12+ Mature Content

The Changing Stars (Chapter 1.2) (LMS)

We rushed out into the cold air as the final bell rang behind Kenny and I. A smile touched my lips as I envisioned my little siblings at home waiting for us to arrive.

Kenny bumped my arm lightly, smiling that devil smile of hers.

“Rowan’s cute now isn’t he?” She said quietly, linking arms with me.

I sighed, “Yes, I suppose he is.”

Mackenzie laughed slightly, pulling me to our car at a faster pace then I wanted. She was built like an athlete, strong and fierce. Whereas, I was less athletic, and less apt to be rushing through the ankle-length snow. My parents said we were like night and day. Kenny, with her long, straight blonde hair, long legs, and ocean blue eyes. Me, with my dark, thick, long curls, and forest green eyes. Her tall, me short. We were different, but I couldn’t have loved her more.

The short drive to our house flew by. I couldn’t wait to tell Dad about Rowan. He had been there with me when I was little, watching Rowan, Kenny, and I grow up before his eyes. In fact, he was the only one that had known him, other than Kenny and I. My stepmom had never met him, and Kenny’s Dad had passed away. It was a bit sad to think about.

“Braylie! Kenny!” A sweet voice called as it rushed out to meet my sister and I on the walkway.

The blunt force of the six-year-old hit me, almost knocking me over. I laughed and wrapped my arms around her.

“Rosie.” I whispered, kissing the top of her chestnut head lightly. Her brown eyes glowed up at me as she jumped up and down lightly in front of us. Her brown skin almost glowed in the light. She was a beautiful little girl.

“Come on, sweetheart, we can’t make Mom, Dad, and Cody wait much longer.” I joked taking her hand as she guided me into the house.

I hugged my nine-year-old brother and ruffled his blonde hair, “Hey, Codes. Where’s Dad?”
“Mom and Dad are in the kitchen.” He pointed, wiping the brown substance from his face. What I could only hope was chocolate.

I rushed into the kitchen, hearing Kenny’s laughter as she greeted our younger siblings.

“Hey, honey!” My stepmom called, giving me one of her sweet smiles. “How was school?”
“Actually.” I twirled a curl around my finger. “Really interesting. You’ll never believe who was there, Mom!”
“Really?” She laughed. “I didn’t expect for you to say anything back. You usually just say ‘good’. Well, I’m glad I asked. Come on, sit down, tell me.”

“I will, I will.” I nodded, looking around the room. “But, where’s Dad? He said he was going to be home from work early?”
“He’s here.” My Dad’s voice boomed as he walked into the room, eyes sparkling. I smiled and ran over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I felt like a little girl again when I did that. Safe in my daddy’s arms. He had been my number one since birth. Always by my side.

I let go of him, pulling into a chair at the table. “Dad! I have news. Come on, sit down.”
“Okay, my girl, I guess I will.” He kissed Mom’s cheek gently, sitting down next to her. They were the picture of a happily married couple. I could only hope that my future looked somewhat like theirs.

“Remember Rowan from when I was little? You worked with his Mom.” I asked, adjusting in my chair.

“Rowan? Of course, I remember him. He was over the house just about every day.” Dad laughed, running a hand through his dark curls that mirrored my own. “Don’t tell me he lives here now? That would be amazing.”

“He does! Apparently, he just moved in with his Grandmother. His parents still live in New York.”

“Who lives in You Nork?” A squeaky little voice popped up next to me.

“New York!” We all reminded Rosie, laughing as I scooped her up onto my lap. She shrugged happily, turning to face me as she stroked my long hair.

“My friend lived there. So did I.” I replied to my little sister, tilting my head. She nodded as if she was just remembering that me and Dad lived somewhere else before he remarried and adopted her.

“Well, you’ve got to have him over some time.” Mom smiled. “I’d love to meet him. I used to hear so much about him when you were little.”

I agreed adamantly. I had told my step-mother my entire life story when I’d met her as my pediatric nurse. Little did my chatty younger self know that my Dad would end up falling for her. They were truly the epidemy of a dream couple. The single Dad, struggling to raise his daughter alone in a new town. The pediatric nurse filled with love to give to someone. Once they got married and we adopted Kenny, it just seemed that the right life started for my family. We were different than others, just learning how to begin as a family of four. It wasn’t always easy. I had struggled as a kid, knowing that my biological mother wanted little to no contact with me as I grew. I honestly don’t know what I would have done had my step-mother not become the best mother figure. I had my Dad, and he was enough, but she just fit right in with us.

“… we do need to talk to the both of you sometime soon. It’s important.” Mom stated, grabbing my Dad’s hand tightly.

“What?” I asked, unaware of what had happened while I was lost deep in my thoughts. They reassured me that they really hadn’t said anything, just that there was something they needed to say. That worried me a little, to say the least.

“You have got to be kidding me.” I whispered loudly, peering over the staircase at Kenny. I glanced at the clock. 10:00 P.M.

“What?” She shrugged defensively, rearranging the magnetic letters on the fridge. “You know that Tara is having a party. What, did you think I was skipping it?”
I rubbed my eyes, walking all the way down the stairs.

“We’re watching the kids tomorrow. You won’t be able to do that if you’re upstairs sick as a dog. And what about Rowan?”
“Rowan will be fine. So will the kids. So will I.” She attempted to reassure, patting me on the arm. “Besides I won’t be out that late. I’ll be home by two.”

Kenny checked her eyeliner on the reflection of the microwave, giving me a clear view of what she wrote on the fridge. 220 Handler Street.

“That’s the worst part of town.” I gestured at the letters, sighing heavily.

“There is no ‘worst part’ of Massachusetts, Braylie.” Mackenzie replied, giving an annoyed look. Her face changed when she saw me looking at her with worry in my eyes.

“Bray, I’ll be fine. You know this is why we started this system. I write down the address, the time I’ll be home, and who I’m going with. You can call the police, the fire department, the hospital, our parents, whoever you want after two.” Kenny pulled me into a hug lightly. “I’m smarter than I look. If I see anything out of hand, I’ll get out of there. I’ll be fine. I always am.”
“But one of these times you might not be.” I pleaded, knowing of how immature and dangerous drinking at our age was. It was a common thing for people our age to do. I knew that. But it was such an easy way to get hurt, either by someone else or herself. I loved her to much to let her go without trying to convince her.

“You have to promise me that this is the only one this weekend. You can’t go tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah.” Kenny stepped back, pulling her hair into a ponytail. “I won’t go out again this weekend. But no promises about next week.”
She kissed me on the cheek and straightened the magnets.

“Be back before you know it. Get some sleep. Love you.”

She rushed out the door and left me in the kitchen alone. I hugged my arms around me, hoping to get rid of some of the cold. I sat at the kitchen table, prepared for a long night. I just couldn’t bare to go to sleep, knowing that she might need me. Ever since her Dad had died when we were little, she had developed this crazy side of her personality that needed to be let out. It hurt me to know that she might screw up her life in such a predictable way. We had developed the system at the beginning of high school, when she would go to stupid little sleepovers with her friends.

“Braylie!” My shoulders as someone gripped them. “Wake up!”
I opened my eyes quickly, filled with fear that something was wrong.

“Come on, it’s 1:30.” Kenny’s voice whispered. “I’m home. Let’s go to bed.”
“Are you drunk?” I asked, wiping my eyes with my hands.

“Not that much.” She giggled, pulling me up from my chair.

“You’re wasted.” I answered. “Come on, let’s get you upstairs.”

Kenny stumbled up the stairs as I tried to quiet her, still half asleep myself. I got her into bed, and plopped down onto my own.

“Braylie?” Kenny chuckled.

“What?”

“I love you so much. We should buy you a pony.” Kenny smiled, rolling onto her back with her arms spread out. “Or a boyfriend. I should buy you a boyfriend.”
“I don’t need a boyfriend, Ken.” I sighed, rolling onto my side. “I just need you to go to sleep.”
I got no reply, so I peered over my shoulder to find my sister curled up peacefully, a smile on her face. It almost made me forgive her for pulling the stunt she did that day.

Thanks for reading! I hope you continue on with it. I promise it will get more interesting :)

Comments & reviews · 4
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Dulcet
Review
Dulcet wrote a review · Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:53 am

What I would give to have a family like Braylie's, lol. It's so tight-knit; you did such a wonderful job of showing their warm relationships with each other!

I haven't read any of the previous reviews, so apologies if this was already mentioned but, I think I only have a single problem with this part:

“Bray, I’ll be fine. You know this is why we started this system. I write down the address, the time I’ll be home, and who I’m going with. You can call the police, the fire department, the hospital, our parents, whoever you want after two.” Kenny pulled me into a hug lightly. “I’m smarter than I look. If I see anything out of hand, I’ll get out of there. I’ll be fine. I always am.”


I feeeeel like the bolded dialogue is unrealistic; it comes off as if it were only said for the reader's sake. In real life, if both Bray and Kenny already know the system, then there'd be no reason for Kenny to explicitly state out loud what the system is, I think? If anything, Braylie could mention in her narration how the system works... but honestly, I don't think we need to be explicitly told what the system is. I personally already got the gist of it with this line:

Kenny checked her eyeliner on the reflection of the microwave, giving me a clear view of what she wrote on the fridge. 220 Handler Street.

“That’s the worst part of town.” I gestured at the letters, sighing heavily.


The above does a great job of showing us a bit of how the system works. I inferred from this line that Braylie disapproves of Kenny going to that address. If, later, Braylie just mentions something like "I'll wait until 2am before I call the police", the readers will then know all about the system, in a much more natural way than having Kenny explain it for us.

Buuuut that aside, I absolutely love love love that they have a system like this, because, like, it's an accurate depiction of real life, where only really close friends/families have 'systems' between them that only they understand. It does a wonderful job of showing us how much Bray and Kenny care about each other and how long they've known each other <3

... Now I'm waiting for something to happen to Kenny and break Braylie's (and my) heart xD I'm also waiting for some more moments with Braylie's dad; I think the parents' personalities are a bit lackluster here? While Rosie (who is absolutely adorbs) gets her memorable moment with "Who lives in You Nork?" the parents are kind of forgettable in comparison. The dad especially could be a bit more unique and memorable besides being a typical loving father, I think. Of course though, this is just his introduction, and he'll get more chances to make me love him later on, haha.

Overall though, this was a great read. We now have all the important characters introduced (I assume there's no more characters anyway, besides Bray's biological mother) and I look forward to seeing them more! I love Kenny especially, just because of her lines like "I should buy you a boyfriend." xD

Oh, and I almost forgot - a thorough proofread might be in order since I spotted a few typos here and there. Nothing too big, except this sentence:

“Braylie!” My shoulders as someone gripped them. “Wake up!”


There's a missing word in there I think. Other than that, your writing style is very clean and easy to follow - it's just the typos that might cause some confusion, haha.

I'll be reviewing these chapters sporadically, but hopefully I'm still of some help! As always, ask questions or yell at me if you need to. Thank you for the lovely read, and I hope you have a lovely day~!

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SnowGhost
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I'm really liking how loving and caring the family is. The connection you describe and show between each family member is awesome! People don't always mention the family of the main characters often, or they make their family uncaring and annoying.
But I really love when family is a part of a story. :)

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like the family scenes :) I am really close with my family, so I guess it just comes along with my writing!

Thanks!

Sheadun

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Wed Jul 04, 2018 2:05 am

Hello again!!

I'll start again with things that worked for me. I liked that we're getting to see more of "normal" life for Braylie before the plot starts to intensify and things start to go down. I really liked that we got to see her family because it's easy to forget about family in YA stories! (I know I'm guilty of this :p) I also liked that we got to see more interactions with Braylie/Kenny and see how they look out for one another and care for each other.

I feel like the formatting got messed up when you posted this. There were three small scenes in this segment (Braylie talking to her parents, Braylie talking to Kenny, Kenny coming home) and there wasn't a transition between them which makes me think you meant for a scene break to be there and YWS just didn't translate that. If that's the case, you can break the scenes up by putting *** or something similar on a line of it's own after a scene to show a scene is done and a new one is starting.

I was a little surprised by the parents. They seem too nice and too cool. It's great that the girls have fun, supportive parents, but right now they don't feel like parents to me they feel like fun older siblings. I was surprised that Kenny was allowed to go out to a party like that (more on that later) and that her parents were so calm and reasonable about Rowan. Not that they need to be harsh and mean, but I hope we get to see them in more than just a fun/cool light.

And with the party, this is obviously a common occurrence for Kenny. I like the juxtaposition with their personalities that Kenny is the popular one who goes out every weekend, and Braylie is the careful one who stays at home and worries. I really like that Braylie cares so much about her sister. Do their parents let Kenny go out like that? Do they know she's going out or does she sneak out? Do they know how late she gets home and that she drinks? If Kenny is sneaking out and if the parents don't know what's going on, how does Braylie feel about that and what does she think of that?

I'm still intrigued to read more, so tag me when you update pretty please! Looking forward to seeing where you take this! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention :D

Oh my gosh, I completely forgot to add so much detail to this %uD83D%uDE48 Their parents do NOT know about the parties! Tbh I might have forgotten all about them with that part. Whoops! I%u2019m a mess. You are so helpful!

Thank you!

Sheadun

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Bloodlord
Review

Hi, Bloodlord here again for a review!

I enjoyed this chapter. You introduced us to the family really well, and you can really tell how much everyone cares for each other. I especially like your portrayal of Kenny. She seems so full of fun, almost to the point of delinquency, and yet behind her crazy personality is tragic loss. The way in which you weave in the history of their family is fluid and natural, with just the right amount of description.

I think all the content is great, so I'm just going to touch up on a few of the nitpicky things:

"We rushed out into the cold air as the final bell rang behind Kenny and I."

Something more like, "Kenny and I rushed into the cold air as the final bell rang behind us." seems more natural and fluid.

"Rowan's cute now isn't he?"

Putting a comma after now would indicate the space she would probably have when she says this out loud.

"Whereas, I was less athletic..."

The 'whereas' here seemed a little unnecessary. I think just starting with "I was less...." would make more sense.

" 'Rosie.' I whispered..."

I noticed that in a lot of places, you put a period instead of a comma at the end of quotations. In any place where you have "S/he said", "s/he replied", "s/he whispered", etc., a comma instead of a period is necessary since you are referring to how the phrase was spoken.

"watching Rowan, Kenny, and I grow up..."

With these kinds of things, you want to see if the pronoun still works if you take away the list. Since you wouldn't say "watching I grow up", 'me' instead of 'I' would be best.


Also, when I first read the transition between Bray talking to her parents and Kenny sneaking off to the party, I was a little confused about whether they were part of the same scene or not. Maybe adding some kind of separation would make it easier to understand.


I really enjoyed reading. Please keep writing!!

H! Thanks again for another great review! I will totally start using separators as well to make it more clear :) Quotatio-wise, do you mean saying %u201CRosie,%u201D... instead of the period? I used to do that but someone told me it was wrong! Ah, I guess I%u2019ll go back to it. :)

Thanks so much!

Sheadun



The grand in the hotel rings with broken tunes; the guests frown; the concierge winces. But the blue-hatted boy is happy and braver than they.
— TheMythMaster