Times were hard, days were tough
I went to bed bruised and burnt
But slept with a mona lisa smile,
My heart was was satisfied my mind as calm and clear when I went to bed.
I don't know how but surley our mind adjusts when the goings are tough and bad.
But after the storm has passed and the calm has come
My Mind becomes confused and I lie around thinking and praying
"I want that state of mind again" cause I want to have success and calm again.
If you have the answer do tell me why mind becomes confused again?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You are confused because your mind is not as it once was. The setting and the situation may be the same, but you have changed in some way. When you're presented with a situation; for example, a friend asks you something, you may react differently than you would have before the storm of your life. Your mind has been introduced to a new situation that you have probably never dealt with before, and its okay. It happens to many people. Your mind has adjusted and it would be wise to have it stay that way and keep moving forward instead of wishing for your former mindset. You are now a stronger person. Take joy in this and go out and explore this new state of mind.
---> Merrysleuth
Hmm, this is interesting.
Hi, there, SINGHAM, (XD) racket here to review this poem!
Okay, so I like this. I think the answer to your question would be that when the goings are rough, you have to really try hard to stay optimistic and any bit of rest is a blessing. The peace comes with the pain. But then, when the storm has passed, you get restless looking for a challenge and do not go to sleep thinking, 'well, I survived another day and tried my best' because there was nothing challenging. Maybe that's it?
Okay, sorry, review time.
One thing I noticed was that you could have had better vocabulary in here. Instead of saying 'hard', 'bad', 'tough', these less descriptive words, really use your vocabulary to bring out the pain and sadness that is being specifically portrayed here.
Describe this a bit better, with more feeling. Paint a vague picture of emotions, because that's what you're describing, not the context, the feelings.
etc., etc., Be dramatic!!! This is a dramatic subject!!!! Peace, Pain, Depression, Calm, Restlessness!!!
I really liked the Mona Lisa metaphor in the third line. By the way, I believe Mona Lisa should be capitalized. Maybe find a way to use this metaphor a bit better, because the 'But' at the beginning of the line is a bit plain and used. I think you could phrase this way better.
I also noticed a lack of commas, which are used a lot in poetry, and punctuation in general. When you want the reader to pause all dramatic-like, put down a comma, a semi-colon, normal colon, etc. Periods really should be used sparingly, as they chop up the poem, opposed to separating thoughts as commas do. Also, generally, in poetry, if you have a comma, a new line starts afterwards.
This may run a bit smoother if you separated the two thoughts, and as suggested above, use more specific vocabulary.
That last period seems to fit, because that whole thought sequence is over there. These first four lines might be better as their own stanza, which would justify the period and then smoothly move onto the rest of the poem.
In the sixth line, you use 'has' when the beginning of the poem was in past tense. Did you do this purposefully. It works, it's just a bit strange when you look at it closer. It's cool how you pulled it off, though.
In your seventh line, you need a comma after 'how', you have a double space after 'but' that needs to be one and 'surley' should be 'surely'. There's only one of you, so if you keep the 'our', make 'mind' plural and 'adjusts' singular. Maybe replace 'are' with 'become'? Again, use more interesting vocab here! Good vocabulary can make a poem light years better than before! Your fixed seventh sentence would look like this:
[quote]I don't know how, but surely our minds adjust when the goings become tough and bad.[quote]
You use 'but', and 'and a few times too many. Use commas instead of 'and', make a few more lines, seperate your poem into two or three stanzas, and figure out a better segway than 'but' when changing subjects!
In your second to last line, you say 'cause', which doesn't really fit very well in context, not the meaning of 'cause', but the usage of 'cause' in other contexts doesn't fit with your dramatic poem.
There are a few other spots where you need commas. See if you can find them! Read this out loud, and wherever you pause, put a comma, or separate the line into two! Use punctuation, better vocab, and your set! This has great potential, and is still pretty good in its current state. But it can be way more. You can do it, you have the tools right in front of you. Tell me if you need any help, I'd be glad to help out. Keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future!
Thanks for writing this!
~racket
@SINGHAM,
This poem is very nice and runs really smoothly! I thought that it was very interesting and poetic. I love the first line "Times were hard, days were tough" because it shows how the narrator feels. In the second line, you said "I went to bed bruised and burnt." This is just a minor detail, but I think it would sound better if you said "I went to bed bruised and burnt up." The third line was great, but there are a few things you should fix in he fourth line. In the fourth line, you said "My heart was was satisfied my mind as calm and clear when I went to bed." You used "was" twice by accident, but I think I would say "My heart was satisfied, my mind as calm and clear." and then in a separate line "When I went to bed." However, either way is fine. The fourth line is good, I would just fix the extra space between "but" and "surely" Also, you could put a comma between "how" and "but", but since this is poetry, that comma is optional since there aren't many rules to poetry. The sixth line is great. In the seventh line I would probably say "My Mind becomes confused and I lie around. thinking and praying," just to have "thinking and praying" separate. In the eighth line, I think it makes more sense to say something like "because I want to have success again' instead of "cause I want to have success and calm again" to make it run more smoothly like it had been earlier. The last line is really good, but I would just make it a little less confusing. I would change the punctuation slightly to something like "If you have the answer do tell me. Why mind become confused again?" Overall, I really enjoyed reading you poem! It is very interesting and these are some things I think you should change!
-@21gmu