The slide on my lips,
And the spice on my tongue
The softness of the noodle....
The saliva moistening my mouth telling my mind I want more!
The tasty , dorging akin touches my mouth,
Then I Just eat eat eat,
Then comes the realisation, the cornflour just dances in my stomach,
And I say "Oh maggi You have deceived me once more..."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Ah, Maggi noodles. The work of art.
Hey, Will here, for a review.
*mouth waters*
Anyways, back to the review. I personally loved your work. I see how you've put it under 'lyrics,' so it's not a poem, which was what I thought it was. Now, you're lyrics do have a lot of grammatical and nitpicky mistakes so...I guess this review will represent that?
Now, I'll try and make this review as detailed as possible, because the piece is only a few lines long.
I'll start with some grammatical errors in the lyrics, and then move onto general tips.
Interesting starting sentence. Now, we can infer that you are talking about sucking the noodle up, right? And in this sentence, I couldn't really find any fault except for a comma at the end, like what @Mysticalxx said.
The slide on my lips,
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this...I'm not sure about you, but when I eat something spicy, I feel it on my tongue, and not cheeks. So in my case, it would be something like:
and the spice on my
Cheekstongue,Now, I see that you've referenced 'flour' twice in this piece. I didn't really fancy that. It feels a little too repetitive. Maybe you should change it to 'pasta' or 'noodle' because when you eat Maggi, you aren't actually eating flour (flour usually references to dry wheat, not the cooked or processed versions).
The softness of the
flournoodle...I totally know this feeling
TheMy salivawettingmoistening my mouth telling my mind I want more!Firstly, as I read this, I had absolutely no idea what 'dorging' and 'akin' meant. I searched them both up and 'dorging' isn't a word, and 'akin' means something that doesn't fit into the context. What happened there, huh?
The tast, *insert word here* *insert word here* touches my mouth,
Then I
Jjust eat, eat, and eat,Rephrase this:
The cornflour just dances in my stomach,
thenwhen comes the realisation,And I say "Oh
m[b]Maggi,Yyou have deceived me once more..."There we are! All (as far as I could tell) the grammatical mistakes - which there were alot of (a bit more proofreading would be nice. Try and delete un-needed spaces) - are fixed.
Now onto a little line moving and stuff.
These two lines should be moved around, as you are telling a recount, and it has to be in chronological order!
The tasty , dorging akin touches my mouth,
The saliva wetting my mouth telling my mind I want more!
That was all of the line moving I had to do. Now comes onto the deeper kind of topic - what does this song truely mean? If you could add a few lines and clarify that a bit more - that would be fantastic!
I hoped you enjoyed my review here, and I loved your piece.
-willachilles
Thanks willa very helpful review
No problem! PM me if you have any questions.
By the way, you don't have to fix up everything I say in my review. Remember, it is only my opinion.
Haha. Please review my future works .....
Ah... Maggi!
*sobs* ._.
Hey Singham!!!
This is Eros here to review your work!!
First thing I want to say is I am a great lover of Maggi too!! Maggi was really nice and I did not even imagine in dreams that it could deceive you and me and all other maggi lovers like us.
Well... coming back to the poem, It is very sweet and short. I loved the way you talked with maggi and the way you are addressing it. It is a very cute poem expressing a cute scolding to maggi for deceiving you.
You write really very well.
Continue writing because we want to continue reading more of your works!!
Hi! I love Maggi noodles as well..............................so, nice one!!! I must admit this poem did have a humorous sense to it. However, the issue is that it's sort of.....ambiguous. I mean, I don't get the point of the "deception". What does it mean? Perhaps I'M dense, but I'd be happy if you clued me in.
Also, please punctuate the lines properly, i.e by putting commas at necessary points. And some of the expressions you've used don't make sense. For example, " the cornflour just dances in my stomach"...I mean, this just doesn't sound right. I'm not trying to discourage you, I simply hope you'll get better.
Keep it up!
Mist