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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

LMS VI: Shadows & Dragonfire - Chapter 1.6

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Word  Count: 1133

Chapter 1.6

Wound tended, Lorne retired to the barn so he could rest. He fell asleep to the sounds of people shouting and moving things about, of hammers on wood and metal and the whoosh of the local blacksmith's forge. Alvena and the others would see to the village and make sure they were ready for the creature's next visit.

Some time later, he woke to the sound of swearing and the tawng of an arrow being fired. He had no idea how long he'd been asleep, but he jolted upright with a dagger drawn, eyes darting about the barn. He'd decided to sleep on the ground this time.

"Fuck!" Vena said, loudly, and Lorne twisted to peer in the general direction of the elf woman. "Stay still, damn you!"

The barn was dark--which didn't tell him much since it would be dark anyway--and there were only a small handful of torches lit above him in the loft. He grimaced and climbed to his feet, moving to get a better look up into the loft--which wasn't much of a better look, to be honest. Lorne ignored the horse staring at him and frowned.

"Vena? What's wrong?" he called, concerned. "Is it back?"

"No, it is not the creature," she hissed and Lorne decided it was best to go find the ladder and climb up to see what in the hells she was on about. "It is a pigeon."

That made him pause briefly before he finished climbing and peeked over the top of the ladder into the loft to see her. "A what?"

"A bird!" she growled, firing another arrow out the loft window. Lorne raised an eyebrow. "And it is...fast. Why can I not hit it?"

Lorne stared at her as she seethed with frustration for a moment then climbed fully into the loft and moved to join her by the window. "What in all the lands is a pigeon?"

Vena sent him a scathing look. "You have never seen a pigeon before? What rock have you been sleeping beneath for the last few years?"

He crouched beside her and peered out the loft window, frowning. "If you count an isolated, ruined castle as rock," he said, trying to figure out what bird she was talking about, "then I suppose, technically, I have been?"

She snorted. "You are a strange human."

Lorne sent her a look. "One of my ancestors was an elf, though I doubt that has much effect on my bloodline anymore."

Vena studied him for a moment and then turned back to the window. "I suppose, if one considers you quite handsome to a more-than-usual degree, perhaps."

He nodded at that and continued to look for the bird. "So, this pigeon. What's it look like?"

At that moment, there was a soft coo and a grey bird with black and white specks across the wings alighted on the edge of the loft. They stared at it for a moment and then Vena pointed at it.

"Like that."

"Huh."

The pigeon strutted back and forth a few times, head bobbing and cooing softly before Vena raised her bow and aimed an arrow at it. She missed. Lorne was surprised. It was like the arrow went sideways. The pigeon stopped, cocked its head at them and cooed again. And then it took off like nothing had happened.

Lorne stared after it for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "that was weird."

They spent several hours sitting watch in the loft, calmly discussing pigeons and birds and magic, trying to figure out why Vena had missed at such a close range. Lorne didn't think she could have missed when it was less than two feet from them and felt it was odd that the arrow had gone wide. It was even odder than the pigeon didn't seem to care beyond giving them what had to be an amused look, now that he considered it properly.

Of course, that didn't mean the issue of the creature was gone.

It just mean the thing didn't show up that night. Or the next. Or the one after that.

Which left them lingering in the village for nearly a week before it returned.

~*~*~*~

Lorne stood panting over an injured Issy, glowering into the shadows around them. They'd taken to setting up a two-person watch over the village. It had been a long week of planning and preparing, of digging traps and teaching the villages how to fight--as Vena had been doing for months now--and now, here they were, with a seemingly dead beast and his little brother injured.

"Are you sure it is dead?" Vena asked from somewhere behind him and Lorne shook his head.

"It certainly looks dead, but I wouldn't put much stock in appearances right now. You remember how it tossed your own arrow back at us last time?"

"Yes."

It had done that again, with almost every arrow Alvena had fired at it until, at last, they'd tricked it into one of the traps they had set up around the edges of the village. Luckily, they'd only lost two villagers the last time it'd shown up and, amazingly, none tonight.

"Lorne...?" Issy asked, sounding pained. "It is dead, right?"

"I hope so," he said, edging forwards a step to nudge a giant, limp paw. Nothing happened, so he nudged it again. The beast twitched and that resulted in a soft twang and an arrow sailing past to lodge itself into the beast's hide, somewhere near the hip.

There was a beat of absolute stillness, the silence so deep that it felt like they were barely breathing, and then the beast began to disinegrate right before their eyes. Lorne stared at it, eyes wide as the fur and flesh seemed to melt right off the bones and then those bones crumbled into dust, leaving nothing behind but a pile of ash.

"Well," Vena said, coming to stand beside him. "That was a surprise."

Lorne cleared his throat and nodded. "You can say that again."

"You know magical creatures are the only things that might do this when they die, right?" Vena quiered softly and Lorne glanced towards her.

"Really?"

"Mmhmm." She looked at Issy, who was looking pale and pained. "As you would know, Islwyn, since you killed five dragons."

Issy winced. "Actually... I have a confession to make about that..."

Lorne eyed his little brother warily. "What kind of confession?"

His brother looked away, avoiding his gaze. "I never actually fought any dragons," he whispered. "They were all dead or dying by the time I got there...and then they did...that..." He pointed at the beast. "Exactly that."

Lorne looked from his brother to the remains of the beast--nothing now but ash--and back. "So when you said you killed the dragons...you were lying?"

"In a sense?" Issy muttered, shrugging. "Yes and no. The dying ones asked me to finish them... so I guess I killed, maybe...two of them?"

He sighed deeply. "We need to work on your finer points, I think."


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Fri Jan 06, 2023 3:57 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey Scar, I'm back yet again in the hopes I can get this chapter finished over the weekend!

I think I'm losing track of the passing of time here because we've had so many small jumps of time over the course of this chapter. You mention that the barn is dark but not necessarily because it's night time and then Lorne and Vena spend some hours talking but there's nothing to ground me as the reader back to where we are in terms of time passing. Because of all the scene switches, it would be helpful to refer back to light of the sky, or meal times or something as a bit of an anchor.

The pigeon encounter amused me, but I can't really work out what it's purpose was. You hint at the fact that Vena can't shoot the bird but the whole thing felt like a strange thing to focus on. I would maybe think about whether you need it in the story when you come to revise. If it's an important plot point, some further emphasis on it might help!

Do Lorne and team really have time to be staying around in the village helping them all fight this beast? I appreciate that they want to help and honestly I'd probably be mad at them if they did leave them in this state, but none of them seem to mention that they actually need to be going to get back to Lorne/Issy's family. It's almost like the big quest has been completely forgotten in favour of this (to pinch game terminology) side quest.

The death of the beast also seemed a bit abrupt and I agree with Kate that it's kind of anti-climactic? I just feel that everything is going so quickly and we're only in chapter one!

I have a lot of thoughts on the pacing but I'm going to read the end of the chapter and then get back to you so that I can sum it all up in one go and save repeating myself.

Also, the revelation about Issy didn't totally surprise me, but I love that for his character <3

Happy Friday!

Icy




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Sat Dec 24, 2022 8:31 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! We've almost managed to reach halfway now of the uploaded parts...I think I'll at least make it that far.

First Impression: Okayyy more interesting things being revealed left and right here, and while I am mildly disappointed this creature ended up dying in such a short time that felt a touch anticlimactic given its earlier appearance I do love the mystery that has sprung up around its death.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Wound tended, Lorne retired to the barn so he could rest. He fell asleep to the sounds of people shouting and moving things about, of hammers on wood and metal and the whoosh of the local blacksmith's forge. Alvena and the others would see to the village and make sure they were ready for the creature's next visit.

Some time later, he woke to the sound of swearing and the tawng of an arrow being fired. He had no idea how long he'd been asleep, but he jolted upright with a dagger drawn, eyes darting about the barn. He'd decided to sleep on the ground this time.


Welp that was pretty sudden there to be jumping into immediately. Did not expect to have this creature or some other danger just pop up like that so, so quickly after the previous appearance, but it appears that we will be diving in anyway.

"Vena? What's wrong?" he called, concerned. "Is it back?"

"No, it is not the creature," she hissed and Lorne decided it was best to go find the ladder and climb up to see what in the hells she was on about. "It is a pigeon."

That made him pause briefly before he finished climbing and peeked over the top of the ladder into the loft to see her. "A what?"

"A bird!" she growled, firing another arrow out the loft window. Lorne raised an eyebrow. "And it is...fast. Why can I not hit it?"

Lorne stared at her as she seethed with frustration for a moment then climbed fully into the loft and moved to join her by the window. "What in all the lands is a pigeon?"


Okay that just has be absolutely dying from laughter there. A pigeon being a mystical creature that someone hasn't heard of is just the best kind of comedy, but also this is a lovely moment of frustration there which either tells us Vena is terrible at shooting while frustrated and flustered or these pigeons are really really fast and very good at not dying.

Vena sent him a scathing look. "You have never seen a pigeon before? What rock have you been sleeping beneath for the last few years?"

He crouched beside her and peered out the loft window, frowning. "If you count an isolated, ruined castle as rock," he said, trying to figure out what bird she was talking about, "then I suppose, technically, I have been?"

She snorted. "You are a strange human."

Lorne sent her a look. "One of my ancestors was an elf, though I doubt that has much effect on my bloodline anymore."


Okay that seems like a strange thing to randomly toss into that conversation but I'll let that one slide because that is a fun way of letting us know that particular bit of information and it did seem to vaguely run somewhat close to the topic of conversation.

The pigeon strutted back and forth a few times, head bobbing and cooing softly before Vena raised her bow and aimed an arrow at it. She missed. Lorne was surprised. It was like the arrow went sideways. The pigeon stopped, cocked its head at them and cooed again. And then it took off like nothing had happened.

Lorne stared after it for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "that was weird."

They spent several hours sitting watch in the loft, calmly discussing pigeons and birds and magic, trying to figure out why Vena had missed at such a close range. Lorne didn't think she could have missed when it was less than two feet from them and felt it was odd that the arrow had gone wide. It was even odder than the pigeon didn't seem to care beyond giving them what had to be an amused look, now that he considered it properly.


Okay that pigeon is definitely magic in some way, either a magical creature with some sort of natural arrow avoidance thing built in or something that's gone and shifted into a pigeon to spy on things and has obviously used something to ensure its not easily killed in its bird form. That just couldn't be a thing without magic.

Lorne stood panting over an injured Issy, glowering into the shadows around them. They'd taken to setting up a two-person watch over the village. It had been a long week of planning and preparing, of digging traps and teaching the villages how to fight--as Vena had been doing for months now--and now, here they were, with a seemingly dead beast and his little brother injured.

"Are you sure it is dead?" Vena asked from somewhere behind him and Lorne shook his head.

"It certainly looks dead, but I wouldn't put much stock in appearances right now. You remember how it tossed your own arrow back at us last time?"

"Yes."


Welp that was far too anticlimactic for it to be true there, surely we're not going to have them do so much preparation only for this creature to just show up dead off screen here. That just doesn't seem like it could possibly be the end.

It had done that again, with almost every arrow Alvena had fired at it until, at last, they'd tricked it into one of the traps they had set up around the edges of the village. Luckily, they'd only lost two villagers the last time it'd shown up and, amazingly, none tonight.

"Lorne...?" Issy asked, sounding pained. "It is dead, right?"

"I hope so," he said, edging forwards a step to nudge a giant, limp paw. Nothing happened, so he nudged it again. The beast twitched and that resulted in a soft twang and an arrow sailing past to lodge itself into the beast's hide, somewhere near the hip.


Hmm okay perhaps putting it that way does make it slightly more believable. I thought it had just sort of died, but it seems it did return to fight and get eventually taken out by everyone's combined efforts. Well tat certainly happened a lot quicker and a lot easier than I thought it was going to be given the initial weight given to how powerful it seemed.

There was a beat of absolute stillness, the silence so deep that it felt like they were barely breathing, and then the beast began to disinegrate right before their eyes. Lorne stared at it, eyes wide as the fur and flesh seemed to melt right off the bones and then those bones crumbled into dust, leaving nothing behind but a pile of ash.

"Well," Vena said, coming to stand beside him. "That was a surprise."

Lorne cleared his throat and nodded. "You can say that again."

"You know magical creatures are the only things that might do this when they die, right?" Vena quiered softly and Lorne glanced towards her.


Well that's I guess at the very least a good confirmation it is something possessing magic but that does open an interesting can of worms about what its intentions might have been and what caused it to viciously attack just the one village.

His brother looked away, avoiding his gaze. "I never actually fought any dragons," he whispered. "They were all dead or dying by the time I got there...and then they did...that..." He pointed at the beast. "Exactly that."

Lorne looked from his brother to the remains of the beast--nothing now but ash--and back. "So when you said you killed the dragons...you were lying?"

"In a sense?" Issy muttered, shrugging. "Yes and no. The dying ones asked me to finish them... so I guess I killed, maybe...two of them?"

He sighed deeply. "We need to work on your finer points, I think."


*gasp* Well that's at least not a complete scam I suppose. Gotta love that it wasn't a lie, just a truth allowed to sound far more impressive than it really was through the old classic of lying through omission. And well besides that little lie, that of course opens up an entirely different situation here, when dragons are in situations like that, things certainly seem very suspicious.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is funneling itself towards the end of this chapter quite nicely I think. I can't wait see what more ends up appearing before we actually end this opening bit. We've already learned so much at this point.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies