't really get why that was placed there, but of course, that's just my opinion. I say this is a big thing because it was the last sentence, but if you take my suggestion it's an easy fix.
This was a good draft and I enjoyed reading it! Let me know if you want me to review something else in the future!
Happy writing!
Thank you.^^