Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General

E - Everyone

Frozen Honor Chapter 1 LMS week 2

by Soulkana


Ariana shivers as the veil of ice that hides their community crosses her skin while stepping onto the cobblestone street of the Ryandr’s Ally. The magic feels familiar and she savors for a few minutes the gentle sense of home that it offers before steeling her resolve and slipped into a less used street in direction of the south. She didn’t want to see the shop she often bought her familiar’s treats, his death just a week prior, still cracked away at her control. It was far too soon to attempt to find another one, she had decided and allowed the tension to slip as she finally stepped out onto the main street, several minutes later.

Before her stands a tall, otherworldly building made of a beautiful, exotic sky blue material that wasn’t found in their land. The bank’s design was very intriguing and Ariana smiles faintly as she remembers her hours long inspection of the place as a small child before she had finally gotten the nerve to go inside. The two pale, alert guards give her fanged grins as she waves in familiar welcome as she opens the door.

The bank lies mostly empty as she enters. Most of the students and their parents would still be traveling either home or out of the country for whatever reasons. It meant it was safer to come here than it was during the school year, she muses to herself. Standing patiently in front of one of the tellers, she waits quietly as he finishes his task.

Bewitching silver eyes peer at her as he finally looks her way and asks with a whimsical tilt of his head, “How may I be of service, Heiress Ravenswood?”

Pulling free from her jacket, an official letter from her account manager, Ariana respectfully requests, “I have a meeting with Master Irvan, Master Teller. I would appreciate your company to his office if it suites you and your time.”

“One moment, Heiress Ravenswood.” The vampire teller smiles with an almost sinister glee to escape his own desk as he stands to motion to a nearby worker to take his spot.

With a sweeping gesture, the teller invites her to follow. Stepping besides the teller with ease, Ariana turns her thoughts inward as she questions why her account manager was different. It was very discerning for such a thing to happen when most of the families whom employed the vampires for their accounts, never changed in all their immortal lives unless something grave has occurred.

Startled out of her thoughts by the sharp knock from the teller. She glances over at the door where a beautiful silver nameplate spelled out “Master Irvan, Master Accountant,” in a beautiful gold cursive font. A warm, soft voice bids them permission to enter and she reluctantly steps into the office, in hopes of a peaceful meeting.

As the door shuts behind her, she hears the voice once more in greeting, “Welcome, Heiress Ravenswood. It is a pleasure to meet you outside our usual letters.”

She glances towards the desk and hides her shock at the rare sight. Blinking slowly to take in the odd image, she muses silently that it shouldn’t be too surprising. Despite the commonality of traits in vampires, those from other countries weren’t the same. Unlike the others here, this particular one had very light colored hair and unusual expressive eyes that follows her as she crosses to stand by the chair in front of his desk. He studies her as she does him for several minutes as she takes in the white, blond locks that fell in gentle waves to waist and his entrancing golden eyes that seem to give her a sense of warmth.

Pulling her eyes away, Ariana bows appropriately to the man as she greets finally, “Thank you, Master Irvan for allowing me to meet you after school had let out for the term.”

"If we are to get anything done this evening as is desperately needed, please allow us to forgo the usual formalities that dictate the magickal hierarchy." Master Irvan's eyes shimmered in the torch light while his voice remained musical as they both took their seats

Gracefully taking the seat provided, Ariana takes a light breath to steady her inner anxiety before asking, “Did the coven find out why I wasn’t receiving the statement upon re-entering our society as custom for anyone with an account?”

A frigid stare imposes on the once warm gold eyes, turning them into a very chilling glare as Master Irvan speaks, voice similarly chilled, “Our chief looked into your accounts up to the dates of your parents deaths when you were just a toddler. It was learned that someone was taking advantage of your youth and ineligibility to claim the vaults to steal from you, Heiress.”

Master Irvan winces lightly as the young Heiress’s aura turns to a icy blade that seems to fill the room with her rage. Once memorising warm amber eyes flecked with a dark chocolate brown burns to a very intense white blue that seems to stop his breath as he watches her struggle to relax her magic as it begins to film over the floor with ice.

“He’s dead, correct?” Animalistic eyes bear into his own as her pupils turn to slits and a ghostly form of fox ears and multiple tails manifest in her aura as she glares him down with a spike of killing intent.

“Yes, once his crimes were discovered, he was left out in the sun to perish to ash, young Heiress.” Irvan soothes with his own murderous aura as he grins sadistically at the memory.

Feeling a budding headache for her loss of composure, Ariana ruthlessly pushes down her anger and desire for the previous accountant’s blood to focus on the important goal she needed for coming. Letting out an explosive sigh as she finally calms her aura and allows the ice to disappear, she calmly glances back to her accountant with a nod to show she no loner would destroy his office in her rage.

“As your family and you godmother’s families have always been friends to the Coven, it has caused us great dishonor for one of our Coven to break trust of a Friend to our Coven. We would not let it slide for such a betrayal. Since you express a desire to leave for awhile, we must discover your inheritance and possible taints so we may insure that you have all that you need in your plans.” Irvan calmly reassures as he watches the Heiress smile faintly.

“Very well, have you prepared the items I requested in my last missive to you?” Ariana asks while the accountant pulls from his desk, a set of crystals.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
546 Reviews


Points: 28166
Reviews: 546

Donate
Wed Oct 03, 2018 4:28 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here.

What I like

Wow this chapter was even better than the last one. I can see that your writing has gotten a lot better so keep up the good work. I know i said this in the last review but i'm going to say it again. I really like it that your chapters are nice and long it gives me more time to enjoy what you have wrote.

The plot

As I read further into your book i can see to plot coming into play. It's just brilliant. I like it that you don't take to long to get your chapters interesting. You seem to just dive right in from the very start. And by doing that you get your readers interested from the very beginning.

The characters

Gosh the more I read the more i find out about the characters in this book. I really like the emotion you put into them when they talk, because when they do you can just feel how they are feeling. But I would like a bit more speech that all I can really say about that.

The setting

Your setting in this chapter is a lot better than the last so great work. I can tell the more you write the better your writing is getting. When I read i'm getting a nice clear image in my head. So that a great start.

So that is all from me. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 317
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:37 am
regismare wrote a review...



Hey, Soulkana! regismare here on this review day to review this first chapter!

I really enjoyed reading this. I like the concept and how you seem to have enjoyed writing it quite a bit - or, at least, I get a sense of enthusiasm when I read it, which is always good. Your main character is likeable and the reader bonds with her instantly, which is muy bien, and the world is introduced thoroughly to us so there's a clear understanding of what's going on.

However, there might be a little too much information. You give us a lot here, and it's mostly told rather than shown. All of this would have taken a long time to show, which is probably a sign that there's too much information to be dumped. You could sprinkle it more evenly throughout the chapter - or throughout the story as a whole. It'd also give you more time to develop your characters and immediate settings.

Now, for the nitpicks:

She didn’t want to see the shop she often bought her familiar’s treats, his death just a week prior, still cracked away at her control.

This sentence could use some rearranging. It sounds awkward and the two subordinate clauses shouldn't really be joined like that.

The bank’s design was very intriguing

How was it intriguing? Show what's so intriguing, rather than tell.

“Master Irvan, Master Accountant,”

This should probably be in italics rather than quote marks so it isn't confused with dialogue.

the office, in hopes of a peaceful meeting.

You don't need the comma here.

Feeling a budding headache for her loss of composure

This bit is a little unclear. Rephrase it, maybe?

This was a great read, and I'd love to keep up with it if you post more. I hope this review was helpful to you in some way.

-regismare




User avatar
385 Reviews


Points: 62589
Reviews: 385

Donate
Wed Mar 01, 2017 1:41 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Yo, Soulkana!

So, another interesting chapter! We get to know some things and vampires. I love vampires, and I'm excited to see how they're going to be portrayed in your writing!

I noticed every once in a while the writing seems to slip out of present tense into past (and present is the one I'm pretty sure you're intending for the writing to be in). I've done this a lot and I still do this a lot. It's not a huge deal but it can become distracting for the reader or cause confusion, so I would look out for it/pay a bit more attention!

I feel like a lot of information is getting passed onto the reader at once. Especially in fantasy stories, you should be sure to gradually send out the information. Too much at once can get confusing, hectic, and sometimes boring. So much is going on that it can be hard not to try and explain something, but taking a step of world building before presenting other ideas can help.

The ending doesn't feel as conclusive as the ending of a chapter should (I'm actually not sure if this is the last part of the chapter, so this'll be brief). If it is the end of your chapter, maybe making it more ominous/tie it together more! It adds a feeling of wholeness and desire for the reader to read more. Also, tiny grammar thing in the last sentence: comma after "desk" isn't necessary.

I love Ariana's magic. It's really clear from the descriptions that she's hecka powerful and I'm excited to see where it goes? Anyway, the descriptions of her magic were lovely and that really brings more of her character through!

Master Irvan winces lightly as the young Heiress’s aura turns to a icy blade that seems to fill the room with her rage. Once memorising warm amber eyes flecked with a dark chocolate brown burns to a very intense white blue that seems to stop his breath as he watches her struggle to relax her magic as it begins to film over the floor with ice.



I absolutely love this part - like I said, beautiful description.

I think I said this in my last review but I love Ariana. She's great so far - and a likable character at the beginning of a story is important!

Have a wonderful day! <3

~EternalRain





The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians