Times were hard, days were tough
I went to bed bruised and burnt
But slept with a mona lisa smile,
My heart was was satisfied my mind as calm and clear when I went to bed.
I don't know how but surley our mind adjusts when the goings are tough and bad.
But after the storm has passed and the calm has come
My Mind becomes confused and I lie around thinking and praying
"I want that state of mind again" cause I want to have success and calm again.
If you have the answer do tell me why mind becomes confused again?
SINGingHAM
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Hello there. I am KingQueenKnave. I have come to review your poem. It is a good poem, but it definitely could use improving.
As a starting point, I like the length and simplicity of your work. It doesn't outstay its welcome, especially as its theme- the Mona Lisa- is a theme borrowed extensively in literature. The metaphor is only used once, even though the title makes reference to it. I also like your style of writing- it is subtle and understated, without sounding too vague. It seems to suggest that even after a troubling event, the narrator is still troubled long after the fact.
My personal nitpicks with the poem come in how awkward it reads. In line four, "was" is used twice. In line five, surely is spelt incorrectly. Also, in the last line, an extra word must appear to bridge the gap between "mind" and "becomes". There is also, at times, a reliance on double space and, in general, the phrases you apply do not fit in with the theme of the poem.
Overall, your poem is successful in its theme. However, the execution and technicalities of it seem to get in the way of me enjoying it fully.
I like your idea for this passage. I feel that it is a little hard to follow. I found myself reading some lines over to try to understand what they are saying. I think the first 3 lines were your best. They rhyme well and flow. I feel after the first 3 lines you get to wordy which makes it hard to understand.For example for the 4th line "My heart was was satisfied my mind as calm and clear when I went to bed." I would try "My heart is satisfied, my mind calm and clear as I lay down tonight." I would also suggest making stanzas so it flows easier. I would like to give you the idea of making this into a story form. Like saying your mind is calm then saying there is a storm and then asking questions about your thoughts.
As far as your grammar would check your capitalization in line 7.
I really like your idea and feelings! I sure can relate to them. Keep up the good writing.